Here's to Friendship!

I'm at about the half way point of my Grateful on Purpose blog experiment. While the actual blogging about gratefulness has elluded me a couple times due to a busy schedule and an available moment to sit and post, the thinking about gratitude more regularly is starting to become second nature, which I guess is the point. It's like training a new muscle, it takes time, committment, patience....and then it's the new normal. But you have to keep being intentional about this gratitude lense, just like working a muscle. If you don't committ to the process, being conscious of looking for the good in your life/day,  it's a potentially fleeting state of mind.

For the past ten years, from mid-October to mid-November my weekends have generally been marked by massive amounts of leave raking. I'm not talking about an hour or two both days of the weekend either, I'm talking about major committments of time, energy and perserverence. I have serious, serious  trees and thus a serious amount of leaves to rake. Even though I thought I was keeping up on it and tackling it methodically, the amount of leaves still in my yard this morning, and now wet, was mind boggling. Added to that angst, the last street pick up of the leaves is this week. We never know what day for sure but it's this week. Well,  low and behold my friend Bob came over today with his industrial blower, his wheel barrel and some rakes and literally finished the job! It was no small job and it was cold out. I feel blessed with some really great friends but today I am feeling particularly grateful for Bob. Fall leaves 2012... done! Ahhh, big sigh of relief. Thank you Bob!

Warm and Dry

Sometimes I find the thing I'm most grateful for on a particular day is really pretty simple. Today, I am so grateful that I sold my Bears tickets and opted to watch the game from the comfort of my living room. The game itself was disappointing enough but the weather today, oh my! Talk about a blustery day! The temperatures dropped, then the rain came. It looked miserable to be there. My couch was clearly the place for me to be tonight. I'm just so grateful I knew that. 

Teaching Gratitude

30 ways to teach children about gratitude and kindness

by Debra Dane on March 13, 2012

in Gratitude and Changing Mindset, Parenting and family life

Last year I discovered the power gratitude could have in my life – it all began with exploring an attitude of gratitude and then extended further into my actions. I had always cultivated a spirit of gratitude and kindness in my children from a young age, but have been working on being more intentional and moving more towards more community acts we can take on this year now they are 7 and 8 years old.

Teach our children to focus on the positive and find gratitude

• Create a gratitude journal – older children can write on their own / photograph things they are grateful for and younger ones can be part of a family journal
• Reflect together on the best parts of their day – doing this regularly can help them pause and find the good in their days
• When they are seeking new things out of boredom or wanting to be like their friends look at all they already have (if they have genuinely grown out of / lost interest in their books and toys see “service” ideas below for donating and passing on things)

Celebrate big and small

• Teach and acknowledge that they are on a learning journey so they are kind to themselves as they begin new challenges – shift focus to steps they have taken rather than where they still need to get to
• Call grandparents and relatives / special people to share their progress
• Keep a journal, a chart or a keepsake method (like a jar you place notes in) they can refer back to and see all the great things they have done, positives in their life, wonderful experiences and memories

Be a family of service and explain why you are helping

• Volunteer formally in your community if kids are old enough (preschoolers and primary kids can often get involved in nature conservation or animal shelter assistance in many places)
• Volunteer informally amongst your local community

• help with chores or errands for an elderly neighbour
• help with gardening / mowing / pulling weeds
• cook food for a family in need or with a new baby
• pick up litter when you see it, especially common at local playgrounds

Be helpful and kind in your day to day life – at school, with friends, with neighbours

• hold doors open
• carry groceries
• return someone’s shopping trolley to the stand
• hold the elevator for someone you see rushing to catch it
• invite someone shy to join your group at recess / play break
• say thank you and wish your teacher a good weekend

Show appreciation for gifts and kindness you receive

• create thank you cards together
• teach your children how to receive gifts graciously even when they don’t like them
• thank someone for sharing food with you

Connect with the spirit of holidays

• At a time when many focus on things they want it is a great opportunity to shift the focus to thankfulness and giving (without having to deny our children fun and gifts)
• Participate in Operation Christmas Child -   You can take charge and organise one locally if it is needed or simply fill a shoebox or two. This is a great way for children to get involved as they can select the items.
• Select a gift together to place under one of the giving / wishing trees in your local shopping centre
• Collect donations of small books and toys and craft items for your local hospital – my girls and I started this 4 years ago and send out an email to all our friends each year and arrive at the hospital with upwards of four or five shopping bags filled to the brim. I explained to the kids that some children are sick or get hurt over the holidays and don’t even get to be at home. This way children waiting in the ER or staying as patients have small things to keep them occupied or cheered up. Last year one of our friends ended up in the ER suddenly with her daughter and she reported back how helpful it was to have something.
• Visit a nursing home and bring treats and small presents (like socks, handkerchief, soaps, flowers) and spend some time with people who may be without family at this time of year. Let your children (and their friends if possible) be surrogate grandchildren for an afternoon.
• Make it an annual ritual to clear out items no longer needed or wanted and donate them to charities and local schools and daycares or pass on to other families. My kids especially love knowing where their things are going.

Random acts of kindness

• You are never too young and no act of kindness is too small – you can sit down and brainstorm ideas as a family, explain how they can grab opportunities to be kind every day. If you need more inspiration check out the website random acts of kindness which has a wealth of resources.
• acknowledge small acts of kindness in your home – sharing, caring, taking turns, helping with chores
• talk about ways they can be kind at school
• set a goal to come up with (and actually do) a certain number of R.A.K.

 

Contentment Today

The sun is shining, and again I am reminded of how there is magic in the power of a beautiful sunny day. I am getting ready to hit the road for a mini road trip to visit my son Ryan at University of Iowa. I am grateful for this beautiful day outside to accompany me on my drive. It makes all the difference. I also grateful that Ryan sounds happy, happy I'm coming and happy and excited about his future. It changes from week to week, the fears and uncertainy he feels as he approaches graduation. But this day..... he sounds really good. It's a simple thing but it makes a mother smile.

Graciousness.....it matters

Technically I missed a day on the blog, but I'm not going to let it deter me from my mission. If it's rationalizing....so be it. Like many other American's, yesterday I was completely caught up in the vote, democracy at work. I have a point of view for sure but what I feel most grateful for today is the graciousness that was exhibited by all involved after the votes were in and the numbers were tabulated. Many of us are, or I should say most of us are so sick of the mudslinging that has become the norm during our elections. It seems as though we have lost our civility and anything is fair came to say in order to win. Both of the presidential canditates as well as senate race canditates and house seemed to show a new civility yesterday at the end of the day. There was no chant of a recount, no sore loosers, no over the top winners....it was a good day. . Will it last? Who knows, I certainly hope so, but today it gives me great hope. I am grateful for change in the political climate today, the goodwill and cooperative spirit that was so evident late last night.

Feeling Strong....

Ok, here we go to day five of my "Grateful on Purpose" campaign and I'm starting to scramble a little bit here. It's been a fine day, no major worries to speak of, just the chronic little ones we all have....like our kids happiness and their ability to make it in the world, the random  thoughts about a path not taken  or an opportunity missed. I needed to really stop for a moment today and take a breath and focus when I recognized how today I feel physically really good. My knee has worked itself out, my sinuses are clear again, my mood feels pretty good, especially since it's so gray outside. All in all.....I feel pretty lucky to be as healthy as I am, to feel as good as I do and to have no major health concerns. When you get to a certain age it seems the odds start to work against you.

My body has served me well. It has carried my two children, fought off illnesses, learned to jog at age 49, adapted to yoga at 50 and seems to be handling these hormonal changes as well as I could have expected. I am so grateful to have this strong, resilient healthy body. I'm so grateful to feel good today. Again this grateful campaign seems to  reminds me to focus on the simple things we take for granted because in the end....as it turns out....those simple things are the life of life.

Time Well Spent....

I'm already on day four of my  intentional gratitude blitz! I can honestly say I feel myself shifting a bit, feeling brighter I guess you could say,  as I spend a few moments each day reflecting on what's good in my life. Today was the annual Mother/Son Brunch for Naperville North and I am so happy I was able to attend  with my son Russell. Being the mother of a teenager is an often complicated ride with the occasional mixed bag of emotions. They are trying to seperate from us as they prepare to leave home, we are trying to let go but don't always fully trust that they don't need our input at every turn. Sometimes it all  doesn't come off as gracefully as we would like, on both sides.

But today was just an easy day.... to spend some time together, hang with friends, eat some good food, maybe win a raffle or two (we never win....), and enjoy each others company. I'm feeling grateful my son enjoys my company, that I enjoy his and that we take the time to  participate in simple things like this Mother/Son Brunch. It's been a good day. I love you Russell!

Here's to you Mom.....

Ok, it's day two of my gratitude challenge. Today I am grateful I get the pleasure of spending the day with my amazing mother! She has been the most influential person in my life in so many ways it's hard to even begin to name them all. Today though....it's just a fun day of wandering the South Loop Loft Walk together. We will put our mindbending existential conversations aside and just enjoy looking at cool lofts. She and I can vascilate betwwen deep, intense wonderings and then on to some sort of fluff more seamlessly than anyone I know. I love that about us! I am so grateful to have been blessed with this mother. I love you mom!

Ahh Yes, Sunshine....

Today I feel incredibly grateful for the sunshine. I am at times reminded, after several gray days in a row, how much the sunshine lifts my spirits. It puts a spring in my step. The sunshine reflecting off all the piles of gold and red leaves in my yard is a beautiful and nostalgic fall canvas. I'm glad I chose to have the eyes to see that beauty today.

Grateful on Purpose

I've decided to do something a little ambitious for the month of November. Every day of this month, I'm going to name one thing I truly appreciate and take the time to create a small blog post about it. Every day. (If you ever look at my site, you'll see this is a big commitment for me, as an only-occasional blogger.) But I want to force my focus onto gratitude, consistently and on purpose.

So this November, as Thanksgiving approaches, I'm going to open my eyes in a deliberate way to what is beautiful and good around me. When Thanksgiving Day arrives, I won't have to rummage around in my brain for something to share with family and friends at the table. I hope my heart will be so full of thanks that I might not need to say anything at all. I encourage parents to try this with your kids. Ambitious? Maybe, but give it a try anyway. What's the worst thing that can happen......?

So, without further adieu......

I am grateful for my beautiful and wise mother. She's over her horrible cold and feeling better! Yeah! My mother taught me and showed me the importance and fearlessness of searching deeper into one's self and listening to their heart and finding one's own true path. Without her gentle encouragement and validation I'm not sure I would have found myself in this profession....one that I love so much and feel privledged and born to do. So thank you mom, I love you!

Checking Homework

‐ PNP Method

PNP stands for “Positive

‐Negative‐Positive”.

Whenever a youngster brings any piece of

school work to you, the first thing out of

your mouth must be something positive—

some type of praise. You might for instance,

simply praise the child for remembering to

show you her work. After saying something

nice about the child’s effort, you may then

make a negative comment, if it’s absolutely

necessary. Finally, you conclude your

insightful remarks with something positive again.

This type of response will help bring her back again and again. Kids will never want

to bring you anything if you follow your natural human inclinations and shoot

from the hip with criticism.

Powerful Parenting: Building Relationships and instilling Confidence

As parents, you worry about the risks your children face and the choices they will have to make. But if you have a strong relationship with your children that is built on a foundation of trust and open communication, they are more likely to tell you about their problems and gain from your values.

If your children have confidence in themselves, they are more likely to handle situations assertively. If your children have self-management, relationship-building, and problem-solving skills, they are more likely to make safe and healthy choices. As a parent, you can help strengthen these areas of your children's lives.

 Love Them for Who They Are

Unconditional acceptance of your children not only builds a strong relationship with them, but encourages them to have confidence and trust in themselves. Separate who your children are (their being) from what they do (their behavior). Remember, behavior can always change. Help your children discover their interests and passions and encourage them to pursue their interests by providing opportunities and support. Spend time with your children. This helps build strong relationships and provides opportunities for you to teach and model essential skills. Use words, gestures, and touch frequently to let your children know that you love them.

Take time to have extended conversations with your children. Bedtimes, meals, and car rides are often good times. As often as possible, have family dinners where you can share news, discuss problems, and make plans. Research shows that children who have dinner with their families several times a week are less likely to smoke or use illegal drugs, have sex at young ages, and get into serious fights. Have frequent, brief playtimes with young children (5–10 minutes can make a difference). Allow your children to direct the play. Read together and talk about the characters' feelings, challenges, and solutions. Talk about your family's culture(s). This will help your children feel more strongly connected to their ethnic background and their culture's values and beliefs. Research shows that positive cultural identification can improve a child's self-esteem and protect against emotional problems.

Discipline and Guide

Positive guidance and discipline promote children's self-control, teach them responsibility, and help them learn to make thoughtful choices. Specialists suggest that inconsistent, harsh discipline that includes physical force, threats, and negative comments may interfere with healthy development. Here are some key components of positive discipline: Pay attention to what children do right. Children thrive on positive attention and are more likely to repeat a behavior if you notice it and comment on it. Use consistent, caring consequences for unacceptable behavior. The consequences should be reasonable, directly related to the misbehavior, and respectful of the child. Give the message that mistakes are a chance for learning. Offer choices whenever possible to provide practice in making decisions.

Get Involved in Schoolwork

When you are involved in your children's schooling, it gives the message that school is important and that you value this significant part of their lives. It also helps children achieve higher grades, finish more homework, and have better attendance, behavior, and attitudes. Here are some ways to be involved: Ask your children about their day. Use open-ended questions: "What was the most fun thing about school today?" Communicate frequently with your children's teachers about your children's progress and how to help them out at home. Be aware of your children’s homework. Set a time and place for them to do it. Be around to answer questions, but do not do the homework for them. Attend school activities as often as possible.

Teach Social Skills

Model and teach your children social-emotional skills. These are skills people use to deal with their feelings and dilemmas and to interact with others. Social-emotional skills include the following: Empathy, which is knowing one's own feelings and being able to recognize and respond sensitively to others' feelings. Emotion management, which is managing strong feelings such as anxiety, frustration, and anger before they become overwhelming. Problem solving and decision making, including conflict resolution.

Many of the parenting skills outlined here can help you model and teach social-emotional skills:

By listening to your children and respecting their feelings, you model and teach empathy.
By responding to misbehavior with caring, thoughtful, and consistent consequences, you model emotion management and problem solving.
By giving children choices, you give them opportunities to practice decision making. As you talk through plans and problems at dinner, you model and teach problem solving, decision making, and conflict resolution.
By reading with your child and talking about the stories, you provide opportunities to learn about empathy, emotion management, and problem solving.

As a parent you have power: power to influence, model, and listen, and power to connect with and love each of your children. By using your power in positive and thoughtful ways, you can provide a measure of protection for your children.

Making and Keeping Friends Is More Than Child's Play

Research shows that childhood friendships are important indicators of future success and social adjustment. Children’s relationships with peers strongly influence their success in school, and children with fewer friends are more at risk of dropping out of school, becoming depressed and other problems. Parents who support healthy peer relationships help their children develop important skills for life.



By Natalie Walker Whitlock

When 6-year-old Rachel returned to school on a recent Monday morning, her eyes immediately scanned the playground for her friend Abbie. Though they were only separated by a weekend, the girls “Ran right into each other’s arms and hugged,” recalls Rachel’s mother Kathryn Willis of Gilbert. “It was like it was a scene from a movie.”




Most parents instinctively know that having friends is good for their child. Yet recent research sheds new light on the importance of friends. Experts agree that a positive, caring friendship helps children achieve better in school, have better self-esteem, and reduces the risks for emotional and physical problems. Childhood friendship has proven to be an important indicator of future success in school, at work and in future relationships. It seems friendship is not simply child's play, but a powerful predictor of social adjustment throughout life. 

A Skill for Life

According to Dr. Robbie Adler-Tapia, psychologist with the Center for Children's Health & Life Development at the East Valley Family Resource Center, “Childhood friendships serve as a very important training ground for adulthood. They are preparation for the workplace, and for other relationships, including marriage.”

 

Adler-Tapia, who often works with children from the foster system and Child Protective Services, also says, “Having friends is terribly important. The belief that there is somebody else who cares about you in this world can sustain kids through even the most horrific of circumstances.”  

In a report compiled for the U.S. Department of Education’s Educational Resources Information Center (ERIC) titled Having Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends, researcher William Hartup states, “Peer relations contribute substantially to both social and cognitive development and to the effectiveness with which we function as adults.” Hartup concludes that the single best childhood predictor of adult social adaptation is not school grades or classroom behavior, but rather, how well a child gets along with other children.

Just as being able to make and keep friends is beneficial to kids, so is the lack of friends detrimental, according to the work of Arizona State University professor of developmental psychology Gary Ladd. For approximately seven years, Ladd has directed the Pathways Project, a long-term study of 400 children followed from kindergarten though junior high school, sponsored by the National Institutes of Health. The project's results so far indicate that a child's relationships with peers greatly influence his or her success in school, perhaps more than other more “obvious” factors, such as intellectual aptitude, economic status or family background. The children who had fewer friends were at a greater risk for a host of troubles, from dropping out of school to juvenile delinquency to mental health problems. 

Good Friendships Don't Just Happen

Experts agree that the key is for children to establish high-quality friendships. But, researchers warn, these friendships don't necessarily just happen. Often, a good friendship begins with involved parents.Studies show a positive correlation between parental involvement and successful peer relationships.

Ladd's Pathway's Project found that while some parents took a hands-off approach, other families actively nurtured their children’s social skills even before they began kindergarten. By inviting friends over; talking with children about fairness, sharing and compromise; and intervening and helping children work through problems, parents in these families acted as social skills mentors.  

“In these ways, parents were, in fact, teaching social competence – how to make and maintain a friendship with another child,” Ladd says.

While Adler-Tapia acknowledges that accommodating children's friendships may be difficult for parents trying to juggle competing responsibilities, the effort is worth it.  “As hard as it is to provide opportunities for children to socialize, it's very important we carve out a little time for friendship,” she says. 

Valley psychologist Dr. Lynne Kenney Markan, who runs social skills training groups for children and teens at the Melmed Center in Scottsdale, believes kids should be taught social skills in much the same way they are taught math and reading. Despite the proven importance of friendship, she says, “Nobody teaches us how to make and keep friends.”

According to Markan, while social skills may come readily for some children, others require more parental support and guidance. She advises parents who feel that their child is having trouble making or keeping friends to try to objectively evaluate the cause. Is the child too aggressive or overly shy? Markan points out that sometimes, however, difficulties with peers are due to a child's “good” qualities, such as sensitivity (which may be perceived as a weakness by other children) or academic success, not from a lack of social skills.  

Markan suggests parents help children practice better ways of establishing and maintaining friendships from the time they are toddlers. “Most children regard making friends as something that just happens, instead of regarding it as something they can be in charge of and do skillfully,” she says. “Let your child know that friendship skills can be worked on just like academic or athletic skills.”

Just One Friend

Often, parents' feelings about their own past experiences with peers spill over into concern for their children's relationships. Parents may wish their child had more friends or was perceived as “popular” by their peers.  

Yet, according to Cynthia Erdley and Douglas Nangle, University of Maine psychologists and co-editors of the book The Role of Friendship in Psychological Adjustment, even one good friend can stave off childhood loneliness and depression, even if the child is not part of the “in” crowd. The experience of having a single friend to confide in can promote feelings of trust and acceptance and bridge the gap between loneliness and belonging.

“Some kids thrive on being part of a big group, while others only need one or two significant friends to be happy,” Adler-Tapia says.  

Warning signs that children may lack sufficient friendships include an absence of incoming calls or invitations from peers, being unable to name specific close friends, hanging out with kids who are significantly older or younger, or if your child is upset by his or her lack of friends. Adler-Tapia adds that spending too much time alone – such as watching television, playing video games or spending time on the computer – should be a red flag for parents.

However, “remember, some children gain energy from social situations. Others need to be alone to re-energize,” she points out. “Neither is better than the other.” 

Bad Company

Many parents worry about the quality as well as the quantity of their child's friendships. Often, a child's idea of what constitutes a “good” friend isn't the same as his or her parents’. A Glendale mother of two discovered this when her 7-year-old daughter began having difficulties with a playmate.

“When she was in 1st grade, her supposed ‘best friend’ began calling her names and threatening to hurt her,” says Mindy Miller. “(My daughter) wasn't allowed to talk to or even look at other girls in her class. It really crushed her spirit.” Miller tried what many parents would have in her situation. “I told my daughter she didn't need a ‘friend’ like that.”  

However, while such a tactic may be well-intentioned, experts advise against telling a child point-blank that his friend would make a better ex-friend. Parental criticism of friends may backfire and inadvertently solidify a friendship that would have otherwise been a passing attraction.

“You can teach your child the skills and competencies to make wise friend choices without hitting them over the head with it,” says Markan. “Try sprinkling it throughout the day, rather than sitting them down and saying, ‘We're going to talk about your friends today.’” Instead of disapproving of a friend directly, Markan suggests taking a less threatening approach by talking about the problem as if it is your own, or a sibling’s.  

In Miller's case, it simply wasn't enough to tell her daughter her “friend” wasn't acting very friendly. Her daughter needed some parental coaching to help her through a difficult social situation.

“We did some role playing. I played her friend and let my daughter show me how she would react if I was mean to her,” Miller says. “At first her answers were very weak. Now she’s learning to stick up for herself, to say ‘Stop that’ or ‘I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.’”  

Both Adler-Tapia and Markan support role playing as a good way to help children practice tricky social skills, such as meeting new friends or standing up for themselves against bossing or bulling. Adds Markan, “If your child has already practiced coping with a difficult social situation it will be easier to call upon that skill when real life calls for it.”

Actions Speak Louder

Friendship can be one of life’s most rewarding experiences. For children, it’s also necessary for healthy social, emotional and cognitive development. Research shows that children with friends have a greater sense of well-being, better self-esteem and fewer social problems than children without friends. On the other hand, a child without friends is more likely to feel lonely, to be victimized by peers or even to engage in deviant behaviors throughout his lifetime. 

With so much riding on your child's friendships – or lack of them – parents are wise to support and encourage healthy peer relationships. “I’ll bend over backwards to help my son get together with a friend I think is good for him,” Adler-Tapia says. “I don't look at it as manipulation, just positive parental involvement.”

As with so many parenting issues, sometimes the best teacher is the example you set in your daily interactions with others. When parents model positive friendship behaviors such as kindness, thoughtfulness, cooperation and problem-solving skills, as well as demonstrate that they enjoy and benefit from their own friendships, children learn first-hand what friendship is all about.

The Cruelty Crisis: Bullying Isn't a School Problem, It's a National Pastime

Exclusion, humiliation, gossiping, name-calling, and cutthroat alliances - we can't get enough! We panic when these behaviors are directed at our own children and we express outrage when the consequences turn deadly, but over the past few years we, the adults, have turned cruelty into entertainment and sport.
According to the Nielsen ratings, reality television topped the "most watched TV" list in 2010 and analysts expect the trend to continue. From the Real Housewives of Orange County to the Jersey Shore, reality TV draws audiences by delivering performances that mirror the exact behaviors that we define as bullying. We tune in to watch hostile confrontations, belittling, collusion, backstabbing, and public ridicule. We're drawn in by the promise of mean-spiritedness and we're seduced by the idea that we get to watch people's most intimate and private moments made public. Sound painfully familiar?

Gossiping, one of the most glamorized behaviors on TV and a popular weapon in the bully arsenal, is another behavior that falls into the "do as we say, not as we do" category. As adults, how many times have we stood around with a group of friends or colleagues and criticized or made fun of someone? It happens every day in carpool lines, in the back of churches, in front yards, and around the water cooler. We wonder why the awkward first grader is being excluded from birthday parties when the first grade mom clique is constantly whispering about his weird mother and would never consider inviting her to coffee.

When it comes to managing conflict and difference, we're not exactly modeling the behaviors that we want to see in our children. Whether it's politics, religion, or social issues, the more uncertain we feel, the more certain we act. Finger pointing, screaming, and in-your-face personal attacks have replaced respectful and necessary debate and discourse. We see this everywhere from political talk shows and school meetings, to the sidelines of kids' soccer games. I've heard people define bullying as "angry, aggressive acting out in children." I would argue that a lot of bullying is simply kids acting like aggressive parents acting out and behaving like angry children.

Over the past ten years we've witnessed a profoundly dangerous pattern of behavior emerge in our culture. As our fear, uncertainty, and feelings of vulnerability increase, cruelty becomes an acceptable way for us to discharge our pain and discomfort. Rather than doing the difficult work of embracing our own vulnerabilities and imperfections, we expose, attack, or ridicule what is vulnerable and imperfect about others.

In our culture, vulnerability is synonymous with weakness, and imperfect means inadequate. Rather than acknowledging that we are all vulnerable and imperfect, we buy into the painful idea that we are less than; that we aren't worthy of belonging. It is the struggle for worthiness and belonging that leads to bullying.
Belonging is the innate human need to be a part of something larger than us; we are hardwired for it. Cruelty is a predictable outcome in a culture that tells us that invulnerability and perfection are prerequisites for belonging. We are never more dangerous than when we are backed into a corner of never __________ enough (good/ rich/ thin /successful/ admired/ certain/ extraordinary/ safe/ in control/ powerful/ etc.).
In a world that is plagued by war, economic hardship, and pervasive self-doubt, we rage and humiliate to alleviate our own misery. It's simply easier to attack and berate others or watch it happen on TV, than it is to risk having honest conversations about our struggles with worthiness. Why lean into our own feelings of scarcity and shame, when we can watch strangers get booed off stage or voted off the island? It feels good to watch others suffer.

If we want to reclaim courage and compassion in our families, schools, organizations, and communities, we must open our hearts and minds to a new way of thinking about vulnerability and imperfection. Our imperfections are not flaws; they are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Vulnerability may be at the core of fear and uncertainty, but it is also the birthplace of courage and compassion - exactly what we need to help us stop lashing out and start engaging with the world from a place of worthiness; a place where empathy and kindness matter.

Whether we are a sweaty-palmed 7th grader navigating a hostile cafeteria, or a laid-off worker trying to make a mortgage payment, or a young mother waiting for mammogram results, feeling vulnerable, imperfect and afraid is human. It is when we lose our capacity to hold space for these struggles that we become dangerous. We can legislate behavior all day long, but true compassion comes from a tender and vulnerable place where we understand how inextricably connected we are.

Courage and compassion are not ideals; they are daily practices. The TV shows that we allow in our homes, the way we discuss politics and social issues, the way we handle altercations at the grocery story - these are choices with real consequences. Bullying is a serious problem in schools, but we are all accountable for the cruelty crisis that is fueling these behaviors. The answer to the bullying problem starts with this question: Do we have the courage to be the adults that our children need us to be?


Copyright Brené Brown.

Empathy

Teaching Empathy