The holidays are coming up, and although many parents look forward
to having their children home from school, they also find that after a few
days it isn’t so easy having the kids underfoot all the time. The youngsters are all excited about Christmas, they start fighting more often, and when they’re not doing that they complain to their parents that they’re bored. The Christmas holidays are one of those odd times that combine a lot of fun with a lot of stress. It isn’t easy having the children right on top of you again, especially when they’re all pumped up about the presents they’re going to get and can’t seem to leave one another alone. Here are a few ideas for maintaining sanity during these both enjoyable and difficult times.
1. Help Kids Plan or Structure Part of Each Day
With school‐age kids, help them plan or structure part of each day, then let the youngsters figure out what they are going to do to entertain themselves for therest of that day. Do not fall into the trap of seeing yourself as the resident entertainment committee! You might help Emily by allowing her to have a friend over to eat dinner, watch a video and then sleep overnight. The rest of the day your daughter decides for herself what she’ll do. Or you might take Ryan out to lunch and then to a movie, but the rest of the day he entertains himself.
2. Be Clear About the Rules From the Start
Make the above rules clear as soon as the vacation starts, so when the kids
come up to you and say, “There’s nothing to do,” you can reply, “You and I will be going out at 4, but in the meantime I’m sure you can think of something.” Above all, don’t keep making suggestion after suggestion after suggestion, only to have a child shoot down each idea as soon as it’s out of your mouth. Making a lot of suggestions to your children for what they can do implies that you are responsible for their keeping busy and feeling entertained.
3. Plan Lots of One‐on‐One Fun
Plan lots of activities one on one with your children. Just you and one child―no spouse or siblings. Not only does this eliminate the fighting, it offers the opportunity for real closeness and bonding. Most parents find that it’s a lot easier to have fun when it’s just you and one child, rather than the whole family together. This may sound funny, but family fun is overrated! Kids love having a parent all to themselves, and under these circumstances each youngster is usually much easier to get along with.
4. Avoid Feeling Guilty
Don’t feel guilty if―two days before December 25―you find yourself wishing the kids were back in school already. You have lots of company! It’s not easy having a lot of wound‐up little ones chasing each other around the house.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Does My Child Need Therapy?
Sometimes kids, like adults, can benefit from therapy. Therapy can help kids develop problem-solving skills and also teach them the value of seeking help. Therapists can help kids and families cope with stress and a variety of emotional and behavioral issues. Many kids need help dealing with school stress, such as homework, test anxiety, bullying, or peer pressure. Others need help to discuss their feelings about family issues, particularly if there's a major transition, such as a divorce, move, or serious illness.
Should My Child See a Therapist?
Significant life events — such as the death of a family member, friend, or pet; divorce or a move; abuse; trauma; a parent leaving on military deployment; or a major illness in the family — can cause stress that might lead to problems with behavior, mood, sleep, appetite, and academic or social functioning. In some cases, it's not as clear what's caused a child to suddenly seem withdrawn, worried, stress, sulky, or tearful. But if you feel your child might have an emotional or behavioral problem or needs help coping with a difficult life event, trust your instincts.
Signs that a child may benefit from seeing a psychologist or licensed therapist include:
•developmental delay in speech, language, or toilet training
•learning or attention problems (such as ADHD)
•behavioral problems (such as excessive anger, acting out, bedwetting or eating disorders)
•a significant drop in grades, particularly if your child normally maintains high grades
•episodes of sadness, tearfulness, or depression
•social withdrawal or isolation
•being the victim of bullying or bullying other children
•decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities
•overly aggressive behavior (such as biting, kicking, or hitting)
•sudden changes in appetite (particularly in adolescents)
•insomnia or increased sleepiness
•excessive school absenteeism or tardiness
•mood swings (e.g., happy one minute, upset the next)
•development of or an increase in physical complaints (such as headache, stomachache, or not feeling well) despite a normal physical exam by your doctor
•management of a serious, acute, or chronic illness
•signs of alcohol, drug, or other substance use (such as solvents or prescription drug abuse)
•problems in transitions (following separation, divorce, or relocation)
•bereavement issues
•custody evaluations
•therapy following sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or other traumatic events
Kids who aren't yet school-age could benefit from seeing a developmental or clinical psychologist if there's a significant delay in achieving developmental milestones such as walking, talking, and potty training, and if there are concerns regarding autism or other developmental disorders.
Talk to Caregivers, Teachers, and the Doctor
It's also helpful to speak to caregivers and teachers who interact regularly with your child. Is your child paying attention in class and turning in assignments on time? What's his or her behavior like at recess and with peers? Gather as much information as possible to determine the best course of action.Discuss your concerns with your child's doctor, who can offer perspective and evaluate your child to rule out any medical conditions that could be having an effect. The doctor also may be able to refer you to a qualified therapist for the help your child needs.
Finding the Right Therapist
How do you find a qualified clinician who has experience working with kids and teens? While experience and education are important, it's also important to find a counselor your child feels comfortable talking to. Look for one who not only has the right experience, but also the best approach to help your child in the current circumstances.
Your doctor can be a good source of a referral. Most doctors have working relationships with mental health specialists such as child psychologists or clinical social workers. Friends, colleagues, or family members might also be able to recommend someone.
Consider a number of factors when searching for the right therapist for your child. A good first step is to ask if the therapist is willing to meet with you for a brief consultation or to talk with you during a phone interview before you commit to regular visits. Not all therapists are able to do this, given their busy schedules. Most therapists charge a fee for this type of service; others consider it a complimentary visit.
Consider the following factors when evaluating a potential therapist:
Is the therapist licensed to practice in your state? (You can check with the state board for that profession or check to see if the license is displayed in the office.)Is the therapist covered by your health insurance plan's mental health benefits? If so, how many sessions are covered by your plan? What will your co-pay be?What are his or her credentials?What type of experience does the therapist have?How long has the therapist worked with children and adolescents?Would your child find the therapist friendly?What is the cancellation policy if you're unable to keep an appointment?Is the therapist available by phone during an emergency?Who will be available to your child during the therapist's vacation or illness or during off-hours?What types of therapy does the therapist specialize in?Is the therapist willing to meet with you in addition to working with your child?The right therapist-client match is critical, so you might need to meet with a few before you find one who clicks with both you and your child.
As with other medical professionals, therapists may have a variety of credentials and specific degrees. As a general rule, your child's therapist should hold a professional degree in the field of mental health (psychology, social work, or psychiatry) and be licensed by your state. Psychologists, social workers, and psychiatrists all diagnose and treat mental health disorders.
It's also a good idea to know what those letters that follow a therapist's name mean:
PsychiatristsPsychiatrists (MDs or DOs) are medical doctors who have advanced training and experience in psychotherapy and pharmacology. They can also prescribe medications.
Clinical Psychologists(PhDs, PsyDs, or EdDs) are therapists who have a doctorate degree that includes advanced training in the practice of psychology, and many specialize in treating children and teens and their families. Psychologists may help clients manage medications but do not prescribe medication.
Clinical Social Workers
A licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) has a master's degree, specializes in clinical social work, and is licensed in the state in which he or she practices. An LICSW is also a licensed clinical social worker. A CSW is a certified social worker. Many social workers are trained in psychotherapy, but the credentials vary from state to state. Likewise, the designations (i.e., LCSW, LICSW, CSW) can vary from state to state.
Different Types of Therapy
There are many types of therapy. Therapists choose the strategies that are most appropriate for a particular problem and for the individual child and family. Therapists will often spend a portion of each session with the parents alone, with the child alone, and with the family together.
Any one therapist may use a variety of strategies, including:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)This type of therapy is often helpful with kids and teens who are depressed, anxious, or having problems coping with stress.
Cognitive behavioral therapy restructures negative thoughts into more positive, effective ways of thinking. It can include work on stress management strategies, relaxation training, practicing coping skills, and other forms of treatment.
Psychoanalytic therapy is less commonly used with children but can be used with older kids and teens who may benefit from more in-depth analysis of their problems. This is the quintessential "talk therapy" and does not focus on short-term problem-solving in the same way as CBT and behavioral therapies.
In some cases, kids benefit from individual therapy, one-on-one work with the therapist on issues they need guidance on, such as depression, social difficulties, or worry. In other cases, the right option is group therapy, where kids meet in groups of 6 to 12 to solve problems and learn new skills (such as social skills or anger management).
Family therapy can be helpful in many cases, such as when family members aren't getting along; disagree or argue often; or when a child or teen is having behavior problems. Family therapy involves counseling sessions with some, or all, family members, helping to improve communication skills among them. Treatment focuses on problem-solving techniques and can help parents re-establish their role as authority figures.
Preparing for the First Visit
You may be concerned that your child will become upset when told of an upcoming visit with a therapist. Although this is sometimes the case, it's essential to be honest about the session and why your child (or family) will be going. The issue will come up during the session, but it's important for you to prepare your child for it.
Explain to young kids that this type of visit to the doctor doesn't involve a physical exam or shots. You may also want to stress that this type of doctor talks and plays with kids and families to help them solve problems and feel better. Kids might feel reassured to learn that the therapist will be helping the parents and other family members too.
Older kids and teens may be reassured to hear that anything they say to the therapist is confidential and cannot be shared with anyone else, including parents or other doctors, without their permission — the exception is if they indicate that they're having thoughts of suicide or otherwise hurting themselves or others.
Giving kids this kind of information before the first appointment can help set the tone, prevent your child from feeling singled out or isolated, and provide reassurance that the family will be working together on the problem.
Providing Additional Support
While your child copes with emotional issues, be there to listen and care, and offer support without judgment. Patience is critical, too, as many young children are unable to verbalize their fears and emotions.
Try to set aside some time to discuss your child's worries or concerns. To minimize distractions, turn off the TV and let voice mail answer your phone calls. This will let your child know that he or she is your first priority.
Other ways to communicate openly and problem-solve include:
Talk openly and as frequently with your child as you can.Show love and affection to your child, especially during troubled times.Set a good example by taking care of your own physical and emotional needs.Enlist the support of your partner, immediate family members, your child's doctor, and teachers.Improve communication at home by having family meetings that end with a fun activity (e.g., playing a game, making ice-cream sundaes).No matter how hard it is, set limits on inappropriate or problematic behaviors. Ask the therapist for some strategies to encourage your child's cooperation.Communicate frequently with the therapist.Be open to all types of feedback from your child and from the therapist.Respect the relationship between your child and the therapist. If you feel threatened by it, discuss this with the therapist (it's nothing to be embarrassed about).Enjoy favorite activities or hobbies with your child.By recognizing problems and seeking help early on, you can help your child — and your entire family — move through the tough times toward happier, healthier times ahead.
Should My Child See a Therapist?
Significant life events — such as the death of a family member, friend, or pet; divorce or a move; abuse; trauma; a parent leaving on military deployment; or a major illness in the family — can cause stress that might lead to problems with behavior, mood, sleep, appetite, and academic or social functioning. In some cases, it's not as clear what's caused a child to suddenly seem withdrawn, worried, stress, sulky, or tearful. But if you feel your child might have an emotional or behavioral problem or needs help coping with a difficult life event, trust your instincts.
Signs that a child may benefit from seeing a psychologist or licensed therapist include:
•developmental delay in speech, language, or toilet training
•learning or attention problems (such as ADHD)
•behavioral problems (such as excessive anger, acting out, bedwetting or eating disorders)
•a significant drop in grades, particularly if your child normally maintains high grades
•episodes of sadness, tearfulness, or depression
•social withdrawal or isolation
•being the victim of bullying or bullying other children
•decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities
•overly aggressive behavior (such as biting, kicking, or hitting)
•sudden changes in appetite (particularly in adolescents)
•insomnia or increased sleepiness
•excessive school absenteeism or tardiness
•mood swings (e.g., happy one minute, upset the next)
•development of or an increase in physical complaints (such as headache, stomachache, or not feeling well) despite a normal physical exam by your doctor
•management of a serious, acute, or chronic illness
•signs of alcohol, drug, or other substance use (such as solvents or prescription drug abuse)
•problems in transitions (following separation, divorce, or relocation)
•bereavement issues
•custody evaluations
•therapy following sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or other traumatic events
Kids who aren't yet school-age could benefit from seeing a developmental or clinical psychologist if there's a significant delay in achieving developmental milestones such as walking, talking, and potty training, and if there are concerns regarding autism or other developmental disorders.
Talk to Caregivers, Teachers, and the Doctor
It's also helpful to speak to caregivers and teachers who interact regularly with your child. Is your child paying attention in class and turning in assignments on time? What's his or her behavior like at recess and with peers? Gather as much information as possible to determine the best course of action.Discuss your concerns with your child's doctor, who can offer perspective and evaluate your child to rule out any medical conditions that could be having an effect. The doctor also may be able to refer you to a qualified therapist for the help your child needs.
Finding the Right Therapist
How do you find a qualified clinician who has experience working with kids and teens? While experience and education are important, it's also important to find a counselor your child feels comfortable talking to. Look for one who not only has the right experience, but also the best approach to help your child in the current circumstances.
Your doctor can be a good source of a referral. Most doctors have working relationships with mental health specialists such as child psychologists or clinical social workers. Friends, colleagues, or family members might also be able to recommend someone.
Consider a number of factors when searching for the right therapist for your child. A good first step is to ask if the therapist is willing to meet with you for a brief consultation or to talk with you during a phone interview before you commit to regular visits. Not all therapists are able to do this, given their busy schedules. Most therapists charge a fee for this type of service; others consider it a complimentary visit.
Consider the following factors when evaluating a potential therapist:
Is the therapist licensed to practice in your state? (You can check with the state board for that profession or check to see if the license is displayed in the office.)Is the therapist covered by your health insurance plan's mental health benefits? If so, how many sessions are covered by your plan? What will your co-pay be?What are his or her credentials?What type of experience does the therapist have?How long has the therapist worked with children and adolescents?Would your child find the therapist friendly?What is the cancellation policy if you're unable to keep an appointment?Is the therapist available by phone during an emergency?Who will be available to your child during the therapist's vacation or illness or during off-hours?What types of therapy does the therapist specialize in?Is the therapist willing to meet with you in addition to working with your child?The right therapist-client match is critical, so you might need to meet with a few before you find one who clicks with both you and your child.
As with other medical professionals, therapists may have a variety of credentials and specific degrees. As a general rule, your child's therapist should hold a professional degree in the field of mental health (psychology, social work, or psychiatry) and be licensed by your state. Psychologists, social workers, and psychiatrists all diagnose and treat mental health disorders.
It's also a good idea to know what those letters that follow a therapist's name mean:
PsychiatristsPsychiatrists (MDs or DOs) are medical doctors who have advanced training and experience in psychotherapy and pharmacology. They can also prescribe medications.
Clinical Psychologists(PhDs, PsyDs, or EdDs) are therapists who have a doctorate degree that includes advanced training in the practice of psychology, and many specialize in treating children and teens and their families. Psychologists may help clients manage medications but do not prescribe medication.
Clinical Social Workers
A licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) has a master's degree, specializes in clinical social work, and is licensed in the state in which he or she practices. An LICSW is also a licensed clinical social worker. A CSW is a certified social worker. Many social workers are trained in psychotherapy, but the credentials vary from state to state. Likewise, the designations (i.e., LCSW, LICSW, CSW) can vary from state to state.
Different Types of Therapy
There are many types of therapy. Therapists choose the strategies that are most appropriate for a particular problem and for the individual child and family. Therapists will often spend a portion of each session with the parents alone, with the child alone, and with the family together.
Any one therapist may use a variety of strategies, including:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)This type of therapy is often helpful with kids and teens who are depressed, anxious, or having problems coping with stress.
Cognitive behavioral therapy restructures negative thoughts into more positive, effective ways of thinking. It can include work on stress management strategies, relaxation training, practicing coping skills, and other forms of treatment.
Psychoanalytic therapy is less commonly used with children but can be used with older kids and teens who may benefit from more in-depth analysis of their problems. This is the quintessential "talk therapy" and does not focus on short-term problem-solving in the same way as CBT and behavioral therapies.
In some cases, kids benefit from individual therapy, one-on-one work with the therapist on issues they need guidance on, such as depression, social difficulties, or worry. In other cases, the right option is group therapy, where kids meet in groups of 6 to 12 to solve problems and learn new skills (such as social skills or anger management).
Family therapy can be helpful in many cases, such as when family members aren't getting along; disagree or argue often; or when a child or teen is having behavior problems. Family therapy involves counseling sessions with some, or all, family members, helping to improve communication skills among them. Treatment focuses on problem-solving techniques and can help parents re-establish their role as authority figures.
Preparing for the First Visit
You may be concerned that your child will become upset when told of an upcoming visit with a therapist. Although this is sometimes the case, it's essential to be honest about the session and why your child (or family) will be going. The issue will come up during the session, but it's important for you to prepare your child for it.
Explain to young kids that this type of visit to the doctor doesn't involve a physical exam or shots. You may also want to stress that this type of doctor talks and plays with kids and families to help them solve problems and feel better. Kids might feel reassured to learn that the therapist will be helping the parents and other family members too.
Older kids and teens may be reassured to hear that anything they say to the therapist is confidential and cannot be shared with anyone else, including parents or other doctors, without their permission — the exception is if they indicate that they're having thoughts of suicide or otherwise hurting themselves or others.
Giving kids this kind of information before the first appointment can help set the tone, prevent your child from feeling singled out or isolated, and provide reassurance that the family will be working together on the problem.
Providing Additional Support
While your child copes with emotional issues, be there to listen and care, and offer support without judgment. Patience is critical, too, as many young children are unable to verbalize their fears and emotions.
Try to set aside some time to discuss your child's worries or concerns. To minimize distractions, turn off the TV and let voice mail answer your phone calls. This will let your child know that he or she is your first priority.
Other ways to communicate openly and problem-solve include:
Talk openly and as frequently with your child as you can.Show love and affection to your child, especially during troubled times.Set a good example by taking care of your own physical and emotional needs.Enlist the support of your partner, immediate family members, your child's doctor, and teachers.Improve communication at home by having family meetings that end with a fun activity (e.g., playing a game, making ice-cream sundaes).No matter how hard it is, set limits on inappropriate or problematic behaviors. Ask the therapist for some strategies to encourage your child's cooperation.Communicate frequently with the therapist.Be open to all types of feedback from your child and from the therapist.Respect the relationship between your child and the therapist. If you feel threatened by it, discuss this with the therapist (it's nothing to be embarrassed about).Enjoy favorite activities or hobbies with your child.By recognizing problems and seeking help early on, you can help your child — and your entire family — move through the tough times toward happier, healthier times ahead.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Bully proof your child
If you haven’t been following the story of Jamey Rodemeyer, you need to start now.
Jamey Rodemeyer was a 14 year old boy from Buffalo, NY who took his life shortly after posting a farewell message on his Facebook page.
Jamey was tormented by an identifiable group of teens for at least a year, but far longer according his parents. Jamey was tormented by hate comments with gay references on social networking sites. On one site, where anonymous postings are the norm, bullies made reference to the fact that no one would care if he were to die. That’s not the case.
The Buffalo police launched a criminal investigation into the case. It won’t bring Jamey back, but hopefully it will send a clear message.
Lady Gaga is also on the case. She intends to meet with the President to discuss making bullying a crime, and she recently dedicated a song to Jamey at the IHeartRadioFestival in Las Vegas. She’s also asking Twitter to trend #MakeALawForJamey
The National Education for Educational Statistics reports that 28% of students ages 12-18 admit to be bullied during the 2008-2009 school year. The most cited forms of bullying include ridicule and rumors, with cyber bullying on the rise.
Bullying is becoming an epidemic. Lady Gaga is right: Bullying should be illegal.
We all have to do our part to take a stand on bullying in our own communities. And it has to start at home. Below are some tips to help you bully proof your child:
1. Teach your child about bullying: For years parents have been avoiding family discussions about bullying with the hope that it just won’t happen. It’s happening everywhere. Explain bullying to your children. Make sure that they understand that bullying includes teasing and rumor spreading, not just physical aggression. It’s up to you to make sure that your children truly understand what bullying is and how it affects others.
2. Allow for open communication: Create an atmosphere where your kids feel comfortable coming to you with their concerns. Be open, objective, and honest with your kids when they come to you with concerns about friendship issues, even if you suspect that your child might be bullying another. If our kids are afraid to talk to us, we can’t help them. Be there for them.
3. Set clear rules and be consistent: Kids need to understand rules and boundaries. They need to know that limits exist to keep them safe. Make your house rules clear and apply them no matter where you are. Be consistent in applying the rules and helping your kids make better choices. Rules only work if they are used consistently. This is not a negative. Rules exist to keep everyone healthy and safe from harm.
4. Teach empathy: I cover this topic regularly, so I will keep it brief. Teach your children to think about how another person might feel when being teased or left out. Teach your children to reach out to friends who are feeling sad or frustrated. Teach your children to care about others.
5. Take a stand on aggression: If I have to hear “boys will be boys” one more time…I get it. I have a boy. He jumps from furniture and literally attempts to climb the walls. Would you like to know what he’s NOT allowed to do? Hit. Punch. Kick. Push. Bite. Stop physical aggression immediately, whether it’s within the family or out in the community. Kids need to learn healthy alternatives to physical aggression. It’s up to you to teach them.
6. Respect differences: When you really get down to it, we’re all different. Race, religion, parenting styles, interests, abilities, food preferences…the list goes on. Teach your children the value of learning from someone else. Help your children see that different can be very good, and can open their eyes to a new way of doing things. Teach them to show the same respect to everyone, regardless of differences. You would think that in 2011 this wouldn’t make the list…sadly, it does.
7. Model conflict resolution strategies: If you yell and scream every time you have a conflict with your partner or get frustrated with your kids, your kids will do the same. If you resort to name calling and teasing when you’re frustrated, your kids will do the same. Model appropriate ways to cope with frustration. Teach them to walk away, take a few deep breaths, write it down first, etc. Teach them how to react without bullying. If you use physical aggression as a means to discipline your kids…GET HELP NOW.
8. Know what’s happening: Whether you are a working parent or not, life can get busy and it’s easy to lose track of what’s happening at school. Try not to rely on your child’s reports alone. Know what’s going on at the school. Forge friendships with other parents and support one another. Contact the teacher if your child appears withdrawn and/or avoids social contact. With so many students in each school and a heavy focus on making the grade, social issues can fall through the cracks until it’s too late. Stay on top of it.
9. Encourage strengths and interests: With college becoming more and more expensive, and more and more competitive, parents are always looking for the right track to get their kids on. Let them do what they love. When kids engage in activities that they enjoy, their self-confidence soars. When kids are self-confident, they are less prone to giving in to peer pressure and better able to stand up for themselves or others. Maybe golf scholarships are a way to get into college, but cultivating that love of art might just save your child from either being a bully or being bullied.
10. Increase supervision: At the end of the day, you are responsible for your kids. It’s a big job. If you choose to give your child a Smart Phone complete with email, Facebook and Twitter accounts, and other forms of social networking, you are responsible for supervising all of those accounts. Sure, kids need some privacy and boundaries. But they also use technology to target others. Be prepared to check the text messages and have the email filtered through your account. Know the passwords for Twitter and Facebook. Be honest with your kids. Tell them that access to these outlets comes with supervision. Have them check their phones in at night to avoid lost sleep due to tech overload and keep the laptops in family rooms. Monitor usage. You are responsible for your children.
Bullying is taking the lives of very young children, but it doesn’t have to. Let’s all agree to do our part to make sure that our children don’t bully.
How has bullying affected your life?
October is LGBT History Month. Take a moment to focus on teaching respect and acceptance.
Jamey Rodemeyer was a 14 year old boy from Buffalo, NY who took his life shortly after posting a farewell message on his Facebook page.
Jamey was tormented by an identifiable group of teens for at least a year, but far longer according his parents. Jamey was tormented by hate comments with gay references on social networking sites. On one site, where anonymous postings are the norm, bullies made reference to the fact that no one would care if he were to die. That’s not the case.
The Buffalo police launched a criminal investigation into the case. It won’t bring Jamey back, but hopefully it will send a clear message.
Lady Gaga is also on the case. She intends to meet with the President to discuss making bullying a crime, and she recently dedicated a song to Jamey at the IHeartRadioFestival in Las Vegas. She’s also asking Twitter to trend #MakeALawForJamey
The National Education for Educational Statistics reports that 28% of students ages 12-18 admit to be bullied during the 2008-2009 school year. The most cited forms of bullying include ridicule and rumors, with cyber bullying on the rise.
Bullying is becoming an epidemic. Lady Gaga is right: Bullying should be illegal.
We all have to do our part to take a stand on bullying in our own communities. And it has to start at home. Below are some tips to help you bully proof your child:
1. Teach your child about bullying: For years parents have been avoiding family discussions about bullying with the hope that it just won’t happen. It’s happening everywhere. Explain bullying to your children. Make sure that they understand that bullying includes teasing and rumor spreading, not just physical aggression. It’s up to you to make sure that your children truly understand what bullying is and how it affects others.
2. Allow for open communication: Create an atmosphere where your kids feel comfortable coming to you with their concerns. Be open, objective, and honest with your kids when they come to you with concerns about friendship issues, even if you suspect that your child might be bullying another. If our kids are afraid to talk to us, we can’t help them. Be there for them.
3. Set clear rules and be consistent: Kids need to understand rules and boundaries. They need to know that limits exist to keep them safe. Make your house rules clear and apply them no matter where you are. Be consistent in applying the rules and helping your kids make better choices. Rules only work if they are used consistently. This is not a negative. Rules exist to keep everyone healthy and safe from harm.
4. Teach empathy: I cover this topic regularly, so I will keep it brief. Teach your children to think about how another person might feel when being teased or left out. Teach your children to reach out to friends who are feeling sad or frustrated. Teach your children to care about others.
5. Take a stand on aggression: If I have to hear “boys will be boys” one more time…I get it. I have a boy. He jumps from furniture and literally attempts to climb the walls. Would you like to know what he’s NOT allowed to do? Hit. Punch. Kick. Push. Bite. Stop physical aggression immediately, whether it’s within the family or out in the community. Kids need to learn healthy alternatives to physical aggression. It’s up to you to teach them.
6. Respect differences: When you really get down to it, we’re all different. Race, religion, parenting styles, interests, abilities, food preferences…the list goes on. Teach your children the value of learning from someone else. Help your children see that different can be very good, and can open their eyes to a new way of doing things. Teach them to show the same respect to everyone, regardless of differences. You would think that in 2011 this wouldn’t make the list…sadly, it does.
7. Model conflict resolution strategies: If you yell and scream every time you have a conflict with your partner or get frustrated with your kids, your kids will do the same. If you resort to name calling and teasing when you’re frustrated, your kids will do the same. Model appropriate ways to cope with frustration. Teach them to walk away, take a few deep breaths, write it down first, etc. Teach them how to react without bullying. If you use physical aggression as a means to discipline your kids…GET HELP NOW.
8. Know what’s happening: Whether you are a working parent or not, life can get busy and it’s easy to lose track of what’s happening at school. Try not to rely on your child’s reports alone. Know what’s going on at the school. Forge friendships with other parents and support one another. Contact the teacher if your child appears withdrawn and/or avoids social contact. With so many students in each school and a heavy focus on making the grade, social issues can fall through the cracks until it’s too late. Stay on top of it.
9. Encourage strengths and interests: With college becoming more and more expensive, and more and more competitive, parents are always looking for the right track to get their kids on. Let them do what they love. When kids engage in activities that they enjoy, their self-confidence soars. When kids are self-confident, they are less prone to giving in to peer pressure and better able to stand up for themselves or others. Maybe golf scholarships are a way to get into college, but cultivating that love of art might just save your child from either being a bully or being bullied.
10. Increase supervision: At the end of the day, you are responsible for your kids. It’s a big job. If you choose to give your child a Smart Phone complete with email, Facebook and Twitter accounts, and other forms of social networking, you are responsible for supervising all of those accounts. Sure, kids need some privacy and boundaries. But they also use technology to target others. Be prepared to check the text messages and have the email filtered through your account. Know the passwords for Twitter and Facebook. Be honest with your kids. Tell them that access to these outlets comes with supervision. Have them check their phones in at night to avoid lost sleep due to tech overload and keep the laptops in family rooms. Monitor usage. You are responsible for your children.
Bullying is taking the lives of very young children, but it doesn’t have to. Let’s all agree to do our part to make sure that our children don’t bully.
How has bullying affected your life?
October is LGBT History Month. Take a moment to focus on teaching respect and acceptance.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Praise for 48 hours
We can sometimes get stuck only seeing the negative in our children because it has a tendency to slap us in the face. It may be a trait we see in ourselves that has long bothered us and we can't bare to see it played out in the "mirror" that is our child.Our children may have inherited some of the traits or temperment issues that have been difficult for us but we need to be mindful that they are not us. They are their own unique little people forming, evolving and adapting as best they can.
Make a list of your child's positive traits. Are they witty, creative, ingenious, crafty, inventive, imaginative, problem-solvers, compassionate, leaders? Then tell them. Right out of the blue. From the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. For 48 hours. See what happens. I bet you'll be surprised.
Make a list of your child's positive traits. Are they witty, creative, ingenious, crafty, inventive, imaginative, problem-solvers, compassionate, leaders? Then tell them. Right out of the blue. From the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. For 48 hours. See what happens. I bet you'll be surprised.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Worries....we all have them
Kids don't have to pay bills, cook dinners, or manage carpools. But — just like adults — they have their share of daily demands and things that don't go smoothly. If frustrations and disappointments pile up, kids can get worried.
It's natural for all kids to worry at times, and because of personality and temperament differences, some may worry more than others. Luckily, parents can help kids manage worry and tackle everyday problems with ease. Kids who can do that develop a sense of confidence and optimism that will help them master life's challenges, big and small.
What Do Kids Worry About?
What kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they're in.
Kids and preteens typically worry about things like grades, tests, their changing bodies, fitting in with friends, that goal they missed at the soccer game, or whether they'll make the team. They may worry about social troubles like cliques, peer pressure, or whether they'll be bullied, teased, or left out. Because they're beginning to feel more a part of the larger world around them, preteens also may worry about world events or issues they hear about on the news or at school. Things like terrorism, war, pollution, global warming, endangered animals, and natural disasters can become a source of worry.
Helping Kids Conquer Worry
To help your kids manage what's worrying them:
Find out what's on their minds: Be available and take an interest in what's happening at school, on the team, and with your kids' friends. Take casual opportunities to ask how it's going. As you listen to stories of the day's events, be sure to ask about what your kids think and feel about what happened. If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it. Encourage kids to put what's bothering them into words. Ask for key details and listen attentively. Sometimes just sharing the story with you can help lighten their load. Show you care and understand. Being interested in your child's concerns shows they're important to you, too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments can help — but usually only after you've heard your child out. Say that you understand your child's feelings and the problem. Be sure to hear about the upbeat stuff, too. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen and let kids tell you what they think and feel about successes, achievements, and positive experiences.
Guide kids to solutions.
You can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal constructively with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem, offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study will lessen his concern about it. In most situations, resist the urge to jump in and fix a problem for your child — instead, think it through and come up with possible solutions together. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem independently.
Keep things in perspective.
Kids sometimes worry about things that have already happened. That's where parents can offer some big-picture perspective. Maybe your daughter got a really bad haircut that sent her home in tears. Let her know you understand how upset she feels, then remind her that her hair will grow and help her come up with a cool new way to style it in the meantime. If your son is worried about whether he'll get the lead in the school play, remind him that there's a play every season — if he doesn't get the part he wants this time, he'll have other opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know that — regardless of the outcome — you're proud that he tried out and gave it his best shot. Without minimizing a child's feelings, point out that many problems are temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience, and the optimism to try again. Remind your kids that whatever happens, things will be OK.
Make a difference.
Sometimes kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by discussing these issues, offering accurate information, and correcting any misconceptions kids might have. Try to reassure kids by talking about what adults are doing to tackle the problem to keep them safe. Be aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If you express anger and stress about a world event that's beyond your control, kids are likely to react that way too. But if you express your concern by taking a proactive approach to make a positive difference, your kids will feel more optimistic and empowered to do the same. So look for things you can do with your kids to help all of you feel like you're making a positive difference. You may not be able to go stop a war, for example, but your family can contribute to an organization that works for peace or helps kids in war-torn countries. Or your family might perform community service to give your kids the experience of volunteering.
Offer reassurance and comfort.
Sometimes when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent's reassurance and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words, or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens, parents will be there with love and support. Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather than dwell on it. Know when it's time to move on, and help kids shift gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that's more upbeat or an activity that will create a lighter mood.
Be a good role model.
The most powerful lessons we teach kids are the ones we demonstrate. Your response to your own worries can go a long way toward teaching your kids how to deal with everyday challenges. If you're rattled or angry when dealing with a to-do list that's too long, your child will learn that as the appropriate response to stress. Instead, look on the bright side and voice optimistic thoughts about your own situations at least as frequently as you talk about what worries you. Set a good example with your reactions to problems and setbacks. Responding with optimism and confidence teaches kids that problems are temporary and tomorrow's another day. Bouncing back with a can-do attitude will help your kids do the same.
It's natural for all kids to worry at times, and because of personality and temperament differences, some may worry more than others. Luckily, parents can help kids manage worry and tackle everyday problems with ease. Kids who can do that develop a sense of confidence and optimism that will help them master life's challenges, big and small.
What Do Kids Worry About?
What kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they're in.
Kids and preteens typically worry about things like grades, tests, their changing bodies, fitting in with friends, that goal they missed at the soccer game, or whether they'll make the team. They may worry about social troubles like cliques, peer pressure, or whether they'll be bullied, teased, or left out. Because they're beginning to feel more a part of the larger world around them, preteens also may worry about world events or issues they hear about on the news or at school. Things like terrorism, war, pollution, global warming, endangered animals, and natural disasters can become a source of worry.
Helping Kids Conquer Worry
To help your kids manage what's worrying them:
Find out what's on their minds: Be available and take an interest in what's happening at school, on the team, and with your kids' friends. Take casual opportunities to ask how it's going. As you listen to stories of the day's events, be sure to ask about what your kids think and feel about what happened. If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it. Encourage kids to put what's bothering them into words. Ask for key details and listen attentively. Sometimes just sharing the story with you can help lighten their load. Show you care and understand. Being interested in your child's concerns shows they're important to you, too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments can help — but usually only after you've heard your child out. Say that you understand your child's feelings and the problem. Be sure to hear about the upbeat stuff, too. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen and let kids tell you what they think and feel about successes, achievements, and positive experiences.
Guide kids to solutions.
You can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal constructively with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem, offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study will lessen his concern about it. In most situations, resist the urge to jump in and fix a problem for your child — instead, think it through and come up with possible solutions together. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem independently.
Keep things in perspective.
Kids sometimes worry about things that have already happened. That's where parents can offer some big-picture perspective. Maybe your daughter got a really bad haircut that sent her home in tears. Let her know you understand how upset she feels, then remind her that her hair will grow and help her come up with a cool new way to style it in the meantime. If your son is worried about whether he'll get the lead in the school play, remind him that there's a play every season — if he doesn't get the part he wants this time, he'll have other opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know that — regardless of the outcome — you're proud that he tried out and gave it his best shot. Without minimizing a child's feelings, point out that many problems are temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience, and the optimism to try again. Remind your kids that whatever happens, things will be OK.
Make a difference.
Sometimes kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by discussing these issues, offering accurate information, and correcting any misconceptions kids might have. Try to reassure kids by talking about what adults are doing to tackle the problem to keep them safe. Be aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If you express anger and stress about a world event that's beyond your control, kids are likely to react that way too. But if you express your concern by taking a proactive approach to make a positive difference, your kids will feel more optimistic and empowered to do the same. So look for things you can do with your kids to help all of you feel like you're making a positive difference. You may not be able to go stop a war, for example, but your family can contribute to an organization that works for peace or helps kids in war-torn countries. Or your family might perform community service to give your kids the experience of volunteering.
Offer reassurance and comfort.
Sometimes when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent's reassurance and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words, or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens, parents will be there with love and support. Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather than dwell on it. Know when it's time to move on, and help kids shift gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that's more upbeat or an activity that will create a lighter mood.
Be a good role model.
The most powerful lessons we teach kids are the ones we demonstrate. Your response to your own worries can go a long way toward teaching your kids how to deal with everyday challenges. If you're rattled or angry when dealing with a to-do list that's too long, your child will learn that as the appropriate response to stress. Instead, look on the bright side and voice optimistic thoughts about your own situations at least as frequently as you talk about what worries you. Set a good example with your reactions to problems and setbacks. Responding with optimism and confidence teaches kids that problems are temporary and tomorrow's another day. Bouncing back with a can-do attitude will help your kids do the same.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It’s almost that time of year again. Believe it or not, your kids will be heading back to school in the near future. You can almost taste it! But making the transition from summer to fall means that you’d better think ahead. There are a lot of changes that must be managed. Here are five back to school tips to help you and your kids make the shift as easy as
possible.
1. Bedtime
Gradually start getting the children to bed earlier and earlier, so that one week before school starts, they are on their fall schedule. Once school begins, bedtime should be the same every night. Weekend times for bed, of course, can still be a little different from the rest of the week.
2. Homework
If you have youngsters who handle homework on their own (yes, there are
children like this), leave them alone or say something like: “Boy, you really did a good job last year doing your schoolwork by yourself.” With other children, sit them down and discuss how homework will be handled every day. Good rules of thumb are same time, same place and try to get it all done before dinner. TV is not allowed while doing schoolwork, but many kids do better while listening to music.
3. New Schools
If you have a child who is going to a school they haven’t been to before, make sure you take them over for a visit. Take them to their new classroom and — even better — see if you can meet their new teacher. Even if you can’t, try to find at least one friendly person in the school that your child can talk to for even a little bit. Your visit— and that friendly memory— will help to counter some of your child’s fears of the unknown.
4. School Supplies
Make a fun shopping trip out of buying school supplies. One‐on-one shared fun is the best parent‐child bonding method in history. That means ONE child plus you go shopping and to lunch, not THREE kids plus you. Kids cherish being alone with a parent, and for you the pleasure is partly due to the fact that sibling rivalry in this situation is impossible.
5. Listen and Talk
While you’re out getting things for school, or anytime really, be a sympathetic listener. Ask your child how it feels to be going back to school. “What’s good about it and what’s not so hot.” Then, from time to time, fill your young one in on what it felt like for you to be going back to school at about her age. Don’t be scared—be honest!
Checking Homework ‐ PNP Method
PNP stands for “Positive‐Negative‐Positive”. Whenever a youngster brings any piece of school work to you, the first thing out of your mouth must be something positive—some type of praise. You might for instance, simply praise the child for remembering to show you her work. After saying something nice about the child’s effort, you may then
make a constructive comment, if it’s absolutely necessary. Finally, you conclude your insightful remarks with something positive again.
This type of response will help bring her back again and again. Kids will never want to bring you anything if you follow your/our natural human inclinations and shoot from the hip with criticism, however well-meaning it may be.
possible.
1. Bedtime
Gradually start getting the children to bed earlier and earlier, so that one week before school starts, they are on their fall schedule. Once school begins, bedtime should be the same every night. Weekend times for bed, of course, can still be a little different from the rest of the week.
2. Homework
If you have youngsters who handle homework on their own (yes, there are
children like this), leave them alone or say something like: “Boy, you really did a good job last year doing your schoolwork by yourself.” With other children, sit them down and discuss how homework will be handled every day. Good rules of thumb are same time, same place and try to get it all done before dinner. TV is not allowed while doing schoolwork, but many kids do better while listening to music.
3. New Schools
If you have a child who is going to a school they haven’t been to before, make sure you take them over for a visit. Take them to their new classroom and — even better — see if you can meet their new teacher. Even if you can’t, try to find at least one friendly person in the school that your child can talk to for even a little bit. Your visit— and that friendly memory— will help to counter some of your child’s fears of the unknown.
4. School Supplies
Make a fun shopping trip out of buying school supplies. One‐on-one shared fun is the best parent‐child bonding method in history. That means ONE child plus you go shopping and to lunch, not THREE kids plus you. Kids cherish being alone with a parent, and for you the pleasure is partly due to the fact that sibling rivalry in this situation is impossible.
5. Listen and Talk
While you’re out getting things for school, or anytime really, be a sympathetic listener. Ask your child how it feels to be going back to school. “What’s good about it and what’s not so hot.” Then, from time to time, fill your young one in on what it felt like for you to be going back to school at about her age. Don’t be scared—be honest!
Checking Homework ‐ PNP Method
PNP stands for “Positive‐Negative‐Positive”. Whenever a youngster brings any piece of school work to you, the first thing out of your mouth must be something positive—some type of praise. You might for instance, simply praise the child for remembering to show you her work. After saying something nice about the child’s effort, you may then
make a constructive comment, if it’s absolutely necessary. Finally, you conclude your insightful remarks with something positive again.
This type of response will help bring her back again and again. Kids will never want to bring you anything if you follow your/our natural human inclinations and shoot from the hip with criticism, however well-meaning it may be.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Age of Reason
Around the time of her 7th birthday, your child's conscience emerges to help guide her actions.
Few parents would argue with the observation that children age 6 and younger do not have great control over their feelings and impulses. Nor is your very young child likely to take genuine responsibility for her actions, or heed adults' urging to be considerate of others. When she does the right thing, she is more likely responding to your expectations and demands than exercising her own conscience.
We grown-ups often become impatient with the seeming selfishness of little ones who don't share. But to them, it doesn't make sense that anyone would ask something so outrageous. If they comply, it is to the letter, not the spirit, of the sharing rule. One 3 year old, under great pressure to share a toy with his younger brother, finally handed it over — and then took it back in a flash, saying "Now you share!"
Yes, your baby shows early signs of empathy when she cries because another baby is crying, or when, as a toddler, she brings her wailing playmate to you for consolation. But those situations do not require a sacrifice of self-interest or a belief in doing "the right thing." It is not until the age of 7, give or take a year or so, that your child's conscience begins to mature enough to guide her actions. In fact, there is typically a marked surge in moral and mental maturity at that special moment in development (child psychiatrists Theodore Shapiro and Richard Perry first described this in 1976 in an article titled "Latency Revisited: The Age of Seven, Plus or Minus One"). It's been called the "Age of Reason," since these children have a newly internalized sense of right and wrong. They are no longer focused simply on not getting caught or displeasing adults. They have made up their minds about what is right or wrong, identifying with their primary caregivers' expressed values and applying them quite rigidly.
Many cultures throughout history have observed this growth spurt by raising expectations and offering new privileges. In Medieval times, court apprenticeships began at 7; so too did apprenticeships at the time of the Guilds, and in English Common Law, children under 7 were not considered responsible for their behavior. The Catholic Church offers first Communion at about age 7; it's also when formal schooling begins in most societies.
At 7 "plus or minus one," your child begins to problem-solve in a new way, using reason rather than pure intuition. He can separate fantasy from reality; and so can be expected to know and tell the truth. Four and 5 year olds don't really "lie"; they adapt the "truth" so that it works for them in a given situation. Anything else makes no sense to them; just as "sharing" makes no sense to 2 year olds. Remember, they also assume that Grandma can see the new toy they are showing her over the phone.
At about 7, fears are no longer of monsters, but of real people, and most of all of not being liked, being different, and risking loneliness. Pride and shame are real now too. Real, rather than simply imagined achievement, enhances self-esteem. Oddly enough, I seem to remember the moment before I crossed over that line. In kindergarten, I was in awe of the older kids who were "Safety Patrols." They wore arm badges, in the school colors, marking their special status. At 5, I thought nothing more was needed to be so privileged than a badge. So I made one myself. The jig was quickly up when my parents recognized my "handiwork." Fortunately, they saved me from embarrassment in school. The badge was set aside for pretend play at home. A year or two later, even the private memory of all that was embarrassing. And incidentally, when I did become a patrol, the magic of the status had vanished — transformed into the merely mundane, since by then, despite myself, I had crossed over into the age of reason.
Once that happens, children are able to compromise, accept differences in status, and therefore make and maintain friendships. Many can even lose a game without mortification, and can respect the rules of the game. They can say, "I am sorry" and mean it, further solidifying friendships.
What's behind this transformation of wishful thinkers into relatively grounded 7 and 8 year olds? These days, most experts credit biology. Rapid changes in brain anatomy, physiology and chemistry are the underpinnings of a growing clarity about what is real. Your child also recognizes that thoughts are not the same thing as actions, so she is less likely to punish herself for "mean thoughts" alone. Biology has moved her from an egocentric outlook to a sense of her place in a larger world. Celebrating Earth Day now makes more sense, for example.
In addition to the leap in reasonableness, your child has an increased ability to focus and concentrate; and it all adds up to readiness for formal schooling. He is capable of classifying and ordering, and has a more realistic sense of cause and effect. Doing well in the real world becomes vital to his self-esteem; a homemade patrol badge won't do it. Actual sports and school achievement are important goals; and therefore, serious academic troubles or lack of age-appropriate physical skills can shake confidence.
It is interesting that in this so-called reasonable and quiet period of development (age 7 to 11), there are more referrals to child therapists than at any other age. Why? Children are not more typically troubled during this phase. The gap between a child's functioning and her parents'/teachers' reasonable expectations for greater self-control and capacity to concentrate may lead to the therapist's door. And because this is a far more pliable age than toddlerhood or adolescence, on-target intervention can go a long way. That does not mean that one bad day or power struggle should send you hurrying to a therapist. But if your child's overall pattern of mental, moral, and interpersonal performance is not in line with the realistic expectations for her age outlined here, find out why and offer whatever remediation is needed.
Around the time of her 7th birthday, your child's conscience emerges to help guide her actions.
Few parents would argue with the observation that children age 6 and younger do not have great control over their feelings and impulses. Nor is your very young child likely to take genuine responsibility for her actions, or heed adults' urging to be considerate of others. When she does the right thing, she is more likely responding to your expectations and demands than exercising her own conscience.
We grown-ups often become impatient with the seeming selfishness of little ones who don't share. But to them, it doesn't make sense that anyone would ask something so outrageous. If they comply, it is to the letter, not the spirit, of the sharing rule. One 3 year old, under great pressure to share a toy with his younger brother, finally handed it over — and then took it back in a flash, saying "Now you share!"
Yes, your baby shows early signs of empathy when she cries because another baby is crying, or when, as a toddler, she brings her wailing playmate to you for consolation. But those situations do not require a sacrifice of self-interest or a belief in doing "the right thing." It is not until the age of 7, give or take a year or so, that your child's conscience begins to mature enough to guide her actions. In fact, there is typically a marked surge in moral and mental maturity at that special moment in development (child psychiatrists Theodore Shapiro and Richard Perry first described this in 1976 in an article titled "Latency Revisited: The Age of Seven, Plus or Minus One"). It's been called the "Age of Reason," since these children have a newly internalized sense of right and wrong. They are no longer focused simply on not getting caught or displeasing adults. They have made up their minds about what is right or wrong, identifying with their primary caregivers' expressed values and applying them quite rigidly.
Many cultures throughout history have observed this growth spurt by raising expectations and offering new privileges. In Medieval times, court apprenticeships began at 7; so too did apprenticeships at the time of the Guilds, and in English Common Law, children under 7 were not considered responsible for their behavior. The Catholic Church offers first Communion at about age 7; it's also when formal schooling begins in most societies.
At 7 "plus or minus one," your child begins to problem-solve in a new way, using reason rather than pure intuition. He can separate fantasy from reality; and so can be expected to know and tell the truth. Four and 5 year olds don't really "lie"; they adapt the "truth" so that it works for them in a given situation. Anything else makes no sense to them; just as "sharing" makes no sense to 2 year olds. Remember, they also assume that Grandma can see the new toy they are showing her over the phone.
At about 7, fears are no longer of monsters, but of real people, and most of all of not being liked, being different, and risking loneliness. Pride and shame are real now too. Real, rather than simply imagined achievement, enhances self-esteem. Oddly enough, I seem to remember the moment before I crossed over that line. In kindergarten, I was in awe of the older kids who were "Safety Patrols." They wore arm badges, in the school colors, marking their special status. At 5, I thought nothing more was needed to be so privileged than a badge. So I made one myself. The jig was quickly up when my parents recognized my "handiwork." Fortunately, they saved me from embarrassment in school. The badge was set aside for pretend play at home. A year or two later, even the private memory of all that was embarrassing. And incidentally, when I did become a patrol, the magic of the status had vanished — transformed into the merely mundane, since by then, despite myself, I had crossed over into the age of reason.
Once that happens, children are able to compromise, accept differences in status, and therefore make and maintain friendships. Many can even lose a game without mortification, and can respect the rules of the game. They can say, "I am sorry" and mean it, further solidifying friendships.
What's behind this transformation of wishful thinkers into relatively grounded 7 and 8 year olds? These days, most experts credit biology. Rapid changes in brain anatomy, physiology and chemistry are the underpinnings of a growing clarity about what is real. Your child also recognizes that thoughts are not the same thing as actions, so she is less likely to punish herself for "mean thoughts" alone. Biology has moved her from an egocentric outlook to a sense of her place in a larger world. Celebrating Earth Day now makes more sense, for example.
In addition to the leap in reasonableness, your child has an increased ability to focus and concentrate; and it all adds up to readiness for formal schooling. He is capable of classifying and ordering, and has a more realistic sense of cause and effect. Doing well in the real world becomes vital to his self-esteem; a homemade patrol badge won't do it. Actual sports and school achievement are important goals; and therefore, serious academic troubles or lack of age-appropriate physical skills can shake confidence.
It is interesting that in this so-called reasonable and quiet period of development (age 7 to 11), there are more referrals to child therapists than at any other age. Why? Children are not more typically troubled during this phase. The gap between a child's functioning and her parents'/teachers' reasonable expectations for greater self-control and capacity to concentrate may lead to the therapist's door. And because this is a far more pliable age than toddlerhood or adolescence, on-target intervention can go a long way. That does not mean that one bad day or power struggle should send you hurrying to a therapist. But if your child's overall pattern of mental, moral, and interpersonal performance is not in line with the realistic expectations for her age outlined here, find out why and offer whatever remediation is needed.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Your Not Old Enough!
What can parents do when a child isn’t old enough to do
many of the things other children do? This is an especially difficult
situation if the child has older brothers or sisters who
are allowed privileges the younger child is denied.For example,
many young children want to go outside without supervision. They may
even run away from home or slip out when parents aren’t looking. Naturally, if this happens, parents are going to be upset and worried, perhaps angry.
What to do? Be honest with your child about your feelings, but try,
also, to let him know you understand his feelings.“You wanted to go out by
yourself like the big kids. You got mad when I wouldn’t let you. So you went anyway. I understand how you feel, but I can’t let you go out alone. I get very worried and upset that something might happen to you.”
It’s hard for children to understand that they will be allowed
more privileges as they get older. In the meantime, parents can take
some comfort in the fact that this situation won’t last forever. ❏
many of the things other children do? This is an especially difficult
situation if the child has older brothers or sisters who
are allowed privileges the younger child is denied.For example,
many young children want to go outside without supervision. They may
even run away from home or slip out when parents aren’t looking. Naturally, if this happens, parents are going to be upset and worried, perhaps angry.
What to do? Be honest with your child about your feelings, but try,
also, to let him know you understand his feelings.“You wanted to go out by
yourself like the big kids. You got mad when I wouldn’t let you. So you went anyway. I understand how you feel, but I can’t let you go out alone. I get very worried and upset that something might happen to you.”
It’s hard for children to understand that they will be allowed
more privileges as they get older. In the meantime, parents can take
some comfort in the fact that this situation won’t last forever. ❏
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Parent-Teacher Partnership
The Parent-Teacher Partnership
The experts have been polled and the results are in: a positive parent-teacher relationship contributes to your child's school success. "Easier said than done," you may be thinking. After all, there are teachers your child will love and teachers your child may not. There are teachers you'll like and dislike as well. There are teachers who may adore your child, and those who just don't understand him. But whatever the case, your child's teacher is the second most important person in your child's life (after her parents, of course). And you can help make their relationship a strong and rewarding one.
"A positive parent-teacher relationship helps your child feel good about school and be successful in school," advises Diane Levin, Ph.D., professor of education at Wheelock College. "It demonstrates to your child that he can trust his teacher, because you do. This positive relationship makes a child feel like the important people in his life are working together."
Communicating well is a key factor for making this relationship work. "Communication on both sides is extremely important," notes teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. "The parents need information about what and how their child is learning, and the teacher needs important feedback from the parent about the child's academic and social development."
But communicating effectively with a busy teacher, who may have up to 30 kids in a class, can be challenging. When's the right time to talk — and when isn't? How can you get her attention? What should you bring up with her with and what should be left alone? How do you create a relationship with someone you may only see a few times a year? And how do you do this without coming across like an overanxious pain in the you-know-what?
Try these strategies to build a positive relationship with your child's teacher.
Approach this relationship with respect. Treat the teacher-parent-child relationship the way you would any really important one in your life. Create a problem-solving partnership, instead of confronting a teacher immediately with what's wrong. "Meet with a teacher to brainstorm and collaborate ways to help your child, instead of delivering a lecture," recommends Susan Becker, M. Ed.
Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher. "This is one of the first relationships with an adult your child may have outside the family unit. If you take a back seat and let the relationship develop without much interference, a special bond may develop," advises guidance counselor Linda Lendman. "For young children, the teacher-child relationship is a love relationship," adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D. "In fact, it may be their first love relationship after their parents and it can be pretty powerful and wonderful."
Try not to brag. Of course you think your child is brilliant, but bragging over her many accomplishments may send a message to the teacher that you think he may not be good enough to teach your child. "You don't need to sell your child to the teacher," notes Michael Thompson Ph.D., "you have to trust that your teacher will come to know what's important herself. Telling a teacher that your child loves to read will thrill the teacher. But challenging your teacher with statements like 'Susie read 70 books over the summer' or 'Matthew is a whiz at math,' may backfire."
Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers. Your experience at school is likely to affect your attitude toward your child's teacher. "It's important to leave your own baggage at the door, so you can talk about your child with the teacher (and not about you!)" adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Our experts (all teachers, school social workers or school psychologists themselves) report on ways to approach teachers that will get their attention, and the ways that won't.
Find the right time to speak to the teacher. Always ask the teacher if she has time to talk at that moment, or better yet, when it might be convenient for her to do so. If a conference is not coming up soon, ask if you can make an appointment for a brief conversation. "Don't expect to have an extended conversation during drop-off and pick-up," advises teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. "Mornings and after school can actually be quite hectic times. The teacher may appear free but she's not."
Write short, effective notes. If you want a quick response, keep your correspondence brief. Nobody (particularly teachers) has time to read more than one page, and a short paragraph will probably get the fastest response. Be specific about the issue and ask for guidance. For example, you might say, "Lucy's been having trouble with the math homework recently. She struggled for 30 minutes and then we stopped. Can we speak on the phone for a few minutes at your convenience about how to help?"
Make sure your message gets to the teacher. Handwritten notes, leaving occasional messages on teachers' voicemail or sending emails (if allowed by school policy) are effective ways to communicate. Sometimes mailing a note to the school can be the most reliable way to get information through, for parents who do not take their kids to school. But don't be upset if you don't get an immediate response. If you don't hear back after a few days, make sure your teacher got your communication, particularly if you sent it via your child.
Come prepared to conferences. Make a list in advance of what you want to discuss. Let the teacher know you have some questions and be specific: give concrete details that paint an objective picture of a problem. Instead of sweeping comments like "Denzel is having a terrible year," offer tangible data, like "at least three days a week, Denzel melts down while trying to do his math homework. He says 'I don't understand' and 'I'm stupid.'" This way you can collaborate with the teacher on solutions.
Discuss what matters most. Your teacher wants to know about how best to teach your child, so share what your child loves to learn about as well as any struggles he may have. This way, you can look at the whole picture of your child together. "Instead of focusing just on grades, focus on what your child loves, how he learns, and what he struggles with. Think of specifics you can offer the teacher to help her teach your child and listen to what he has to say," advises Michael Thompson, Ph.D. "If you have a report card to review, use it to brainstorm together how you can both support your child's learning, instead of dissecting each grade. Ask how your child functions in the classroom as a person. Does he make friends? How does he resolve conflicts?"
Supply data. Teachers will find comments from previous teachers useful, and giving this data is a non-threatening way to address issues. You might say, "Last year, Johnny's teacher noted he was struggling with attention issues. He was tested and this is how we are handling it." Or you might explain, "Betsy was put in a special reading group last year by Mr. Miller because he evaluated her and thought she needed more advanced books."
Accept your differences with your teacher. Recognize that your teacher may have a different style from you, but that doesn't make her a bad teacher. "Some teachers will be older and seasoned veterans, others will be younger and more idealistic. There are lots of differences in styles of communication and educational philosophy. You will need to really listen to your child's teacher to get a sense of who he is," notes Dalton Miller-Jones, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Portland State University and an advisor to the Portland School district.
Ask what you can do to help. When discussing a problem your child may have, ask your teacher for specific ways you can help at home. Ask her to define what your role should be in the problem-solving partnership, making sure the teacher, parent, and child all play important roles.
"The teacher may have up to 30 kids in her class, and you may have only two or three at home. So don't expect her to know your child as well as you do, but respect what your teacher knows, as she sees your child function in ways you rarely will. The relationships are not equal, but each of you has something important to contribute to a picture of 'the whole child.'"
Linda Lendman, M. S.W.
Guidance Counselor, Family Coordinator
Rand School Montclair, NJ
The experts have been polled and the results are in: a positive parent-teacher relationship contributes to your child's school success. "Easier said than done," you may be thinking. After all, there are teachers your child will love and teachers your child may not. There are teachers you'll like and dislike as well. There are teachers who may adore your child, and those who just don't understand him. But whatever the case, your child's teacher is the second most important person in your child's life (after her parents, of course). And you can help make their relationship a strong and rewarding one.
"A positive parent-teacher relationship helps your child feel good about school and be successful in school," advises Diane Levin, Ph.D., professor of education at Wheelock College. "It demonstrates to your child that he can trust his teacher, because you do. This positive relationship makes a child feel like the important people in his life are working together."
Communicating well is a key factor for making this relationship work. "Communication on both sides is extremely important," notes teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. "The parents need information about what and how their child is learning, and the teacher needs important feedback from the parent about the child's academic and social development."
But communicating effectively with a busy teacher, who may have up to 30 kids in a class, can be challenging. When's the right time to talk — and when isn't? How can you get her attention? What should you bring up with her with and what should be left alone? How do you create a relationship with someone you may only see a few times a year? And how do you do this without coming across like an overanxious pain in the you-know-what?
Try these strategies to build a positive relationship with your child's teacher.
Approach this relationship with respect. Treat the teacher-parent-child relationship the way you would any really important one in your life. Create a problem-solving partnership, instead of confronting a teacher immediately with what's wrong. "Meet with a teacher to brainstorm and collaborate ways to help your child, instead of delivering a lecture," recommends Susan Becker, M. Ed.
Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher. "This is one of the first relationships with an adult your child may have outside the family unit. If you take a back seat and let the relationship develop without much interference, a special bond may develop," advises guidance counselor Linda Lendman. "For young children, the teacher-child relationship is a love relationship," adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D. "In fact, it may be their first love relationship after their parents and it can be pretty powerful and wonderful."
Try not to brag. Of course you think your child is brilliant, but bragging over her many accomplishments may send a message to the teacher that you think he may not be good enough to teach your child. "You don't need to sell your child to the teacher," notes Michael Thompson Ph.D., "you have to trust that your teacher will come to know what's important herself. Telling a teacher that your child loves to read will thrill the teacher. But challenging your teacher with statements like 'Susie read 70 books over the summer' or 'Matthew is a whiz at math,' may backfire."
Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers. Your experience at school is likely to affect your attitude toward your child's teacher. "It's important to leave your own baggage at the door, so you can talk about your child with the teacher (and not about you!)" adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Our experts (all teachers, school social workers or school psychologists themselves) report on ways to approach teachers that will get their attention, and the ways that won't.
Find the right time to speak to the teacher. Always ask the teacher if she has time to talk at that moment, or better yet, when it might be convenient for her to do so. If a conference is not coming up soon, ask if you can make an appointment for a brief conversation. "Don't expect to have an extended conversation during drop-off and pick-up," advises teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. "Mornings and after school can actually be quite hectic times. The teacher may appear free but she's not."
Write short, effective notes. If you want a quick response, keep your correspondence brief. Nobody (particularly teachers) has time to read more than one page, and a short paragraph will probably get the fastest response. Be specific about the issue and ask for guidance. For example, you might say, "Lucy's been having trouble with the math homework recently. She struggled for 30 minutes and then we stopped. Can we speak on the phone for a few minutes at your convenience about how to help?"
Make sure your message gets to the teacher. Handwritten notes, leaving occasional messages on teachers' voicemail or sending emails (if allowed by school policy) are effective ways to communicate. Sometimes mailing a note to the school can be the most reliable way to get information through, for parents who do not take their kids to school. But don't be upset if you don't get an immediate response. If you don't hear back after a few days, make sure your teacher got your communication, particularly if you sent it via your child.
Come prepared to conferences. Make a list in advance of what you want to discuss. Let the teacher know you have some questions and be specific: give concrete details that paint an objective picture of a problem. Instead of sweeping comments like "Denzel is having a terrible year," offer tangible data, like "at least three days a week, Denzel melts down while trying to do his math homework. He says 'I don't understand' and 'I'm stupid.'" This way you can collaborate with the teacher on solutions.
Discuss what matters most. Your teacher wants to know about how best to teach your child, so share what your child loves to learn about as well as any struggles he may have. This way, you can look at the whole picture of your child together. "Instead of focusing just on grades, focus on what your child loves, how he learns, and what he struggles with. Think of specifics you can offer the teacher to help her teach your child and listen to what he has to say," advises Michael Thompson, Ph.D. "If you have a report card to review, use it to brainstorm together how you can both support your child's learning, instead of dissecting each grade. Ask how your child functions in the classroom as a person. Does he make friends? How does he resolve conflicts?"
Supply data. Teachers will find comments from previous teachers useful, and giving this data is a non-threatening way to address issues. You might say, "Last year, Johnny's teacher noted he was struggling with attention issues. He was tested and this is how we are handling it." Or you might explain, "Betsy was put in a special reading group last year by Mr. Miller because he evaluated her and thought she needed more advanced books."
Accept your differences with your teacher. Recognize that your teacher may have a different style from you, but that doesn't make her a bad teacher. "Some teachers will be older and seasoned veterans, others will be younger and more idealistic. There are lots of differences in styles of communication and educational philosophy. You will need to really listen to your child's teacher to get a sense of who he is," notes Dalton Miller-Jones, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Portland State University and an advisor to the Portland School district.
Ask what you can do to help. When discussing a problem your child may have, ask your teacher for specific ways you can help at home. Ask her to define what your role should be in the problem-solving partnership, making sure the teacher, parent, and child all play important roles.
"The teacher may have up to 30 kids in her class, and you may have only two or three at home. So don't expect her to know your child as well as you do, but respect what your teacher knows, as she sees your child function in ways you rarely will. The relationships are not equal, but each of you has something important to contribute to a picture of 'the whole child.'"
Linda Lendman, M. S.W.
Guidance Counselor, Family Coordinator
Rand School Montclair, NJ
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Help your child get organized
Most kids generate a little chaos and disorganization. Yours might flit from one thing to the next — forgetting books at school, leaving towels on the floor, and failing to finish projects once started. You'd like them to be more organized and to stay focused on tasks, such as homework. Is it possible?
Yes, it is. A few kids seem naturally organized, but for the rest, organization is a skill learned over time. With help and some practice, kids can develop an effective approach to getting stuff done. And you're the perfect person to teach your child, even if you don't feel all that organized yourself!
Easy as 1-2-3
For kids, all tasks can be broken down into a 1-2-3 process.
1. Getting organized means a kid gets where he or she needs to be and gathers the supplies needed to complete the task.
2.Staying focused means sticking with the task and learning to say "no" to distractions.
3.Getting it done means finishing up, checking your work, and putting on the finishing touches, like remembering to put a homework paper in the right folder and putting the folder inside the backpack so it's ready for the next day.
Once kids know these steps — and how to apply them — they can start tackling tasks more independently. That means homework, chores, and other tasks will get done with increasing consistency and efficiency. Of course, kids will still need parental help and guidance, but you probably won't have to nag as much.
Not only is it practical to teach these skills, but knowing how to get stuff done will help your child feel more competent and effective. Kids feel self-confident and proud when they're able to accomplish their tasks and responsibilities. They're also sure to be pleased when they find they have some extra free time to do what they'd like to do
From Teeth Brushing to Book Reports
To get started, introduce the 1-2-3 method and help your child practice it in daily life. Even something as simple as brushing teeth requires this approach, so you might use this example when introducing the concept:
Getting organized: Go to the bathroom and get out your toothbrush and toothpaste. Turn on the water.
Staying focused: Dentists say to brush for 3 minutes, so that means keep brushing, even if you hear a really good song on the radio or you remember that you wanted to call your friend. Concentrate and remember what the dentist told you about brushing away from your gums.
Getting it done: If you do steps 1 and 2, step 3 almost takes care of itself. Hurray, your 3 minutes are up and your teeth are clean! Getting it done means finishing up and putting on the finishing touches. With teeth brushing, that would be stuff like turning off the water, putting away the toothbrush and paste, and making sure there's no toothpaste foam on your face!
With a more complex task, like completing a book report, the steps would become more involved, but the basic elements remain the same.
Here's how you might walk your child through the steps:
1. Getting Organized:
Explain that this step is all about getting ready. It's about figuring out what kids need to do and gathering any necessary items.For instance: "So you have a book report to write. What do you need to do to get started?" Help your child make a list of things like: Choose a book. Make sure the book is OK with the teacher. Write down the book and the author's name. Check the book out of the library. Mark the due date on a calendar.
Then help your child think of the supplies needed: The book, some note cards, a pen for taking notes, the teacher's list of questions to answer, and a report cover. Have your child gather the supplies where the work will take place.
As the project progresses, show your child how to use the list to check off what's already done and get ready for what's next. Demonstrate how to add to the list, too. Coach your child to think, "OK, I did these things. Now, what's next? Oh yeah, start reading the book" and to add things to the list like finish the book, read over my teacher's directions, start writing the report.
2. Staying Focused:
Explain that this part is about doing it and sticking with the job. Tell kids this means doing what you're supposed to do, following what's on the list, and sticking with it.
It also means focusing when there's something else your child would rather be doing — the hardest part of all! Help kids learn how to handle and resist these inevitable temptations. While working on the report, a competing idea might pop into your child's head: "I feel like shooting some hoops now." Teach kids to challenge that impulse by asking themselves "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?"
Explain that a tiny break to stretch a little and then get right back to the task at hand is OK. Then kids can make a plan to shoot hoops after the work is done. Let them know that staying focused is tough sometimes, but it gets easier with practice.
3. Getting it Done:
Explain that this is the part when kids will be finishing up the job. Talk about things like copying work neatly and asking a parent to read it over to help find any mistakes. Coach your child to take those important final steps: putting his or her name on the report, placing it in a report cover, putting the report in the correct school folder, and putting the folder in the backpack so it's ready to be turned in.
How to Start
Here are some tips on how to begin teaching the 1-2-3 process:
Introduce the Idea
Start the conversation by using the examples above and show your child the kids' article Organize, Focus, Get It Done. Read it together and ask for reactions. Will it be easy or hard? Is he or she already doing some of it? Is there something he or she would like to get better at?
Go for Some Buy-In
Brainstorm about what might be easier or better if your child was more organized and focused. Maybe homework would get done faster, there would be more play time, and there would be less nagging about chores. Then there's the added bonus of your child feeling proud and you being proud, too.
Set Expectations
Be clear, in a kind way, that you expect your kids to work on these skills and that you'll be there to help along the way.
Make a Plan
Decide on one thing to focus on first. You can come up with three things and let your child choose one. Or if homework or a particular chore has been a problem, that's the natural place to begin.
Get Comfortable in Your Role
For the best results, you'll want to be a low-key coach. You can ask questions that will help kids get on track and stay there. But use these questions to prompt their thought process about what needs to be done. Praise progress, but don't go overboard. The self-satisfaction kids will feel will be a more powerful motivator. Also, be sure to ask your child's opinion of how things are going so far.
Things to Remember
It will take time to teach kids how to break down tasks into steps. It also will take time for them to learn how to apply these skills to what needs to be done. Sometimes, it will seem simpler just to do it for them. It certainly would take less time. But the trouble is that kids don't learn how to be independent and successful if their parents swoop in every time a situation is challenging or complex.
Yes, it is. A few kids seem naturally organized, but for the rest, organization is a skill learned over time. With help and some practice, kids can develop an effective approach to getting stuff done. And you're the perfect person to teach your child, even if you don't feel all that organized yourself!
Easy as 1-2-3
For kids, all tasks can be broken down into a 1-2-3 process.
1. Getting organized means a kid gets where he or she needs to be and gathers the supplies needed to complete the task.
2.Staying focused means sticking with the task and learning to say "no" to distractions.
3.Getting it done means finishing up, checking your work, and putting on the finishing touches, like remembering to put a homework paper in the right folder and putting the folder inside the backpack so it's ready for the next day.
Once kids know these steps — and how to apply them — they can start tackling tasks more independently. That means homework, chores, and other tasks will get done with increasing consistency and efficiency. Of course, kids will still need parental help and guidance, but you probably won't have to nag as much.
Not only is it practical to teach these skills, but knowing how to get stuff done will help your child feel more competent and effective. Kids feel self-confident and proud when they're able to accomplish their tasks and responsibilities. They're also sure to be pleased when they find they have some extra free time to do what they'd like to do
From Teeth Brushing to Book Reports
To get started, introduce the 1-2-3 method and help your child practice it in daily life. Even something as simple as brushing teeth requires this approach, so you might use this example when introducing the concept:
Getting organized: Go to the bathroom and get out your toothbrush and toothpaste. Turn on the water.
Staying focused: Dentists say to brush for 3 minutes, so that means keep brushing, even if you hear a really good song on the radio or you remember that you wanted to call your friend. Concentrate and remember what the dentist told you about brushing away from your gums.
Getting it done: If you do steps 1 and 2, step 3 almost takes care of itself. Hurray, your 3 minutes are up and your teeth are clean! Getting it done means finishing up and putting on the finishing touches. With teeth brushing, that would be stuff like turning off the water, putting away the toothbrush and paste, and making sure there's no toothpaste foam on your face!
With a more complex task, like completing a book report, the steps would become more involved, but the basic elements remain the same.
Here's how you might walk your child through the steps:
1. Getting Organized:
Explain that this step is all about getting ready. It's about figuring out what kids need to do and gathering any necessary items.For instance: "So you have a book report to write. What do you need to do to get started?" Help your child make a list of things like: Choose a book. Make sure the book is OK with the teacher. Write down the book and the author's name. Check the book out of the library. Mark the due date on a calendar.
Then help your child think of the supplies needed: The book, some note cards, a pen for taking notes, the teacher's list of questions to answer, and a report cover. Have your child gather the supplies where the work will take place.
As the project progresses, show your child how to use the list to check off what's already done and get ready for what's next. Demonstrate how to add to the list, too. Coach your child to think, "OK, I did these things. Now, what's next? Oh yeah, start reading the book" and to add things to the list like finish the book, read over my teacher's directions, start writing the report.
2. Staying Focused:
Explain that this part is about doing it and sticking with the job. Tell kids this means doing what you're supposed to do, following what's on the list, and sticking with it.
It also means focusing when there's something else your child would rather be doing — the hardest part of all! Help kids learn how to handle and resist these inevitable temptations. While working on the report, a competing idea might pop into your child's head: "I feel like shooting some hoops now." Teach kids to challenge that impulse by asking themselves "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?"
Explain that a tiny break to stretch a little and then get right back to the task at hand is OK. Then kids can make a plan to shoot hoops after the work is done. Let them know that staying focused is tough sometimes, but it gets easier with practice.
3. Getting it Done:
Explain that this is the part when kids will be finishing up the job. Talk about things like copying work neatly and asking a parent to read it over to help find any mistakes. Coach your child to take those important final steps: putting his or her name on the report, placing it in a report cover, putting the report in the correct school folder, and putting the folder in the backpack so it's ready to be turned in.
How to Start
Here are some tips on how to begin teaching the 1-2-3 process:
Introduce the Idea
Start the conversation by using the examples above and show your child the kids' article Organize, Focus, Get It Done. Read it together and ask for reactions. Will it be easy or hard? Is he or she already doing some of it? Is there something he or she would like to get better at?
Go for Some Buy-In
Brainstorm about what might be easier or better if your child was more organized and focused. Maybe homework would get done faster, there would be more play time, and there would be less nagging about chores. Then there's the added bonus of your child feeling proud and you being proud, too.
Set Expectations
Be clear, in a kind way, that you expect your kids to work on these skills and that you'll be there to help along the way.
Make a Plan
Decide on one thing to focus on first. You can come up with three things and let your child choose one. Or if homework or a particular chore has been a problem, that's the natural place to begin.
Get Comfortable in Your Role
For the best results, you'll want to be a low-key coach. You can ask questions that will help kids get on track and stay there. But use these questions to prompt their thought process about what needs to be done. Praise progress, but don't go overboard. The self-satisfaction kids will feel will be a more powerful motivator. Also, be sure to ask your child's opinion of how things are going so far.
Things to Remember
It will take time to teach kids how to break down tasks into steps. It also will take time for them to learn how to apply these skills to what needs to be done. Sometimes, it will seem simpler just to do it for them. It certainly would take less time. But the trouble is that kids don't learn how to be independent and successful if their parents swoop in every time a situation is challenging or complex.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
YOUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM:
ARE YOU HELPING OR HURTING?
What does it take to raise competent, good‐natured children who can feel a
healthy respect for themselves? Research has shown over and over that good parenting involves two basic components. One will not surprise you, but the other one may catch you off guard.
We are very aware today that children are born with different personalities and temperaments that are not created by their parents. Nevertheless, parents do make a big difference, and here in the United States we need to get back on track regarding what children’s self‐esteem is really all about.
What are the two parenting ingredients that make for good self‐esteem? First, good parents are warm and sensitive to a child’s needs. They understand their child’s positive as well as negative feelings. They are
comforting in times of crisis and pain, as well as appreciative in times of triumph and accomplishment. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage his or her growing independence.” That’s no big news flash.
GOOD PARENTS ARE ALSO DEMANDING
What we often overlook, though, is that good parents are also demanding. They clearly communicate high―but not unrealistic―expectations for their children’s behavior. Good behavior and achievements are appreciated and reinforced when they occur. When the kids act up, on the other hand, Mom and Dad respond with firm limits, but not with fits of temper or righteous indignation. After a child makes a mistake, the parents’ message is, ‘I’m sure you’ll do better next time.’” Parents whose child‐rearing philosophy involves both warmth and “demandingness” tend to produce competent children. There are of course no guarantees, but their kids will have a better chance of becoming more self‐reliant, self‐controlled and happier.
They will have a better chance of being accepted and well liked by their peers, and of having a sense of belonging.
Sometimes, though, parents have blinders on. We’re so busy, we don’t have time―or take the time―to do some of the things that will really foster self‐esteem. Such as what? Such as helping our children develop social skills and academic and physical competence.Your kids’ selfesteem is ultimately going to be earned or not earned in the real world―not in a fantasy world.
KIDS DO BETTER WHEN THEY LEARN BOUNDARIES
The demanding part of the parenting equation implies not only that parents ask more of their kids, but also that parents ask more of themselves. We often follow the misguided belief that self‐esteem and creativity are both higher when children can ‘do their own thing’ and when they are not exposed to external limits imposed by adults. On the contrary, kids feel better about themselves and perform better, creatively and otherwise, when they learn the boundaries for reasonable behavior. The world has all kinds of limits and rules, and parents are the ones who introduce children to life’s boundaries. “How parents establish rules and set limits―or fail to set limits―has a tremendous effect on the self‐esteem of a child. Your kids may not like all the rules and regulations you must teach them, but if they don’t recognize and work within these constraints, they will get hurt badly.
However, not all self‐esteem building strategies involve unpleasant or hard work. One of the best “tactics” for encouraging healthy self‐respect in children is fun. We need to take time with our kids. Keep in mind that one‐on‐one time having fun together is one of the most potent self‐esteem builders. That’s one parent with one child. Kids really like having a parent all to themselves.
ELEMENTS OF HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM
Healthy self‐esteem is based on four elements:
1. Good relationships with other people
2. Competence in work and self‐management
3. Physical skills and caring for one’s body
4. Character: courage, effort, following the rules
and concern for others
ARE YOU HELPING OR HURTING?
What does it take to raise competent, good‐natured children who can feel a
healthy respect for themselves? Research has shown over and over that good parenting involves two basic components. One will not surprise you, but the other one may catch you off guard.
We are very aware today that children are born with different personalities and temperaments that are not created by their parents. Nevertheless, parents do make a big difference, and here in the United States we need to get back on track regarding what children’s self‐esteem is really all about.
What are the two parenting ingredients that make for good self‐esteem? First, good parents are warm and sensitive to a child’s needs. They understand their child’s positive as well as negative feelings. They are
comforting in times of crisis and pain, as well as appreciative in times of triumph and accomplishment. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage his or her growing independence.” That’s no big news flash.
GOOD PARENTS ARE ALSO DEMANDING
What we often overlook, though, is that good parents are also demanding. They clearly communicate high―but not unrealistic―expectations for their children’s behavior. Good behavior and achievements are appreciated and reinforced when they occur. When the kids act up, on the other hand, Mom and Dad respond with firm limits, but not with fits of temper or righteous indignation. After a child makes a mistake, the parents’ message is, ‘I’m sure you’ll do better next time.’” Parents whose child‐rearing philosophy involves both warmth and “demandingness” tend to produce competent children. There are of course no guarantees, but their kids will have a better chance of becoming more self‐reliant, self‐controlled and happier.
They will have a better chance of being accepted and well liked by their peers, and of having a sense of belonging.
Sometimes, though, parents have blinders on. We’re so busy, we don’t have time―or take the time―to do some of the things that will really foster self‐esteem. Such as what? Such as helping our children develop social skills and academic and physical competence.Your kids’ selfesteem is ultimately going to be earned or not earned in the real world―not in a fantasy world.
KIDS DO BETTER WHEN THEY LEARN BOUNDARIES
The demanding part of the parenting equation implies not only that parents ask more of their kids, but also that parents ask more of themselves. We often follow the misguided belief that self‐esteem and creativity are both higher when children can ‘do their own thing’ and when they are not exposed to external limits imposed by adults. On the contrary, kids feel better about themselves and perform better, creatively and otherwise, when they learn the boundaries for reasonable behavior. The world has all kinds of limits and rules, and parents are the ones who introduce children to life’s boundaries. “How parents establish rules and set limits―or fail to set limits―has a tremendous effect on the self‐esteem of a child. Your kids may not like all the rules and regulations you must teach them, but if they don’t recognize and work within these constraints, they will get hurt badly.
However, not all self‐esteem building strategies involve unpleasant or hard work. One of the best “tactics” for encouraging healthy self‐respect in children is fun. We need to take time with our kids. Keep in mind that one‐on‐one time having fun together is one of the most potent self‐esteem builders. That’s one parent with one child. Kids really like having a parent all to themselves.
ELEMENTS OF HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM
Healthy self‐esteem is based on four elements:
1. Good relationships with other people
2. Competence in work and self‐management
3. Physical skills and caring for one’s body
4. Character: courage, effort, following the rules
and concern for others
Monday, February 28, 2011
Overparenting: What's the Problem?
Overparenting refers to unnecessary corrective, cautionary or disciplinary
comments made by parents to kids.Adults who overparent usually do it
repeatedly and overparenting has predictable, negative effects on
children. The negative reaction is what we call the “Anxious Parent,
Angry Child” syndrome.Continually expressing unnecessary worries about kids to the kids irritates the youngsters because it insults them. The parent’s basic message is this: “I have to worry about you so much because you’re incompetent; there’s not much you can do on your own without my supervision and direction.” No child likes to be put down, and overparenting is definitely a put‐down.Three Reasons Why Overparenting Is Unnecessary
Overparenting comments can be unnecessary for several reasons:
1. The child already has the skill necessary to manage the situation.
2. Even if the child doesn’t have all the necessary skills to manage the situation,
it would be preferable for the youngster to learn by direct experience. When we moved in to our first house, the kids were about two and four. I’d watch them playing outside with other children, and every five minutes or so I’d see some kind of dispute that I thought needed my intervention. Then one day my wife asked me how I thought the kids survived all day while I was at work. No eyes poked out, no broken arms, no trips to the ER. That shut me up. I’d been overparenting the whole neighborhood!
3. The issue is trivial. Mike and Jimmy are out in the front yard playing catch with a baseball. Jimmy’s Dad is washing the car in the driveway while the neighbor, Mr. Smith, is cutting his grass next door. Mike misses Jimmy’s throw and the ball rolls over toward Mr. Smith, who smiles and tosses it back. Dad tells the two boys they will have go somewhere else or stop playing catch. Should Dad have kept quiet? Yes, he should have. Let the two lads work it out with Mr. Smith, if necessary. The boys were having innocent, constructive fun, and Mr. Smith probably enjoyed trying out his old pitching arm again! Want to encourage independence in your children? Be a good listener and avoid overparenting.
Parentmagic Inc.
SHARED FUN AND YOUR CHILD"S SELF ESTEEM
When you have children, you like them more if you enjoy things together on a regular basis. And during the times you’re not having fun with them, when for example you have to provide discipline, you’ll find the kids are easier to deal with because you enjoyed each other before.Shared fun boosts kids’ self‐esteem in another way. It sends a strong message that you like your children, and that they are pleasant and enjoyable to be with. Don’t forget: It’s important to like—not just love—your kids.
comments made by parents to kids.Adults who overparent usually do it
repeatedly and overparenting has predictable, negative effects on
children. The negative reaction is what we call the “Anxious Parent,
Angry Child” syndrome.Continually expressing unnecessary worries about kids to the kids irritates the youngsters because it insults them. The parent’s basic message is this: “I have to worry about you so much because you’re incompetent; there’s not much you can do on your own without my supervision and direction.” No child likes to be put down, and overparenting is definitely a put‐down.Three Reasons Why Overparenting Is Unnecessary
Overparenting comments can be unnecessary for several reasons:
1. The child already has the skill necessary to manage the situation.
2. Even if the child doesn’t have all the necessary skills to manage the situation,
it would be preferable for the youngster to learn by direct experience. When we moved in to our first house, the kids were about two and four. I’d watch them playing outside with other children, and every five minutes or so I’d see some kind of dispute that I thought needed my intervention. Then one day my wife asked me how I thought the kids survived all day while I was at work. No eyes poked out, no broken arms, no trips to the ER. That shut me up. I’d been overparenting the whole neighborhood!
3. The issue is trivial. Mike and Jimmy are out in the front yard playing catch with a baseball. Jimmy’s Dad is washing the car in the driveway while the neighbor, Mr. Smith, is cutting his grass next door. Mike misses Jimmy’s throw and the ball rolls over toward Mr. Smith, who smiles and tosses it back. Dad tells the two boys they will have go somewhere else or stop playing catch. Should Dad have kept quiet? Yes, he should have. Let the two lads work it out with Mr. Smith, if necessary. The boys were having innocent, constructive fun, and Mr. Smith probably enjoyed trying out his old pitching arm again! Want to encourage independence in your children? Be a good listener and avoid overparenting.
Parentmagic Inc.
SHARED FUN AND YOUR CHILD"S SELF ESTEEM
When you have children, you like them more if you enjoy things together on a regular basis. And during the times you’re not having fun with them, when for example you have to provide discipline, you’ll find the kids are easier to deal with because you enjoyed each other before.Shared fun boosts kids’ self‐esteem in another way. It sends a strong message that you like your children, and that they are pleasant and enjoyable to be with. Don’t forget: It’s important to like—not just love—your kids.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Wonderful, Powerful Routines
DO KIDS REALLY WANT LIMITS?
This idea that children really want limits isn’t completely
true. It is true, of course, that in the long run youngsters are
more comfortable in a house where parents have clear,
reasonable rules and enforce them consistently and fairly.
Under these circumstances the kids are better off whether
or not they realize the connection between their parents’
behavior and their own well being. In such a home, in
addition to feeling cozy, warm and comfortable, children are
also developing the critical skill of frustration tolerance.
Frustration tolerance is the ability to put up with discomfort
or pain now in order to achieve some more important future objective. It’s a beautiful evening and I would like to trash this math homework, but I’d also like to get at least a B in the course. I’d like to slug my brother, but I don’t want to upset my mother and be grounded. I’d like another piece of lemon meringue pie, but I don’t want to get fat.
Successful adults learned high frustration tolerance (HFT) when they were kids. Many unsuccessful adults, however, still show significant amounts of low frustration tolerance (LFT). They can’t wait, so they run the yellow light. They purchase three new, unnecessary DVDs when their credit card is already overloaded. They watch the new show on TV instead of going to the gym to workout. LFT may be one of the fastest routes to failure as an adult.
CHILDREN WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT
Kids are just kids, so naturally they start out at the LFT point. At any one moment, children want what they want, and they can be angry and disappointed if they don’t get it. Kids do not welcome or enjoy adult‐imposed limits. As a result, youngsters’ frustration frequently
leads to trouble with parents in the form of testing and manipulation.
But learning to tolerate—with a little parental assistance—both limits and frustration is a normal and necessary part of growing up. Over the years, most children learn and internalize three important lessons about frustration. First of all, not getting what you want is a regular occurrence in life; you will drive yourself crazy if you overreact to
everything that goes wrong. Second, being frustrated is not the end of the world; the feeling always passes. And third, getting better and better at enduring as well as managing life’s disappointments PAYS BIG DIVIDENDS.
Keep that in mind next time you have to say “No” to your kids.
This idea that children really want limits isn’t completely
true. It is true, of course, that in the long run youngsters are
more comfortable in a house where parents have clear,
reasonable rules and enforce them consistently and fairly.
Under these circumstances the kids are better off whether
or not they realize the connection between their parents’
behavior and their own well being. In such a home, in
addition to feeling cozy, warm and comfortable, children are
also developing the critical skill of frustration tolerance.
Frustration tolerance is the ability to put up with discomfort
or pain now in order to achieve some more important future objective. It’s a beautiful evening and I would like to trash this math homework, but I’d also like to get at least a B in the course. I’d like to slug my brother, but I don’t want to upset my mother and be grounded. I’d like another piece of lemon meringue pie, but I don’t want to get fat.
Successful adults learned high frustration tolerance (HFT) when they were kids. Many unsuccessful adults, however, still show significant amounts of low frustration tolerance (LFT). They can’t wait, so they run the yellow light. They purchase three new, unnecessary DVDs when their credit card is already overloaded. They watch the new show on TV instead of going to the gym to workout. LFT may be one of the fastest routes to failure as an adult.
CHILDREN WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT
Kids are just kids, so naturally they start out at the LFT point. At any one moment, children want what they want, and they can be angry and disappointed if they don’t get it. Kids do not welcome or enjoy adult‐imposed limits. As a result, youngsters’ frustration frequently
leads to trouble with parents in the form of testing and manipulation.
But learning to tolerate—with a little parental assistance—both limits and frustration is a normal and necessary part of growing up. Over the years, most children learn and internalize three important lessons about frustration. First of all, not getting what you want is a regular occurrence in life; you will drive yourself crazy if you overreact to
everything that goes wrong. Second, being frustrated is not the end of the world; the feeling always passes. And third, getting better and better at enduring as well as managing life’s disappointments PAYS BIG DIVIDENDS.
Keep that in mind next time you have to say “No” to your kids.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Defiance; When Kids Want To Be In Control
Put Yourself in Your Child's ShoesWhen you are emotional or upset, don't you want people to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand why you're upset? But when our kids are defiant and upset, don't we often assume they are just being difficult or disrespectful, then demand they change ASAP. Instead, next time, step back. Take fifteen seconds and evaluate, "Okay, what's really going on here?" One reaction leads to meltdowns and yelling; the other solves problems and builds relationships.
Is This Really Defiance?
It's Saturday morning and after a long week at school, your son is happily playing with his Legos. You march into the living room and announce, "Jacob, we need to go to Aunt Trudy's. Right now."
"But, Mom, I'm almost done with my..."
Jacob begins the meltdown. Your anxiety and tension rise. Inside you are thinking, "Why can't we just do ANYTHING without a meltdown? Just get your coat on and let's go!" Or you may actually say that. I get it.
Here's what we're missing. If we're honest, we would admit that we don't react well when a boss or spouse walks into our cubicle/bedroom and announces a change of plans when we're in the middle of things. We're only seeing this from our point of view. It's not ALWAYS that Jacob wants to be difficult. Try this instead.
"Jacob, that is one cool Lego spaceship. Listen, we have to go to Aunt Trudy's now so here are a couple options. You can bring some Legos with you to work on OR I can help you put the spaceship on the table so the dog/little brother doesn't break it. When we get back home, we'll have two hours to finish building. Which would you rather do?"
That took an extra minute, but saved a fifteen minute meltdown and a miserable car ride. You've acknowledged what is important to Jacob, acknowledged his fear, let him know when he'd be able to play again and gave him a choice.
This is important. You didn't give him control of the whole situation. You ARE going to Aunt Trudy's, now. But you did give him a healthy sense of control, or ownership, of an area that is important to him--his Legos. He can bring some with him; put them up on the table; and you told him there would be time later to build. That's settling and respectful.
Kirk Martin
Founder, Celebrate Calm, LLC
www.CelebrateCalm.com
Is This Really Defiance?
It's Saturday morning and after a long week at school, your son is happily playing with his Legos. You march into the living room and announce, "Jacob, we need to go to Aunt Trudy's. Right now."
"But, Mom, I'm almost done with my..."
Jacob begins the meltdown. Your anxiety and tension rise. Inside you are thinking, "Why can't we just do ANYTHING without a meltdown? Just get your coat on and let's go!" Or you may actually say that. I get it.
Here's what we're missing. If we're honest, we would admit that we don't react well when a boss or spouse walks into our cubicle/bedroom and announces a change of plans when we're in the middle of things. We're only seeing this from our point of view. It's not ALWAYS that Jacob wants to be difficult. Try this instead.
"Jacob, that is one cool Lego spaceship. Listen, we have to go to Aunt Trudy's now so here are a couple options. You can bring some Legos with you to work on OR I can help you put the spaceship on the table so the dog/little brother doesn't break it. When we get back home, we'll have two hours to finish building. Which would you rather do?"
That took an extra minute, but saved a fifteen minute meltdown and a miserable car ride. You've acknowledged what is important to Jacob, acknowledged his fear, let him know when he'd be able to play again and gave him a choice.
This is important. You didn't give him control of the whole situation. You ARE going to Aunt Trudy's, now. But you did give him a healthy sense of control, or ownership, of an area that is important to him--his Legos. He can bring some with him; put them up on the table; and you told him there would be time later to build. That's settling and respectful.
Kirk Martin
Founder, Celebrate Calm, LLC
www.CelebrateCalm.com
Monday, January 10, 2011
Enjoy your kids more with this stategy.
Shared One-on-One Fun
Brace yourself for the bad news. Family togetherness is
overrated! Going out with the whole crew is not all it's
cracked up to be. One of the main reasons is sibling
rivalry. Mom and Dad are at the beach, for instance with
their six year old daughter and eight year old son. The
adults are trying to enjoy the sand, the water and the
kids' interaction. But the boy says something smart to his
sister who throws her hotdog at her brother who laughs
as it misses him and gets all full of sand. Now both kids
are screaming and everyone is looking. This isn't fun.
The solution? It's important to take your kids—one at a
time- and do something you both like. Regularly. It's
peaceful because there's no fighting and not even a
chance of fighting. That makes for real enjoyment and
genuine mutual affection. Shared one on one fun
produces strong parent child bonding and the activity
can be very simple, such as reading, going shopping, just
talking or-heaven forbid- teaching the inexperienced
parent how to play a video game.Raising children today is no easy task. If you are having
more than your share of behavioral problems with your
youngsters, just how should you go about turning things
around? Exactly where should you start? Sometimes the
simplest solutions are the most effective. The most
effective thing you can do with your youngsters to get
things going right is shared one on one fun. This
technique can help you feel more affectionate and appreciative
of the time spent with your kids.
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