Defiance; When Kids Want To Be In Control

Put Yourself in Your Child's ShoesWhen you are emotional or upset, don't you want people to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand why you're upset? But when our kids are defiant and upset, don't we often assume they are just being difficult or disrespectful, then demand they change ASAP. Instead, next time, step back. Take fifteen seconds and evaluate, "Okay, what's really going on here?" One reaction leads to meltdowns and yelling; the other solves problems and builds relationships.

Is This Really Defiance?
It's Saturday morning and after a long week at school, your son is happily playing with his Legos. You march into the living room and announce, "Jacob, we need to go to Aunt Trudy's. Right now."

"But, Mom, I'm almost done with my..."

Jacob begins the meltdown. Your anxiety and tension rise. Inside you are thinking, "Why can't we just do ANYTHING without a meltdown? Just get your coat on and let's go!" Or you may actually say that. I get it.

Here's what we're missing. If we're honest, we would admit that we don't react well when a boss or spouse walks into our cubicle/bedroom and announces a change of plans when we're in the middle of things. We're only seeing this from our point of view. It's not ALWAYS that Jacob wants to be difficult. Try this instead.

"Jacob, that is one cool Lego spaceship. Listen, we have to go to Aunt Trudy's now so here are a couple options. You can bring some Legos with you to work on OR I can help you put the spaceship on the table so the dog/little brother doesn't break it. When we get back home, we'll have two hours to finish building. Which would you rather do?"

That took an extra minute, but saved a fifteen minute meltdown and a miserable car ride. You've acknowledged what is important to Jacob, acknowledged his fear, let him know when he'd be able to play again and gave him a choice.

This is important. You didn't give him control of the whole situation. You ARE going to Aunt Trudy's, now. But you did give him a healthy sense of control, or ownership, of an area that is important to him--his Legos. He can bring some with him; put them up on the table; and you told him there would be time later to build. That's settling and respectful.

Kirk Martin
Founder, Celebrate Calm, LLC
www.CelebrateCalm.com