Sometimes kids, like adults, can benefit from therapy. Therapy can help kids develop problem-solving skills and also teach them the value of seeking help. Therapists can help kids and families cope with stress and a variety of emotional and behavioral issues. Many kids need help dealing with school stress, such as homework, test anxiety, bullying, or peer pressure. Others need help to discuss their feelings about family issues, particularly if there's a major transition, such as a divorce, move, or serious illness.
Should My Child See a Therapist?
Significant life events — such as the death of a family member, friend, or pet; divorce or a move; abuse; trauma; a parent leaving on military deployment; or a major illness in the family — can cause stress that might lead to problems with behavior, mood, sleep, appetite, and academic or social functioning. In some cases, it's not as clear what's caused a child to suddenly seem withdrawn, worried, stress, sulky, or tearful. But if you feel your child might have an emotional or behavioral problem or needs help coping with a difficult life event, trust your instincts.
Signs that a child may benefit from seeing a psychologist or licensed therapist include:
•developmental delay in speech, language, or toilet training
•learning or attention problems (such as ADHD)
•behavioral problems (such as excessive anger, acting out, bedwetting or eating disorders)
•a significant drop in grades, particularly if your child normally maintains high grades
•episodes of sadness, tearfulness, or depression
•social withdrawal or isolation
•being the victim of bullying or bullying other children
•decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities
•overly aggressive behavior (such as biting, kicking, or hitting)
•sudden changes in appetite (particularly in adolescents)
•insomnia or increased sleepiness
•excessive school absenteeism or tardiness
•mood swings (e.g., happy one minute, upset the next)
•development of or an increase in physical complaints (such as headache, stomachache, or not feeling well) despite a normal physical exam by your doctor
•management of a serious, acute, or chronic illness
•signs of alcohol, drug, or other substance use (such as solvents or prescription drug abuse)
•problems in transitions (following separation, divorce, or relocation)
•bereavement issues
•custody evaluations
•therapy following sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or other traumatic events
Kids who aren't yet school-age could benefit from seeing a developmental or clinical psychologist if there's a significant delay in achieving developmental milestones such as walking, talking, and potty training, and if there are concerns regarding autism or other developmental disorders.
Talk to Caregivers, Teachers, and the Doctor
It's also helpful to speak to caregivers and teachers who interact regularly with your child. Is your child paying attention in class and turning in assignments on time? What's his or her behavior like at recess and with peers? Gather as much information as possible to determine the best course of action.Discuss your concerns with your child's doctor, who can offer perspective and evaluate your child to rule out any medical conditions that could be having an effect. The doctor also may be able to refer you to a qualified therapist for the help your child needs.
Finding the Right Therapist
How do you find a qualified clinician who has experience working with kids and teens? While experience and education are important, it's also important to find a counselor your child feels comfortable talking to. Look for one who not only has the right experience, but also the best approach to help your child in the current circumstances.
Your doctor can be a good source of a referral. Most doctors have working relationships with mental health specialists such as child psychologists or clinical social workers. Friends, colleagues, or family members might also be able to recommend someone.
Consider a number of factors when searching for the right therapist for your child. A good first step is to ask if the therapist is willing to meet with you for a brief consultation or to talk with you during a phone interview before you commit to regular visits. Not all therapists are able to do this, given their busy schedules. Most therapists charge a fee for this type of service; others consider it a complimentary visit.
Consider the following factors when evaluating a potential therapist:
Is the therapist licensed to practice in your state? (You can check with the state board for that profession or check to see if the license is displayed in the office.)Is the therapist covered by your health insurance plan's mental health benefits? If so, how many sessions are covered by your plan? What will your co-pay be?What are his or her credentials?What type of experience does the therapist have?How long has the therapist worked with children and adolescents?Would your child find the therapist friendly?What is the cancellation policy if you're unable to keep an appointment?Is the therapist available by phone during an emergency?Who will be available to your child during the therapist's vacation or illness or during off-hours?What types of therapy does the therapist specialize in?Is the therapist willing to meet with you in addition to working with your child?The right therapist-client match is critical, so you might need to meet with a few before you find one who clicks with both you and your child.
As with other medical professionals, therapists may have a variety of credentials and specific degrees. As a general rule, your child's therapist should hold a professional degree in the field of mental health (psychology, social work, or psychiatry) and be licensed by your state. Psychologists, social workers, and psychiatrists all diagnose and treat mental health disorders.
It's also a good idea to know what those letters that follow a therapist's name mean:
PsychiatristsPsychiatrists (MDs or DOs) are medical doctors who have advanced training and experience in psychotherapy and pharmacology. They can also prescribe medications.
Clinical Psychologists(PhDs, PsyDs, or EdDs) are therapists who have a doctorate degree that includes advanced training in the practice of psychology, and many specialize in treating children and teens and their families. Psychologists may help clients manage medications but do not prescribe medication.
Clinical Social Workers
A licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) has a master's degree, specializes in clinical social work, and is licensed in the state in which he or she practices. An LICSW is also a licensed clinical social worker. A CSW is a certified social worker. Many social workers are trained in psychotherapy, but the credentials vary from state to state. Likewise, the designations (i.e., LCSW, LICSW, CSW) can vary from state to state.
Different Types of Therapy
There are many types of therapy. Therapists choose the strategies that are most appropriate for a particular problem and for the individual child and family. Therapists will often spend a portion of each session with the parents alone, with the child alone, and with the family together.
Any one therapist may use a variety of strategies, including:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)This type of therapy is often helpful with kids and teens who are depressed, anxious, or having problems coping with stress.
Cognitive behavioral therapy restructures negative thoughts into more positive, effective ways of thinking. It can include work on stress management strategies, relaxation training, practicing coping skills, and other forms of treatment.
Psychoanalytic therapy is less commonly used with children but can be used with older kids and teens who may benefit from more in-depth analysis of their problems. This is the quintessential "talk therapy" and does not focus on short-term problem-solving in the same way as CBT and behavioral therapies.
In some cases, kids benefit from individual therapy, one-on-one work with the therapist on issues they need guidance on, such as depression, social difficulties, or worry. In other cases, the right option is group therapy, where kids meet in groups of 6 to 12 to solve problems and learn new skills (such as social skills or anger management).
Family therapy can be helpful in many cases, such as when family members aren't getting along; disagree or argue often; or when a child or teen is having behavior problems. Family therapy involves counseling sessions with some, or all, family members, helping to improve communication skills among them. Treatment focuses on problem-solving techniques and can help parents re-establish their role as authority figures.
Preparing for the First Visit
You may be concerned that your child will become upset when told of an upcoming visit with a therapist. Although this is sometimes the case, it's essential to be honest about the session and why your child (or family) will be going. The issue will come up during the session, but it's important for you to prepare your child for it.
Explain to young kids that this type of visit to the doctor doesn't involve a physical exam or shots. You may also want to stress that this type of doctor talks and plays with kids and families to help them solve problems and feel better. Kids might feel reassured to learn that the therapist will be helping the parents and other family members too.
Older kids and teens may be reassured to hear that anything they say to the therapist is confidential and cannot be shared with anyone else, including parents or other doctors, without their permission — the exception is if they indicate that they're having thoughts of suicide or otherwise hurting themselves or others.
Giving kids this kind of information before the first appointment can help set the tone, prevent your child from feeling singled out or isolated, and provide reassurance that the family will be working together on the problem.
Providing Additional Support
While your child copes with emotional issues, be there to listen and care, and offer support without judgment. Patience is critical, too, as many young children are unable to verbalize their fears and emotions.
Try to set aside some time to discuss your child's worries or concerns. To minimize distractions, turn off the TV and let voice mail answer your phone calls. This will let your child know that he or she is your first priority.
Other ways to communicate openly and problem-solve include:
Talk openly and as frequently with your child as you can.Show love and affection to your child, especially during troubled times.Set a good example by taking care of your own physical and emotional needs.Enlist the support of your partner, immediate family members, your child's doctor, and teachers.Improve communication at home by having family meetings that end with a fun activity (e.g., playing a game, making ice-cream sundaes).No matter how hard it is, set limits on inappropriate or problematic behaviors. Ask the therapist for some strategies to encourage your child's cooperation.Communicate frequently with the therapist.Be open to all types of feedback from your child and from the therapist.Respect the relationship between your child and the therapist. If you feel threatened by it, discuss this with the therapist (it's nothing to be embarrassed about).Enjoy favorite activities or hobbies with your child.By recognizing problems and seeking help early on, you can help your child — and your entire family — move through the tough times toward happier, healthier times ahead.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Bully proof your child
If you haven’t been following the story of Jamey Rodemeyer, you need to start now.
Jamey Rodemeyer was a 14 year old boy from Buffalo, NY who took his life shortly after posting a farewell message on his Facebook page.
Jamey was tormented by an identifiable group of teens for at least a year, but far longer according his parents. Jamey was tormented by hate comments with gay references on social networking sites. On one site, where anonymous postings are the norm, bullies made reference to the fact that no one would care if he were to die. That’s not the case.
The Buffalo police launched a criminal investigation into the case. It won’t bring Jamey back, but hopefully it will send a clear message.
Lady Gaga is also on the case. She intends to meet with the President to discuss making bullying a crime, and she recently dedicated a song to Jamey at the IHeartRadioFestival in Las Vegas. She’s also asking Twitter to trend #MakeALawForJamey
The National Education for Educational Statistics reports that 28% of students ages 12-18 admit to be bullied during the 2008-2009 school year. The most cited forms of bullying include ridicule and rumors, with cyber bullying on the rise.
Bullying is becoming an epidemic. Lady Gaga is right: Bullying should be illegal.
We all have to do our part to take a stand on bullying in our own communities. And it has to start at home. Below are some tips to help you bully proof your child:
1. Teach your child about bullying: For years parents have been avoiding family discussions about bullying with the hope that it just won’t happen. It’s happening everywhere. Explain bullying to your children. Make sure that they understand that bullying includes teasing and rumor spreading, not just physical aggression. It’s up to you to make sure that your children truly understand what bullying is and how it affects others.
2. Allow for open communication: Create an atmosphere where your kids feel comfortable coming to you with their concerns. Be open, objective, and honest with your kids when they come to you with concerns about friendship issues, even if you suspect that your child might be bullying another. If our kids are afraid to talk to us, we can’t help them. Be there for them.
3. Set clear rules and be consistent: Kids need to understand rules and boundaries. They need to know that limits exist to keep them safe. Make your house rules clear and apply them no matter where you are. Be consistent in applying the rules and helping your kids make better choices. Rules only work if they are used consistently. This is not a negative. Rules exist to keep everyone healthy and safe from harm.
4. Teach empathy: I cover this topic regularly, so I will keep it brief. Teach your children to think about how another person might feel when being teased or left out. Teach your children to reach out to friends who are feeling sad or frustrated. Teach your children to care about others.
5. Take a stand on aggression: If I have to hear “boys will be boys” one more time…I get it. I have a boy. He jumps from furniture and literally attempts to climb the walls. Would you like to know what he’s NOT allowed to do? Hit. Punch. Kick. Push. Bite. Stop physical aggression immediately, whether it’s within the family or out in the community. Kids need to learn healthy alternatives to physical aggression. It’s up to you to teach them.
6. Respect differences: When you really get down to it, we’re all different. Race, religion, parenting styles, interests, abilities, food preferences…the list goes on. Teach your children the value of learning from someone else. Help your children see that different can be very good, and can open their eyes to a new way of doing things. Teach them to show the same respect to everyone, regardless of differences. You would think that in 2011 this wouldn’t make the list…sadly, it does.
7. Model conflict resolution strategies: If you yell and scream every time you have a conflict with your partner or get frustrated with your kids, your kids will do the same. If you resort to name calling and teasing when you’re frustrated, your kids will do the same. Model appropriate ways to cope with frustration. Teach them to walk away, take a few deep breaths, write it down first, etc. Teach them how to react without bullying. If you use physical aggression as a means to discipline your kids…GET HELP NOW.
8. Know what’s happening: Whether you are a working parent or not, life can get busy and it’s easy to lose track of what’s happening at school. Try not to rely on your child’s reports alone. Know what’s going on at the school. Forge friendships with other parents and support one another. Contact the teacher if your child appears withdrawn and/or avoids social contact. With so many students in each school and a heavy focus on making the grade, social issues can fall through the cracks until it’s too late. Stay on top of it.
9. Encourage strengths and interests: With college becoming more and more expensive, and more and more competitive, parents are always looking for the right track to get their kids on. Let them do what they love. When kids engage in activities that they enjoy, their self-confidence soars. When kids are self-confident, they are less prone to giving in to peer pressure and better able to stand up for themselves or others. Maybe golf scholarships are a way to get into college, but cultivating that love of art might just save your child from either being a bully or being bullied.
10. Increase supervision: At the end of the day, you are responsible for your kids. It’s a big job. If you choose to give your child a Smart Phone complete with email, Facebook and Twitter accounts, and other forms of social networking, you are responsible for supervising all of those accounts. Sure, kids need some privacy and boundaries. But they also use technology to target others. Be prepared to check the text messages and have the email filtered through your account. Know the passwords for Twitter and Facebook. Be honest with your kids. Tell them that access to these outlets comes with supervision. Have them check their phones in at night to avoid lost sleep due to tech overload and keep the laptops in family rooms. Monitor usage. You are responsible for your children.
Bullying is taking the lives of very young children, but it doesn’t have to. Let’s all agree to do our part to make sure that our children don’t bully.
How has bullying affected your life?
October is LGBT History Month. Take a moment to focus on teaching respect and acceptance.
Jamey Rodemeyer was a 14 year old boy from Buffalo, NY who took his life shortly after posting a farewell message on his Facebook page.
Jamey was tormented by an identifiable group of teens for at least a year, but far longer according his parents. Jamey was tormented by hate comments with gay references on social networking sites. On one site, where anonymous postings are the norm, bullies made reference to the fact that no one would care if he were to die. That’s not the case.
The Buffalo police launched a criminal investigation into the case. It won’t bring Jamey back, but hopefully it will send a clear message.
Lady Gaga is also on the case. She intends to meet with the President to discuss making bullying a crime, and she recently dedicated a song to Jamey at the IHeartRadioFestival in Las Vegas. She’s also asking Twitter to trend #MakeALawForJamey
The National Education for Educational Statistics reports that 28% of students ages 12-18 admit to be bullied during the 2008-2009 school year. The most cited forms of bullying include ridicule and rumors, with cyber bullying on the rise.
Bullying is becoming an epidemic. Lady Gaga is right: Bullying should be illegal.
We all have to do our part to take a stand on bullying in our own communities. And it has to start at home. Below are some tips to help you bully proof your child:
1. Teach your child about bullying: For years parents have been avoiding family discussions about bullying with the hope that it just won’t happen. It’s happening everywhere. Explain bullying to your children. Make sure that they understand that bullying includes teasing and rumor spreading, not just physical aggression. It’s up to you to make sure that your children truly understand what bullying is and how it affects others.
2. Allow for open communication: Create an atmosphere where your kids feel comfortable coming to you with their concerns. Be open, objective, and honest with your kids when they come to you with concerns about friendship issues, even if you suspect that your child might be bullying another. If our kids are afraid to talk to us, we can’t help them. Be there for them.
3. Set clear rules and be consistent: Kids need to understand rules and boundaries. They need to know that limits exist to keep them safe. Make your house rules clear and apply them no matter where you are. Be consistent in applying the rules and helping your kids make better choices. Rules only work if they are used consistently. This is not a negative. Rules exist to keep everyone healthy and safe from harm.
4. Teach empathy: I cover this topic regularly, so I will keep it brief. Teach your children to think about how another person might feel when being teased or left out. Teach your children to reach out to friends who are feeling sad or frustrated. Teach your children to care about others.
5. Take a stand on aggression: If I have to hear “boys will be boys” one more time…I get it. I have a boy. He jumps from furniture and literally attempts to climb the walls. Would you like to know what he’s NOT allowed to do? Hit. Punch. Kick. Push. Bite. Stop physical aggression immediately, whether it’s within the family or out in the community. Kids need to learn healthy alternatives to physical aggression. It’s up to you to teach them.
6. Respect differences: When you really get down to it, we’re all different. Race, religion, parenting styles, interests, abilities, food preferences…the list goes on. Teach your children the value of learning from someone else. Help your children see that different can be very good, and can open their eyes to a new way of doing things. Teach them to show the same respect to everyone, regardless of differences. You would think that in 2011 this wouldn’t make the list…sadly, it does.
7. Model conflict resolution strategies: If you yell and scream every time you have a conflict with your partner or get frustrated with your kids, your kids will do the same. If you resort to name calling and teasing when you’re frustrated, your kids will do the same. Model appropriate ways to cope with frustration. Teach them to walk away, take a few deep breaths, write it down first, etc. Teach them how to react without bullying. If you use physical aggression as a means to discipline your kids…GET HELP NOW.
8. Know what’s happening: Whether you are a working parent or not, life can get busy and it’s easy to lose track of what’s happening at school. Try not to rely on your child’s reports alone. Know what’s going on at the school. Forge friendships with other parents and support one another. Contact the teacher if your child appears withdrawn and/or avoids social contact. With so many students in each school and a heavy focus on making the grade, social issues can fall through the cracks until it’s too late. Stay on top of it.
9. Encourage strengths and interests: With college becoming more and more expensive, and more and more competitive, parents are always looking for the right track to get their kids on. Let them do what they love. When kids engage in activities that they enjoy, their self-confidence soars. When kids are self-confident, they are less prone to giving in to peer pressure and better able to stand up for themselves or others. Maybe golf scholarships are a way to get into college, but cultivating that love of art might just save your child from either being a bully or being bullied.
10. Increase supervision: At the end of the day, you are responsible for your kids. It’s a big job. If you choose to give your child a Smart Phone complete with email, Facebook and Twitter accounts, and other forms of social networking, you are responsible for supervising all of those accounts. Sure, kids need some privacy and boundaries. But they also use technology to target others. Be prepared to check the text messages and have the email filtered through your account. Know the passwords for Twitter and Facebook. Be honest with your kids. Tell them that access to these outlets comes with supervision. Have them check their phones in at night to avoid lost sleep due to tech overload and keep the laptops in family rooms. Monitor usage. You are responsible for your children.
Bullying is taking the lives of very young children, but it doesn’t have to. Let’s all agree to do our part to make sure that our children don’t bully.
How has bullying affected your life?
October is LGBT History Month. Take a moment to focus on teaching respect and acceptance.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Praise for 48 hours
We can sometimes get stuck only seeing the negative in our children because it has a tendency to slap us in the face. It may be a trait we see in ourselves that has long bothered us and we can't bare to see it played out in the "mirror" that is our child.Our children may have inherited some of the traits or temperment issues that have been difficult for us but we need to be mindful that they are not us. They are their own unique little people forming, evolving and adapting as best they can.
Make a list of your child's positive traits. Are they witty, creative, ingenious, crafty, inventive, imaginative, problem-solvers, compassionate, leaders? Then tell them. Right out of the blue. From the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. For 48 hours. See what happens. I bet you'll be surprised.
Make a list of your child's positive traits. Are they witty, creative, ingenious, crafty, inventive, imaginative, problem-solvers, compassionate, leaders? Then tell them. Right out of the blue. From the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. For 48 hours. See what happens. I bet you'll be surprised.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Worries....we all have them
Kids don't have to pay bills, cook dinners, or manage carpools. But — just like adults — they have their share of daily demands and things that don't go smoothly. If frustrations and disappointments pile up, kids can get worried.
It's natural for all kids to worry at times, and because of personality and temperament differences, some may worry more than others. Luckily, parents can help kids manage worry and tackle everyday problems with ease. Kids who can do that develop a sense of confidence and optimism that will help them master life's challenges, big and small.
What Do Kids Worry About?
What kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they're in.
Kids and preteens typically worry about things like grades, tests, their changing bodies, fitting in with friends, that goal they missed at the soccer game, or whether they'll make the team. They may worry about social troubles like cliques, peer pressure, or whether they'll be bullied, teased, or left out. Because they're beginning to feel more a part of the larger world around them, preteens also may worry about world events or issues they hear about on the news or at school. Things like terrorism, war, pollution, global warming, endangered animals, and natural disasters can become a source of worry.
Helping Kids Conquer Worry
To help your kids manage what's worrying them:
Find out what's on their minds: Be available and take an interest in what's happening at school, on the team, and with your kids' friends. Take casual opportunities to ask how it's going. As you listen to stories of the day's events, be sure to ask about what your kids think and feel about what happened. If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it. Encourage kids to put what's bothering them into words. Ask for key details and listen attentively. Sometimes just sharing the story with you can help lighten their load. Show you care and understand. Being interested in your child's concerns shows they're important to you, too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments can help — but usually only after you've heard your child out. Say that you understand your child's feelings and the problem. Be sure to hear about the upbeat stuff, too. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen and let kids tell you what they think and feel about successes, achievements, and positive experiences.
Guide kids to solutions.
You can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal constructively with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem, offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study will lessen his concern about it. In most situations, resist the urge to jump in and fix a problem for your child — instead, think it through and come up with possible solutions together. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem independently.
Keep things in perspective.
Kids sometimes worry about things that have already happened. That's where parents can offer some big-picture perspective. Maybe your daughter got a really bad haircut that sent her home in tears. Let her know you understand how upset she feels, then remind her that her hair will grow and help her come up with a cool new way to style it in the meantime. If your son is worried about whether he'll get the lead in the school play, remind him that there's a play every season — if he doesn't get the part he wants this time, he'll have other opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know that — regardless of the outcome — you're proud that he tried out and gave it his best shot. Without minimizing a child's feelings, point out that many problems are temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience, and the optimism to try again. Remind your kids that whatever happens, things will be OK.
Make a difference.
Sometimes kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by discussing these issues, offering accurate information, and correcting any misconceptions kids might have. Try to reassure kids by talking about what adults are doing to tackle the problem to keep them safe. Be aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If you express anger and stress about a world event that's beyond your control, kids are likely to react that way too. But if you express your concern by taking a proactive approach to make a positive difference, your kids will feel more optimistic and empowered to do the same. So look for things you can do with your kids to help all of you feel like you're making a positive difference. You may not be able to go stop a war, for example, but your family can contribute to an organization that works for peace or helps kids in war-torn countries. Or your family might perform community service to give your kids the experience of volunteering.
Offer reassurance and comfort.
Sometimes when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent's reassurance and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words, or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens, parents will be there with love and support. Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather than dwell on it. Know when it's time to move on, and help kids shift gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that's more upbeat or an activity that will create a lighter mood.
Be a good role model.
The most powerful lessons we teach kids are the ones we demonstrate. Your response to your own worries can go a long way toward teaching your kids how to deal with everyday challenges. If you're rattled or angry when dealing with a to-do list that's too long, your child will learn that as the appropriate response to stress. Instead, look on the bright side and voice optimistic thoughts about your own situations at least as frequently as you talk about what worries you. Set a good example with your reactions to problems and setbacks. Responding with optimism and confidence teaches kids that problems are temporary and tomorrow's another day. Bouncing back with a can-do attitude will help your kids do the same.
It's natural for all kids to worry at times, and because of personality and temperament differences, some may worry more than others. Luckily, parents can help kids manage worry and tackle everyday problems with ease. Kids who can do that develop a sense of confidence and optimism that will help them master life's challenges, big and small.
What Do Kids Worry About?
What kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they're in.
Kids and preteens typically worry about things like grades, tests, their changing bodies, fitting in with friends, that goal they missed at the soccer game, or whether they'll make the team. They may worry about social troubles like cliques, peer pressure, or whether they'll be bullied, teased, or left out. Because they're beginning to feel more a part of the larger world around them, preteens also may worry about world events or issues they hear about on the news or at school. Things like terrorism, war, pollution, global warming, endangered animals, and natural disasters can become a source of worry.
Helping Kids Conquer Worry
To help your kids manage what's worrying them:
Find out what's on their minds: Be available and take an interest in what's happening at school, on the team, and with your kids' friends. Take casual opportunities to ask how it's going. As you listen to stories of the day's events, be sure to ask about what your kids think and feel about what happened. If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it. Encourage kids to put what's bothering them into words. Ask for key details and listen attentively. Sometimes just sharing the story with you can help lighten their load. Show you care and understand. Being interested in your child's concerns shows they're important to you, too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments can help — but usually only after you've heard your child out. Say that you understand your child's feelings and the problem. Be sure to hear about the upbeat stuff, too. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen and let kids tell you what they think and feel about successes, achievements, and positive experiences.
Guide kids to solutions.
You can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal constructively with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem, offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study will lessen his concern about it. In most situations, resist the urge to jump in and fix a problem for your child — instead, think it through and come up with possible solutions together. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem independently.
Keep things in perspective.
Kids sometimes worry about things that have already happened. That's where parents can offer some big-picture perspective. Maybe your daughter got a really bad haircut that sent her home in tears. Let her know you understand how upset she feels, then remind her that her hair will grow and help her come up with a cool new way to style it in the meantime. If your son is worried about whether he'll get the lead in the school play, remind him that there's a play every season — if he doesn't get the part he wants this time, he'll have other opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know that — regardless of the outcome — you're proud that he tried out and gave it his best shot. Without minimizing a child's feelings, point out that many problems are temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience, and the optimism to try again. Remind your kids that whatever happens, things will be OK.
Make a difference.
Sometimes kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by discussing these issues, offering accurate information, and correcting any misconceptions kids might have. Try to reassure kids by talking about what adults are doing to tackle the problem to keep them safe. Be aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If you express anger and stress about a world event that's beyond your control, kids are likely to react that way too. But if you express your concern by taking a proactive approach to make a positive difference, your kids will feel more optimistic and empowered to do the same. So look for things you can do with your kids to help all of you feel like you're making a positive difference. You may not be able to go stop a war, for example, but your family can contribute to an organization that works for peace or helps kids in war-torn countries. Or your family might perform community service to give your kids the experience of volunteering.
Offer reassurance and comfort.
Sometimes when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent's reassurance and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words, or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens, parents will be there with love and support. Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather than dwell on it. Know when it's time to move on, and help kids shift gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that's more upbeat or an activity that will create a lighter mood.
Be a good role model.
The most powerful lessons we teach kids are the ones we demonstrate. Your response to your own worries can go a long way toward teaching your kids how to deal with everyday challenges. If you're rattled or angry when dealing with a to-do list that's too long, your child will learn that as the appropriate response to stress. Instead, look on the bright side and voice optimistic thoughts about your own situations at least as frequently as you talk about what worries you. Set a good example with your reactions to problems and setbacks. Responding with optimism and confidence teaches kids that problems are temporary and tomorrow's another day. Bouncing back with a can-do attitude will help your kids do the same.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It’s almost that time of year again. Believe it or not, your kids will be heading back to school in the near future. You can almost taste it! But making the transition from summer to fall means that you’d better think ahead. There are a lot of changes that must be managed. Here are five back to school tips to help you and your kids make the shift as easy as
possible.
1. Bedtime
Gradually start getting the children to bed earlier and earlier, so that one week before school starts, they are on their fall schedule. Once school begins, bedtime should be the same every night. Weekend times for bed, of course, can still be a little different from the rest of the week.
2. Homework
If you have youngsters who handle homework on their own (yes, there are
children like this), leave them alone or say something like: “Boy, you really did a good job last year doing your schoolwork by yourself.” With other children, sit them down and discuss how homework will be handled every day. Good rules of thumb are same time, same place and try to get it all done before dinner. TV is not allowed while doing schoolwork, but many kids do better while listening to music.
3. New Schools
If you have a child who is going to a school they haven’t been to before, make sure you take them over for a visit. Take them to their new classroom and — even better — see if you can meet their new teacher. Even if you can’t, try to find at least one friendly person in the school that your child can talk to for even a little bit. Your visit— and that friendly memory— will help to counter some of your child’s fears of the unknown.
4. School Supplies
Make a fun shopping trip out of buying school supplies. One‐on-one shared fun is the best parent‐child bonding method in history. That means ONE child plus you go shopping and to lunch, not THREE kids plus you. Kids cherish being alone with a parent, and for you the pleasure is partly due to the fact that sibling rivalry in this situation is impossible.
5. Listen and Talk
While you’re out getting things for school, or anytime really, be a sympathetic listener. Ask your child how it feels to be going back to school. “What’s good about it and what’s not so hot.” Then, from time to time, fill your young one in on what it felt like for you to be going back to school at about her age. Don’t be scared—be honest!
Checking Homework ‐ PNP Method
PNP stands for “Positive‐Negative‐Positive”. Whenever a youngster brings any piece of school work to you, the first thing out of your mouth must be something positive—some type of praise. You might for instance, simply praise the child for remembering to show you her work. After saying something nice about the child’s effort, you may then
make a constructive comment, if it’s absolutely necessary. Finally, you conclude your insightful remarks with something positive again.
This type of response will help bring her back again and again. Kids will never want to bring you anything if you follow your/our natural human inclinations and shoot from the hip with criticism, however well-meaning it may be.
possible.
1. Bedtime
Gradually start getting the children to bed earlier and earlier, so that one week before school starts, they are on their fall schedule. Once school begins, bedtime should be the same every night. Weekend times for bed, of course, can still be a little different from the rest of the week.
2. Homework
If you have youngsters who handle homework on their own (yes, there are
children like this), leave them alone or say something like: “Boy, you really did a good job last year doing your schoolwork by yourself.” With other children, sit them down and discuss how homework will be handled every day. Good rules of thumb are same time, same place and try to get it all done before dinner. TV is not allowed while doing schoolwork, but many kids do better while listening to music.
3. New Schools
If you have a child who is going to a school they haven’t been to before, make sure you take them over for a visit. Take them to their new classroom and — even better — see if you can meet their new teacher. Even if you can’t, try to find at least one friendly person in the school that your child can talk to for even a little bit. Your visit— and that friendly memory— will help to counter some of your child’s fears of the unknown.
4. School Supplies
Make a fun shopping trip out of buying school supplies. One‐on-one shared fun is the best parent‐child bonding method in history. That means ONE child plus you go shopping and to lunch, not THREE kids plus you. Kids cherish being alone with a parent, and for you the pleasure is partly due to the fact that sibling rivalry in this situation is impossible.
5. Listen and Talk
While you’re out getting things for school, or anytime really, be a sympathetic listener. Ask your child how it feels to be going back to school. “What’s good about it and what’s not so hot.” Then, from time to time, fill your young one in on what it felt like for you to be going back to school at about her age. Don’t be scared—be honest!
Checking Homework ‐ PNP Method
PNP stands for “Positive‐Negative‐Positive”. Whenever a youngster brings any piece of school work to you, the first thing out of your mouth must be something positive—some type of praise. You might for instance, simply praise the child for remembering to show you her work. After saying something nice about the child’s effort, you may then
make a constructive comment, if it’s absolutely necessary. Finally, you conclude your insightful remarks with something positive again.
This type of response will help bring her back again and again. Kids will never want to bring you anything if you follow your/our natural human inclinations and shoot from the hip with criticism, however well-meaning it may be.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Age of Reason
Around the time of her 7th birthday, your child's conscience emerges to help guide her actions.
Few parents would argue with the observation that children age 6 and younger do not have great control over their feelings and impulses. Nor is your very young child likely to take genuine responsibility for her actions, or heed adults' urging to be considerate of others. When she does the right thing, she is more likely responding to your expectations and demands than exercising her own conscience.
We grown-ups often become impatient with the seeming selfishness of little ones who don't share. But to them, it doesn't make sense that anyone would ask something so outrageous. If they comply, it is to the letter, not the spirit, of the sharing rule. One 3 year old, under great pressure to share a toy with his younger brother, finally handed it over — and then took it back in a flash, saying "Now you share!"
Yes, your baby shows early signs of empathy when she cries because another baby is crying, or when, as a toddler, she brings her wailing playmate to you for consolation. But those situations do not require a sacrifice of self-interest or a belief in doing "the right thing." It is not until the age of 7, give or take a year or so, that your child's conscience begins to mature enough to guide her actions. In fact, there is typically a marked surge in moral and mental maturity at that special moment in development (child psychiatrists Theodore Shapiro and Richard Perry first described this in 1976 in an article titled "Latency Revisited: The Age of Seven, Plus or Minus One"). It's been called the "Age of Reason," since these children have a newly internalized sense of right and wrong. They are no longer focused simply on not getting caught or displeasing adults. They have made up their minds about what is right or wrong, identifying with their primary caregivers' expressed values and applying them quite rigidly.
Many cultures throughout history have observed this growth spurt by raising expectations and offering new privileges. In Medieval times, court apprenticeships began at 7; so too did apprenticeships at the time of the Guilds, and in English Common Law, children under 7 were not considered responsible for their behavior. The Catholic Church offers first Communion at about age 7; it's also when formal schooling begins in most societies.
At 7 "plus or minus one," your child begins to problem-solve in a new way, using reason rather than pure intuition. He can separate fantasy from reality; and so can be expected to know and tell the truth. Four and 5 year olds don't really "lie"; they adapt the "truth" so that it works for them in a given situation. Anything else makes no sense to them; just as "sharing" makes no sense to 2 year olds. Remember, they also assume that Grandma can see the new toy they are showing her over the phone.
At about 7, fears are no longer of monsters, but of real people, and most of all of not being liked, being different, and risking loneliness. Pride and shame are real now too. Real, rather than simply imagined achievement, enhances self-esteem. Oddly enough, I seem to remember the moment before I crossed over that line. In kindergarten, I was in awe of the older kids who were "Safety Patrols." They wore arm badges, in the school colors, marking their special status. At 5, I thought nothing more was needed to be so privileged than a badge. So I made one myself. The jig was quickly up when my parents recognized my "handiwork." Fortunately, they saved me from embarrassment in school. The badge was set aside for pretend play at home. A year or two later, even the private memory of all that was embarrassing. And incidentally, when I did become a patrol, the magic of the status had vanished — transformed into the merely mundane, since by then, despite myself, I had crossed over into the age of reason.
Once that happens, children are able to compromise, accept differences in status, and therefore make and maintain friendships. Many can even lose a game without mortification, and can respect the rules of the game. They can say, "I am sorry" and mean it, further solidifying friendships.
What's behind this transformation of wishful thinkers into relatively grounded 7 and 8 year olds? These days, most experts credit biology. Rapid changes in brain anatomy, physiology and chemistry are the underpinnings of a growing clarity about what is real. Your child also recognizes that thoughts are not the same thing as actions, so she is less likely to punish herself for "mean thoughts" alone. Biology has moved her from an egocentric outlook to a sense of her place in a larger world. Celebrating Earth Day now makes more sense, for example.
In addition to the leap in reasonableness, your child has an increased ability to focus and concentrate; and it all adds up to readiness for formal schooling. He is capable of classifying and ordering, and has a more realistic sense of cause and effect. Doing well in the real world becomes vital to his self-esteem; a homemade patrol badge won't do it. Actual sports and school achievement are important goals; and therefore, serious academic troubles or lack of age-appropriate physical skills can shake confidence.
It is interesting that in this so-called reasonable and quiet period of development (age 7 to 11), there are more referrals to child therapists than at any other age. Why? Children are not more typically troubled during this phase. The gap between a child's functioning and her parents'/teachers' reasonable expectations for greater self-control and capacity to concentrate may lead to the therapist's door. And because this is a far more pliable age than toddlerhood or adolescence, on-target intervention can go a long way. That does not mean that one bad day or power struggle should send you hurrying to a therapist. But if your child's overall pattern of mental, moral, and interpersonal performance is not in line with the realistic expectations for her age outlined here, find out why and offer whatever remediation is needed.
Around the time of her 7th birthday, your child's conscience emerges to help guide her actions.
Few parents would argue with the observation that children age 6 and younger do not have great control over their feelings and impulses. Nor is your very young child likely to take genuine responsibility for her actions, or heed adults' urging to be considerate of others. When she does the right thing, she is more likely responding to your expectations and demands than exercising her own conscience.
We grown-ups often become impatient with the seeming selfishness of little ones who don't share. But to them, it doesn't make sense that anyone would ask something so outrageous. If they comply, it is to the letter, not the spirit, of the sharing rule. One 3 year old, under great pressure to share a toy with his younger brother, finally handed it over — and then took it back in a flash, saying "Now you share!"
Yes, your baby shows early signs of empathy when she cries because another baby is crying, or when, as a toddler, she brings her wailing playmate to you for consolation. But those situations do not require a sacrifice of self-interest or a belief in doing "the right thing." It is not until the age of 7, give or take a year or so, that your child's conscience begins to mature enough to guide her actions. In fact, there is typically a marked surge in moral and mental maturity at that special moment in development (child psychiatrists Theodore Shapiro and Richard Perry first described this in 1976 in an article titled "Latency Revisited: The Age of Seven, Plus or Minus One"). It's been called the "Age of Reason," since these children have a newly internalized sense of right and wrong. They are no longer focused simply on not getting caught or displeasing adults. They have made up their minds about what is right or wrong, identifying with their primary caregivers' expressed values and applying them quite rigidly.
Many cultures throughout history have observed this growth spurt by raising expectations and offering new privileges. In Medieval times, court apprenticeships began at 7; so too did apprenticeships at the time of the Guilds, and in English Common Law, children under 7 were not considered responsible for their behavior. The Catholic Church offers first Communion at about age 7; it's also when formal schooling begins in most societies.
At 7 "plus or minus one," your child begins to problem-solve in a new way, using reason rather than pure intuition. He can separate fantasy from reality; and so can be expected to know and tell the truth. Four and 5 year olds don't really "lie"; they adapt the "truth" so that it works for them in a given situation. Anything else makes no sense to them; just as "sharing" makes no sense to 2 year olds. Remember, they also assume that Grandma can see the new toy they are showing her over the phone.
At about 7, fears are no longer of monsters, but of real people, and most of all of not being liked, being different, and risking loneliness. Pride and shame are real now too. Real, rather than simply imagined achievement, enhances self-esteem. Oddly enough, I seem to remember the moment before I crossed over that line. In kindergarten, I was in awe of the older kids who were "Safety Patrols." They wore arm badges, in the school colors, marking their special status. At 5, I thought nothing more was needed to be so privileged than a badge. So I made one myself. The jig was quickly up when my parents recognized my "handiwork." Fortunately, they saved me from embarrassment in school. The badge was set aside for pretend play at home. A year or two later, even the private memory of all that was embarrassing. And incidentally, when I did become a patrol, the magic of the status had vanished — transformed into the merely mundane, since by then, despite myself, I had crossed over into the age of reason.
Once that happens, children are able to compromise, accept differences in status, and therefore make and maintain friendships. Many can even lose a game without mortification, and can respect the rules of the game. They can say, "I am sorry" and mean it, further solidifying friendships.
What's behind this transformation of wishful thinkers into relatively grounded 7 and 8 year olds? These days, most experts credit biology. Rapid changes in brain anatomy, physiology and chemistry are the underpinnings of a growing clarity about what is real. Your child also recognizes that thoughts are not the same thing as actions, so she is less likely to punish herself for "mean thoughts" alone. Biology has moved her from an egocentric outlook to a sense of her place in a larger world. Celebrating Earth Day now makes more sense, for example.
In addition to the leap in reasonableness, your child has an increased ability to focus and concentrate; and it all adds up to readiness for formal schooling. He is capable of classifying and ordering, and has a more realistic sense of cause and effect. Doing well in the real world becomes vital to his self-esteem; a homemade patrol badge won't do it. Actual sports and school achievement are important goals; and therefore, serious academic troubles or lack of age-appropriate physical skills can shake confidence.
It is interesting that in this so-called reasonable and quiet period of development (age 7 to 11), there are more referrals to child therapists than at any other age. Why? Children are not more typically troubled during this phase. The gap between a child's functioning and her parents'/teachers' reasonable expectations for greater self-control and capacity to concentrate may lead to the therapist's door. And because this is a far more pliable age than toddlerhood or adolescence, on-target intervention can go a long way. That does not mean that one bad day or power struggle should send you hurrying to a therapist. But if your child's overall pattern of mental, moral, and interpersonal performance is not in line with the realistic expectations for her age outlined here, find out why and offer whatever remediation is needed.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Your Not Old Enough!
What can parents do when a child isn’t old enough to do
many of the things other children do? This is an especially difficult
situation if the child has older brothers or sisters who
are allowed privileges the younger child is denied.For example,
many young children want to go outside without supervision. They may
even run away from home or slip out when parents aren’t looking. Naturally, if this happens, parents are going to be upset and worried, perhaps angry.
What to do? Be honest with your child about your feelings, but try,
also, to let him know you understand his feelings.“You wanted to go out by
yourself like the big kids. You got mad when I wouldn’t let you. So you went anyway. I understand how you feel, but I can’t let you go out alone. I get very worried and upset that something might happen to you.”
It’s hard for children to understand that they will be allowed
more privileges as they get older. In the meantime, parents can take
some comfort in the fact that this situation won’t last forever. ❏
many of the things other children do? This is an especially difficult
situation if the child has older brothers or sisters who
are allowed privileges the younger child is denied.For example,
many young children want to go outside without supervision. They may
even run away from home or slip out when parents aren’t looking. Naturally, if this happens, parents are going to be upset and worried, perhaps angry.
What to do? Be honest with your child about your feelings, but try,
also, to let him know you understand his feelings.“You wanted to go out by
yourself like the big kids. You got mad when I wouldn’t let you. So you went anyway. I understand how you feel, but I can’t let you go out alone. I get very worried and upset that something might happen to you.”
It’s hard for children to understand that they will be allowed
more privileges as they get older. In the meantime, parents can take
some comfort in the fact that this situation won’t last forever. ❏
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)