Defiance; When Kids Want To Be In Control

Put Yourself in Your Child's ShoesWhen you are emotional or upset, don't you want people to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand why you're upset? But when our kids are defiant and upset, don't we often assume they are just being difficult or disrespectful, then demand they change ASAP. Instead, next time, step back. Take fifteen seconds and evaluate, "Okay, what's really going on here?" One reaction leads to meltdowns and yelling; the other solves problems and builds relationships.

Is This Really Defiance?
It's Saturday morning and after a long week at school, your son is happily playing with his Legos. You march into the living room and announce, "Jacob, we need to go to Aunt Trudy's. Right now."

"But, Mom, I'm almost done with my..."

Jacob begins the meltdown. Your anxiety and tension rise. Inside you are thinking, "Why can't we just do ANYTHING without a meltdown? Just get your coat on and let's go!" Or you may actually say that. I get it.

Here's what we're missing. If we're honest, we would admit that we don't react well when a boss or spouse walks into our cubicle/bedroom and announces a change of plans when we're in the middle of things. We're only seeing this from our point of view. It's not ALWAYS that Jacob wants to be difficult. Try this instead.

"Jacob, that is one cool Lego spaceship. Listen, we have to go to Aunt Trudy's now so here are a couple options. You can bring some Legos with you to work on OR I can help you put the spaceship on the table so the dog/little brother doesn't break it. When we get back home, we'll have two hours to finish building. Which would you rather do?"

That took an extra minute, but saved a fifteen minute meltdown and a miserable car ride. You've acknowledged what is important to Jacob, acknowledged his fear, let him know when he'd be able to play again and gave him a choice.

This is important. You didn't give him control of the whole situation. You ARE going to Aunt Trudy's, now. But you did give him a healthy sense of control, or ownership, of an area that is important to him--his Legos. He can bring some with him; put them up on the table; and you told him there would be time later to build. That's settling and respectful.

Kirk Martin
Founder, Celebrate Calm, LLC
www.CelebrateCalm.com

Enjoy your kids more with this stategy.

Shared One-on-One Fun

Brace yourself for the bad news. Family togetherness is

overrated! Going out with the whole crew is not all it's

cracked up to be. One of the main reasons is sibling

rivalry. Mom and Dad are at the beach, for instance with

their six year old daughter and eight year old son. The

adults are trying to enjoy the sand, the water and the

kids' interaction. But the boy says something smart to his

sister who throws her hotdog at her brother who laughs

as it misses him and gets all full of sand. Now both kids

are screaming and everyone is looking. This isn't fun.

The solution? It's important to take your kids—one at a

time- and do something you both like. Regularly. It's

peaceful because there's no fighting and not even a

chance of fighting. That makes for real enjoyment and

genuine mutual affection. Shared one on one fun

produces strong parent child bonding and the activity

can be very simple, such as reading, going shopping, just

talking or-heaven forbid- teaching the inexperienced

parent how to play a video game.

Raising children today is no easy task. If you are having

more than your share of behavioral problems with your

youngsters, just how should you go about turning things

around? Exactly where should you start? Sometimes the

simplest solutions are the most effective. The most

effective thing you can do with your youngsters to get

things going right is shared one on one fun. This

technique can help you feel more affectionate and appreciative

of the time spent with your kids.