Thursday, August 29, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Some thoughts on Parenting.....
7 Habits of Highly Effective Parents
A quick caveat: no parenting strategy is a guarantee of success nor will it yield immediate results. The key is to build habits – habits in the way we interact and communicate with our children, habits in the way we think about our role as parents, habits in the ways we solve problems, etc. These habits are what ultimately makes the parent-child dynamic a constructive and effective one.1. Understand your Goals and Priorities
Be clear on your goals and priorities and then choose your battles. Be prepared to give in, to make compromises or changes when the issue at hand is more important for your child than it is for you. This need not undermine your authority as long as those compromises don’t impact your goals and priorities.
2. Set up House Rules
Take the time to set up House Rules and explain them to your children. Give everyone a chance to collaborate on this process (including opportunities for disagreements) and to contribute to the rules that will govern everyone under the roof.
3. Practice Effective Negotiation Techniques
Teach your child how to be an effective negotiator. It sounds counterproductive but it isn’t. By teaching your child how to negotiate, you’re actually empowering her to make better decisions, be less argumentative, and to participate in productive problem-solving – all of which will make your job as a parent much easier in the long-run.
4. Practice Listening and Talking
When your child talks, listen. When she asks questions, listen. When she has concerns, listen. When she expresses emotions, listen.
Children rarely have the words they need to actually convey what they need to say. That means that those important nuggets of information are often buried in babble and queries and worries and tears. Listen so that you can help them identify what really matters… then talk to them.
Talk when there is a conflict, talk when there isn’t. Talk when there is a concern (yours or theirs). Talk them through a problem or something they don’t understand, talk them through your own problem-solving process.
Be open and honest and forthright with information and your children will respond in kind.
5. Think about the Cause and Effect of your Actions
So often, we are simply reacting to the unpredictability and unexpected nature of the things that come our way as parents. However, it is important to keep in mind that our actions will impact our children and, to the extent that we can, we should do our best to limit the unintended effects of our actions.
That requires that we practice taking a moment to think about the reasons behind the things we do or say and how they may be received by our children.
6. Think Win/Win
You may be the parent but your child is nevertheless an independent entity that is trying to find the best way to live her life. Design strategies that aren’t just in your favor but actually create an optimal situation for your child as well.
7. Customize your Parenting
Read up on different parenting techniques, talk to your friends and family, experiment with different strategies… and then do what you think is best. There are many different ways of handling this complicated task of being parents. However, each situation is unique and not all strategies, tips and advice will work for you. Become informed and then customize your parenting.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Empathy starts at home
Understanding How Children Develop Empathy
By PERRI KLASS, M.D.
The mother was trying to hold the baby still, and I was pulling gently on the ear, angling for a better look at the infant's eardrum. The wriggling baby didn't like any of it, and her whimpering quickly turned to full-fledged wails.
Suddenly the baby's 3-year-old brother, an innocent bystander in no danger of having his own ears examined, began to wail as well, creating the kind of harmonic cacophony that makes passers-by wince in recognition. And the poor mother, her hands full, could only look over and reassure him: Your sister is O.K., don't worry, don't feel bad.
But really, was that why the 3-year-old was crying? Was he tired and frustrated, scared by the noise, jealous of his mother's attention? Or was he, in fact, upset because his sister was upset - an early step toward empathy, sympathy, kindness and charity?
The capacity to notice the distress of others, and to be moved by it, can be a critical component of what is called prosocial behavior, actions that benefit others: individuals, groups or society as a whole. Psychologists, neurobiologists and even economists are increasingly interested in the overarching question of how and why we become our better selves.
How do children develop prosocial behavior, and is there in fact any way to encourage it? If you do, will you eventually get altruistic adults, the sort who buy shoes for a homeless man on a freezing night, or rush to lift a commuter pushed onto the subway tracks as the train nears?
Nancy Eisenberg, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University, is an expert on the development in children of prosocial behavior, "voluntary behavior intended to benefit another." Such behavior is often examined through the child's ability to perceive and react to someone else's distress. Attempts at concern and reassurance can be seen in children as young as 1.
Dr. Eisenberg draws a distinction between empathy and sympathy: "Empathy, at least the way I break it out, is experiencing the same emotion or highly similar emotion to what the other person is feeling," she said. "Sympathy is feeling concern or sorrow for the other person." While that may be based in part on empathy, she said, or on memory, "it's not feeling the same emotion."
By itself, intense empathy - really feeling someone else's pain - can backfire, causing so much personal distress that the end result is a desire to avoid the source of the pain, researchers have found. The ingredients of prosocial behavior, from kindness to philanthropy, are more complex and varied.
They include the ability to perceive others' distress, the sense of self that helps sort out your own identity and feelings, the regulatory skills that prevent distress so severe it turns to aversion, and the cognitive and emotional understanding of the value of helping.
Twin studies have suggested that there is some genetic component to prosocial tendencies. When reacting to an adult who is pretending to be distressed, for example, identical twins behave more like each other than do fraternal twins. And as children grow up, these early manifestations of sympathy and empathy become part of complex decision-making and personal morality.
"There is some degree of heritability," said Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, a senior research scientist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, who has done some of these twin studies. But she notes that the effect is small: "There is no gene for empathy, there is no gene for altruism. What's heritable may be some personality characteristics."
Scott Huettel, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke, described two broad theories to explain prosocial behavior. One, he said, was essentially motivational: It feels good to help other people. Economists have also looked at the question of altruism, and have hypothesized about a "warm glow effect" to account for charitable giving.
Experimental studies have shown that the same brain region that is activated when people win money for themselves is active when they give to charity - that is, that there is a kind of neurologic "reward" built into the motivational system of the brain.
"Charitable giving can activate the same pleasure-reward centers, the dopaminergic centers, in the brain that are very closely tied to habit formation," said Bill Harbaugh, an economist at the University of Oregon who studies altruism. "This suggests it might be possible to foster the same sorts of habits for charitable giving you see with other sorts of habits."
The other theory of prosocial behavior, Dr. Huettel said, is based on social cognition - the recognition that other people have needs and goals. The two theories aren't mutually exclusive: Cognitive understanding accompanied by a motivational reward reinforces prosocial behavior.
But shaping prosocial behavior is a tricky business. For instance, certain financial incentives seem to deter prosocial impulses, a phenomenon called reward undermining, Dr. Huettel said.
Consider that in the United States, historically, blood donors could be paid, but not in Britain. And the British donated more blood. "When you give extrinsic motivations, they can supplant the intrinsic ones," he said.
What would the experts say about fostering prosocial behavior in children, from kindness on to charity?
Parental modeling is important, of course; sympathy and compassion should be part of children's experience long before they know the words.
"Explain how other people feel," Dr. Eisenberg said. "Reflect the child's feelings, but also point out, look, you hurt Johnny's feelings."
Don't offer material rewards for prosocial behavior, but do offer opportunities to do good - opportunities that the child will see as voluntary. And help children see themselves and frame their own behavior as generous, kind, helpful, as the mother in my exam room did.
Working with a child's temperament, taking advantage of an emerging sense of self and increasing cognitive understanding of the world and helped by the reward centers of the brain, parents can try to foster that warm glow and the worldview that goes with it. Empathy, sympathy, compassion, kindness and charity begin at home, and very early.
Suddenly the baby's 3-year-old brother, an innocent bystander in no danger of having his own ears examined, began to wail as well, creating the kind of harmonic cacophony that makes passers-by wince in recognition. And the poor mother, her hands full, could only look over and reassure him: Your sister is O.K., don't worry, don't feel bad.
But really, was that why the 3-year-old was crying? Was he tired and frustrated, scared by the noise, jealous of his mother's attention? Or was he, in fact, upset because his sister was upset - an early step toward empathy, sympathy, kindness and charity?
The capacity to notice the distress of others, and to be moved by it, can be a critical component of what is called prosocial behavior, actions that benefit others: individuals, groups or society as a whole. Psychologists, neurobiologists and even economists are increasingly interested in the overarching question of how and why we become our better selves.
How do children develop prosocial behavior, and is there in fact any way to encourage it? If you do, will you eventually get altruistic adults, the sort who buy shoes for a homeless man on a freezing night, or rush to lift a commuter pushed onto the subway tracks as the train nears?
Nancy Eisenberg, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University, is an expert on the development in children of prosocial behavior, "voluntary behavior intended to benefit another." Such behavior is often examined through the child's ability to perceive and react to someone else's distress. Attempts at concern and reassurance can be seen in children as young as 1.
Dr. Eisenberg draws a distinction between empathy and sympathy: "Empathy, at least the way I break it out, is experiencing the same emotion or highly similar emotion to what the other person is feeling," she said. "Sympathy is feeling concern or sorrow for the other person." While that may be based in part on empathy, she said, or on memory, "it's not feeling the same emotion."
By itself, intense empathy - really feeling someone else's pain - can backfire, causing so much personal distress that the end result is a desire to avoid the source of the pain, researchers have found. The ingredients of prosocial behavior, from kindness to philanthropy, are more complex and varied.
They include the ability to perceive others' distress, the sense of self that helps sort out your own identity and feelings, the regulatory skills that prevent distress so severe it turns to aversion, and the cognitive and emotional understanding of the value of helping.
Twin studies have suggested that there is some genetic component to prosocial tendencies. When reacting to an adult who is pretending to be distressed, for example, identical twins behave more like each other than do fraternal twins. And as children grow up, these early manifestations of sympathy and empathy become part of complex decision-making and personal morality.
"There is some degree of heritability," said Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, a senior research scientist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, who has done some of these twin studies. But she notes that the effect is small: "There is no gene for empathy, there is no gene for altruism. What's heritable may be some personality characteristics."
Scott Huettel, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke, described two broad theories to explain prosocial behavior. One, he said, was essentially motivational: It feels good to help other people. Economists have also looked at the question of altruism, and have hypothesized about a "warm glow effect" to account for charitable giving.
Experimental studies have shown that the same brain region that is activated when people win money for themselves is active when they give to charity - that is, that there is a kind of neurologic "reward" built into the motivational system of the brain.
"Charitable giving can activate the same pleasure-reward centers, the dopaminergic centers, in the brain that are very closely tied to habit formation," said Bill Harbaugh, an economist at the University of Oregon who studies altruism. "This suggests it might be possible to foster the same sorts of habits for charitable giving you see with other sorts of habits."
The other theory of prosocial behavior, Dr. Huettel said, is based on social cognition - the recognition that other people have needs and goals. The two theories aren't mutually exclusive: Cognitive understanding accompanied by a motivational reward reinforces prosocial behavior.
But shaping prosocial behavior is a tricky business. For instance, certain financial incentives seem to deter prosocial impulses, a phenomenon called reward undermining, Dr. Huettel said.
Consider that in the United States, historically, blood donors could be paid, but not in Britain. And the British donated more blood. "When you give extrinsic motivations, they can supplant the intrinsic ones," he said.
What would the experts say about fostering prosocial behavior in children, from kindness on to charity?
Parental modeling is important, of course; sympathy and compassion should be part of children's experience long before they know the words.
"Explain how other people feel," Dr. Eisenberg said. "Reflect the child's feelings, but also point out, look, you hurt Johnny's feelings."
Don't offer material rewards for prosocial behavior, but do offer opportunities to do good - opportunities that the child will see as voluntary. And help children see themselves and frame their own behavior as generous, kind, helpful, as the mother in my exam room did.
Working with a child's temperament, taking advantage of an emerging sense of self and increasing cognitive understanding of the world and helped by the reward centers of the brain, parents can try to foster that warm glow and the worldview that goes with it. Empathy, sympathy, compassion, kindness and charity begin at home, and very early.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Inside recess....again?
Ward off cabin fever:
*Opportunities for physical activity are definitely limited during these colder months. While the following activities are not acceptable indoor recess choices, they may provide a great outlet at home for some much needed physical activity!
Following are some ideas to promote physical activity indoors:
(source: http://pvhs.org/documents/Foundation/Indoor%20Physical%20Activity%20Ideas%20for%20Kids.pdf)
"Activity helps children stay healthy and happy. These suggestions are useful during extended
rain and snow periods when outdoor play is not possible. Television watching and use of
computer or video games should be limited to 2 hours or less per day."
Play with a pet
Hide and Go Seek
Play Charades
Send your kids (or join them!) on a scavenger hunt
Hula hoop
Foam Ball Games - Use ‘nerf’‐like foam balls to play indoor sports. Toss around a foam ball, play catch bouncing it of a wall or play basketball with a mini hoop, play hockey on your knees with mini indoor goals and sticks (often called shinny hockey)
Jump Rope
Introduce activity breaks during commercial breaks any time your child watches TV
so they don’t remain completely sedentary.
Follow this link for some outdoor winter activity ideas as well! http://kidshealth.org/parent/nutrition_center/staying_fit/wintersports.html#cat20740
As always, thanks for supporting the positive behavior expectations at Elizabeth Ide School! Stay tuned for information regarding an upcoming community service project!
_________________________________________________________
*Opportunities for physical activity are definitely limited during these colder months. While the following activities are not acceptable indoor recess choices, they may provide a great outlet at home for some much needed physical activity!
Following are some ideas to promote physical activity indoors:
(source: http://pvhs.org/documents/Foundation/Indoor%20Physical%20Activity%20Ideas%20for%20Kids.pdf)
"Activity helps children stay healthy and happy. These suggestions are useful during extended
rain and snow periods when outdoor play is not possible. Television watching and use of
computer or video games should be limited to 2 hours or less per day."
Play “keep the balloon up”. Use one balloon per child or one balloon per small
group. The group may add additional balloons as they gain control and awareness.
Play "fitness with the leader." This is "follow the leader," using exercises.
Measure heart rates after various movements [hop, walk, jump, skip, etc.].
Build a fort
Dance – There’s a number of ways to get kids shaking with music; karaoke, dance
videos or the freeze dance. Have kids make up dances or share the latest popular or line dances. Play with a pet
Hide and Go Seek
Play Charades
Send your kids (or join them!) on a scavenger hunt
Hula hoop
Foam Ball Games - Use ‘nerf’‐like foam balls to play indoor sports. Toss around a foam ball, play catch bouncing it of a wall or play basketball with a mini hoop, play hockey on your knees with mini indoor goals and sticks (often called shinny hockey)
Jump Rope
Introduce activity breaks during commercial breaks any time your child watches TV
so they don’t remain completely sedentary.
Follow this link for some outdoor winter activity ideas as well! http://kidshealth.org/parent/nutrition_center/staying_fit/wintersports.html#cat20740
As always, thanks for supporting the positive behavior expectations at Elizabeth Ide School! Stay tuned for information regarding an upcoming community service project!
_________________________________________________________
UPCOMING PARENTING WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITY:
Follow link below for information regarding the 16th annual Parent University workshops coming up on February 2nd at Lyons Township High School in Western Springs.
http://www.parentcommunitynetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Final-Final-PU-brochure2013-5.pdf
Follow link below for information regarding the 16th annual Parent University workshops coming up on February 2nd at Lyons Township High School in Western Springs.
http://www.parentcommunitynetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Final-Final-PU-brochure2013-5.pdf
Monday, November 12, 2012
Here's to Friendship!
I'm at about the half way point of my Grateful on Purpose blog experiment. While the actual blogging about gratefulness has elluded me a couple times due to a busy schedule and an available moment to sit and post, the thinking about gratitude more regularly is starting to become second nature, which I guess is the point. It's like training a new muscle, it takes time, committment, patience....and then it's the new normal. But you have to keep being intentional about this gratitude lense, just like working a muscle. If you don't committ to the process, being conscious of looking for the good in your life/day, it's a potentially fleeting state of mind.
For the past ten years, from mid-October to mid-November my weekends have generally been marked by massive amounts of leave raking. I'm not talking about an hour or two both days of the weekend either, I'm talking about major committments of time, energy and perserverence. I have serious, serious trees and thus a serious amount of leaves to rake. Even though I thought I was keeping up on it and tackling it methodically, the amount of leaves still in my yard this morning, and now wet, was mind boggling. Added to that angst, the last street pick up of the leaves is this week. We never know what day for sure but it's this week. Well, low and behold my friend Bob came over today with his industrial blower, his wheel barrel and some rakes and literally finished the job! It was no small job and it was cold out. I feel blessed with some really great friends but today I am feeling particularly grateful for Bob. Fall leaves 2012... done! Ahhh, big sigh of relief. Thank you Bob!
For the past ten years, from mid-October to mid-November my weekends have generally been marked by massive amounts of leave raking. I'm not talking about an hour or two both days of the weekend either, I'm talking about major committments of time, energy and perserverence. I have serious, serious trees and thus a serious amount of leaves to rake. Even though I thought I was keeping up on it and tackling it methodically, the amount of leaves still in my yard this morning, and now wet, was mind boggling. Added to that angst, the last street pick up of the leaves is this week. We never know what day for sure but it's this week. Well, low and behold my friend Bob came over today with his industrial blower, his wheel barrel and some rakes and literally finished the job! It was no small job and it was cold out. I feel blessed with some really great friends but today I am feeling particularly grateful for Bob. Fall leaves 2012... done! Ahhh, big sigh of relief. Thank you Bob!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Warm and Dry
Sometimes I find the thing I'm most grateful for on a particular day is really pretty simple. Today, I am so grateful that I sold my Bears tickets and opted to watch the game from the comfort of my living room. The game itself was disappointing enough but the weather today, oh my! Talk about a blustery day! The temperatures dropped, then the rain came. It looked miserable to be there. My couch was clearly the place for me to be tonight. I'm just so grateful I knew that.
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