The Age of Reason
Around the time of her 7th birthday, your child's conscience emerges to help guide her actions.

Few parents would argue with the observation that children age 6 and younger do not have great control over their feelings and impulses. Nor is your very young child likely to take genuine responsibility for her actions, or heed adults' urging to be considerate of others. When she does the right thing, she is more likely responding to your expectations and demands than exercising her own conscience.
 
We grown-ups often become impatient with the seeming selfishness of little ones who don't share. But to them, it doesn't make sense that anyone would ask something so outrageous. If they comply, it is to the letter, not the spirit, of the sharing rule. One 3 year old, under great pressure to share a toy with his younger brother, finally handed it over — and then took it back in a flash, saying "Now you share!"
 
Yes, your baby shows early signs of empathy when she cries because another baby is crying, or when, as a toddler, she brings her wailing playmate to you for consolation. But those situations do not require a sacrifice of self-interest or a belief in doing "the right thing." It is not until the age of 7, give or take a year or so, that your child's conscience begins to mature enough to guide her actions. In fact, there is typically a marked surge in moral and mental maturity at that special moment in development (child psychiatrists Theodore Shapiro and Richard Perry first described this in 1976 in an article titled "Latency Revisited: The Age of Seven, Plus or Minus One"). It's been called the "Age of Reason," since these children have a newly internalized sense of right and wrong. They are no longer focused simply on not getting caught or displeasing adults. They have made up their minds about what is right or wrong, identifying with their primary caregivers' expressed values and applying them quite rigidly. 

Many cultures throughout history have observed this growth spurt by raising expectations and offering new privileges. In Medieval times, court apprenticeships began at 7; so too did apprenticeships at the time of the Guilds, and in English Common Law, children under 7 were not considered responsible for their behavior. The Catholic Church offers first Communion at about age 7; it's also when formal schooling begins in most societies.

At 7 "plus or minus one," your child begins to problem-solve in a new way, using reason rather than pure intuition. He can separate fantasy from reality; and so can be expected to know and tell the truth. Four and 5 year olds don't really "lie"; they adapt the "truth" so that it works for them in a given situation. Anything else makes no sense to them; just as "sharing" makes no sense to 2 year olds. Remember, they also assume that Grandma can see the new toy they are showing her over the phone. 
At about 7, fears are no longer of monsters, but of real people, and most of all of not being liked, being different, and risking loneliness. Pride and shame are real now too. Real, rather than simply imagined achievement, enhances self-esteem. Oddly enough, I seem to remember the moment before I crossed over that line. In kindergarten, I was in awe of the older kids who were "Safety Patrols." They wore arm badges, in the school colors, marking their special status. At 5, I thought nothing more was needed to be so privileged than a badge. So I made one myself. The jig was quickly up when my parents recognized my "handiwork." Fortunately, they saved me from embarrassment in school. The badge was set aside for pretend play at home. A year or two later, even the private memory of all that was embarrassing. And incidentally, when I did become a patrol, the magic of the status had vanished — transformed into the merely mundane, since by then, despite myself, I had crossed over into the age of reason.
 
Once that happens, children are able to compromise, accept differences in status, and therefore make and maintain friendships. Many can even lose a game without mortification, and can respect the rules of the game. They can say, "I am sorry" and mean it, further solidifying friendships.
 
What's behind this transformation of wishful thinkers into relatively grounded 7 and 8 year olds? These days, most experts credit biology. Rapid changes in brain anatomy, physiology and chemistry are the underpinnings of a growing clarity about what is real. Your child also recognizes that thoughts are not the same thing as actions, so she is less likely to punish herself for "mean thoughts" alone. Biology has moved her from an egocentric outlook to a sense of her place in a larger world. Celebrating Earth Day now makes more sense, for example. 

In addition to the leap in reasonableness, your child has an increased ability to focus and concentrate; and it all adds up to readiness for formal schooling. He is capable of classifying and ordering, and has a more realistic sense of cause and effect. Doing well in the real world becomes vital to his self-esteem; a homemade patrol badge won't do it.  Actual sports and school achievement are important goals; and therefore, serious academic troubles or lack of age-appropriate physical skills can shake confidence.
 
It is interesting that in this so-called reasonable and quiet period of development (age 7 to 11), there are more referrals to child therapists than at any other age. Why? Children are not more typically troubled during this phase. The gap between a child's functioning and her parents'/teachers' reasonable expectations for greater self-control and capacity to concentrate may lead to the therapist's door. And because this is a far more pliable age than toddlerhood or adolescence, on-target intervention can go a long way. That does not mean that one bad day or power struggle should send you hurrying to a therapist. But if your child's overall pattern of mental, moral, and interpersonal performance is not in line with the realistic expectations for her age outlined here, find out why and offer whatever remediation is needed.

Your Not Old Enough!

What can parents do when a child isn’t old enough to do
many of the things other children do? This is an especially difficult
situation if the child has older brothers or sisters who
are allowed privileges the younger child is denied.For example,
many young children want to go outside without supervision. They may
even run away from home or slip out when parents aren’t looking. Naturally, if this happens, parents are going to be upset and worried, perhaps angry.

What to do? Be honest with your child about your feelings, but try,
also, to let him know you understand his feelings.“You wanted to go out by
yourself like the big kids. You got mad when I wouldn’t let you. So you went anyway. I understand how you feel, but I can’t let you go out alone. I get very worried and upset that something might happen to you.”

It’s hard for children to understand that they will be allowed
more privileges as they get older. In the meantime, parents can take
some comfort in the fact that this situation won’t last forever. ❏

The Parent-Teacher Partnership

The Parent-Teacher Partnership


The experts have been polled and the results are in: a positive parent-teacher relationship contributes to your child's school success. "Easier said than done," you may be thinking. After all, there are teachers your child will love and teachers your child may not. There are teachers you'll like and dislike as well. There are teachers who may adore your child, and those who just don't understand him. But whatever the case, your child's teacher is the second most important person in your child's life (after her parents, of course). And you can help make their relationship a strong and rewarding one.

"A positive parent-teacher relationship helps your child feel good about school and be successful in school," advises Diane Levin, Ph.D., professor of education at Wheelock College. "It demonstrates to your child that he can trust his teacher, because you do. This positive relationship makes a child feel like the important people in his life are working together."

Communicating well is a key factor for making this relationship work. "Communication on both sides is extremely important," notes teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. "The parents need information about what and how their child is learning, and the teacher needs important feedback from the parent about the child's academic and social development."

But communicating effectively with a busy teacher, who may have up to 30 kids in a class, can be challenging. When's the right time to talk — and when isn't? How can you get her attention? What should you bring up with her with and what should be left alone? How do you create a relationship with someone you may only see a few times a year? And how do you do this without coming across like an overanxious pain in the you-know-what?

Try these strategies to build a positive relationship with your child's teacher.

Approach this relationship with respect. Treat the teacher-parent-child relationship the way you would any really important one in your life. Create a problem-solving partnership, instead of confronting a teacher immediately with what's wrong. "Meet with a teacher to brainstorm and collaborate ways to help your child, instead of delivering a lecture," recommends Susan Becker, M. Ed.

Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher. "This is one of the first relationships with an adult your child may have outside the family unit. If you take a back seat and let the relationship develop without much interference, a special bond may develop," advises guidance counselor Linda Lendman. "For young children, the teacher-child relationship is a love relationship," adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D. "In fact, it may be their first love relationship after their parents and it can be pretty powerful and wonderful."

Try not to brag. Of course you think your child is brilliant, but bragging over her many accomplishments may send a message to the teacher that you think he may not be good enough to teach your child. "You don't need to sell your child to the teacher," notes Michael Thompson Ph.D., "you have to trust that your teacher will come to know what's important herself. Telling a teacher that your child loves to read will thrill the teacher. But challenging your teacher with statements like 'Susie read 70 books over the summer' or 'Matthew is a whiz at math,' may backfire."

Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers. Your experience at school is likely to affect your attitude toward your child's teacher. "It's important to leave your own baggage at the door, so you can talk about your child with the teacher (and not about you!)" adds Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

Our experts (all teachers, school social workers or school psychologists themselves) report on ways to approach teachers that will get their attention, and the ways that won't.

Find the right time to speak to the teacher. Always ask the teacher if she has time to talk at that moment, or better yet, when it might be convenient for her to do so. If a conference is not coming up soon, ask if you can make an appointment for a brief conversation. "Don't expect to have an extended conversation during drop-off and pick-up," advises teacher Susan Becker, M. Ed. "Mornings and after school can actually be quite hectic times. The teacher may appear free but she's not."

Write short, effective notes. If you want a quick response, keep your correspondence brief. Nobody (particularly teachers) has time to read more than one page, and a short paragraph will probably get the fastest response. Be specific about the issue and ask for guidance. For example, you might say, "Lucy's been having trouble with the math homework recently. She struggled for 30 minutes and then we stopped. Can we speak on the phone for a few minutes at your convenience about how to help?"

Make sure your message gets to the teacher. Handwritten notes, leaving occasional messages on teachers' voicemail or sending emails (if allowed by school policy) are effective ways to communicate. Sometimes mailing a note to the school can be the most reliable way to get information through, for parents who do not take their kids to school. But don't be upset if you don't get an immediate response. If you don't hear back after a few days, make sure your teacher got your communication, particularly if you sent it via your child.

Come prepared to conferences. Make a list in advance of what you want to discuss. Let the teacher know you have some questions and be specific: give concrete details that paint an objective picture of a problem. Instead of sweeping comments like "Denzel is having a terrible year," offer tangible data, like "at least three days a week, Denzel melts down while trying to do his math homework. He says 'I don't understand' and 'I'm stupid.'" This way you can collaborate with the teacher on solutions.

Discuss what matters most. Your teacher wants to know about how best to teach your child, so share what your child loves to learn about as well as any struggles he may have. This way, you can look at the whole picture of your child together. "Instead of focusing just on grades, focus on what your child loves, how he learns, and what he struggles with. Think of specifics you can offer the teacher to help her teach your child and listen to what he has to say," advises Michael Thompson, Ph.D. "If you have a report card to review, use it to brainstorm together how you can both support your child's learning, instead of dissecting each grade. Ask how your child functions in the classroom as a person. Does he make friends? How does he resolve conflicts?"

Supply data. Teachers will find comments from previous teachers useful, and giving this data is a non-threatening way to address issues. You might say, "Last year, Johnny's teacher noted he was struggling with attention issues. He was tested and this is how we are handling it." Or you might explain, "Betsy was put in a special reading group last year by Mr. Miller because he evaluated her and thought she needed more advanced books."

Accept your differences with your teacher. Recognize that your teacher may have a different style from you, but that doesn't make her a bad teacher. "Some teachers will be older and seasoned veterans, others will be younger and more idealistic. There are lots of differences in styles of communication and educational philosophy. You will need to really listen to your child's teacher to get a sense of who he is," notes Dalton Miller-Jones, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Portland State University and an advisor to the Portland School district.

Ask what you can do to help. When discussing a problem your child may have, ask your teacher for specific ways you can help at home. Ask her to define what your role should be in the problem-solving partnership, making sure the teacher, parent, and child all play important roles.


"The teacher may have up to 30 kids in her class, and you may have only two or three at home. So don't expect her to know your child as well as you do, but respect what your teacher knows, as she sees your child function in ways you rarely will. The relationships are not equal, but each of you has something important to contribute to a picture of 'the whole child.'"



Linda Lendman, M. S.W.
Guidance Counselor, Family Coordinator
Rand School Montclair, NJ

Help your child get organized

Most kids generate a little chaos and disorganization. Yours might flit from one thing to the next — forgetting books at school, leaving towels on the floor, and failing to finish projects once started. You'd like them to be more organized and to stay focused on tasks, such as homework. Is it possible?


Yes, it is. A few kids seem naturally organized, but for the rest, organization is a skill learned over time. With help and some practice, kids can develop an effective approach to getting stuff done. And you're the perfect person to teach your child, even if you don't feel all that organized yourself!

Easy as 1-2-3
For kids, all tasks can be broken down into a 1-2-3 process.

1. Getting organized means a kid gets where he or she needs to be and gathers the supplies needed to complete the task.

2.Staying focused means sticking with the task and learning to say "no" to distractions.

3.Getting it done means finishing up, checking your work, and putting on the finishing touches, like remembering to put a homework paper in the right folder and putting the folder inside the backpack so it's ready for the next day.

Once kids know these steps — and how to apply them — they can start tackling tasks more independently. That means homework, chores, and other tasks will get done with increasing consistency and efficiency. Of course, kids will still need parental help and guidance, but you probably won't have to nag as much.

Not only is it practical to teach these skills, but knowing how to get stuff done will help your child feel more competent and effective. Kids feel self-confident and proud when they're able to accomplish their tasks and responsibilities. They're also sure to be pleased when they find they have some extra free time to do what they'd like to do

From Teeth Brushing to Book Reports
To get started, introduce the 1-2-3 method and help your child practice it in daily life. Even something as simple as brushing teeth requires this approach, so you might use this example when introducing the concept:

Getting organized: Go to the bathroom and get out your toothbrush and toothpaste. Turn on the water.

Staying focused: Dentists say to brush for 3 minutes, so that means keep brushing, even if you hear a really good song on the radio or you remember that you wanted to call your friend. Concentrate and remember what the dentist told you about brushing away from your gums.

Getting it done: If you do steps 1 and 2, step 3 almost takes care of itself. Hurray, your 3 minutes are up and your teeth are clean! Getting it done means finishing up and putting on the finishing touches. With teeth brushing, that would be stuff like turning off the water, putting away the toothbrush and paste, and making sure there's no toothpaste foam on your face!
With a more complex task, like completing a book report, the steps would become more involved, but the basic elements remain the same.

Here's how you might walk your child through the steps:

1. Getting Organized:
Explain that this step is all about getting ready. It's about figuring out what kids need to do and gathering any necessary items.For instance: "So you have a book report to write. What do you need to do to get started?" Help your child make a list of things like: Choose a book. Make sure the book is OK with the teacher. Write down the book and the author's name. Check the book out of the library. Mark the due date on a calendar.

Then help your child think of the supplies needed: The book, some note cards, a pen for taking notes, the teacher's list of questions to answer, and a report cover. Have your child gather the supplies where the work will take place.

As the project progresses, show your child how to use the list to check off what's already done and get ready for what's next. Demonstrate how to add to the list, too. Coach your child to think, "OK, I did these things. Now, what's next? Oh yeah, start reading the book" and to add things to the list like finish the book, read over my teacher's directions, start writing the report.
2. Staying Focused:
Explain that this part is about doing it and sticking with the job. Tell kids this means doing what you're supposed to do, following what's on the list, and sticking with it.

It also means focusing when there's something else your child would rather be doing — the hardest part of all! Help kids learn how to handle and resist these inevitable temptations. While working on the report, a competing idea might pop into your child's head: "I feel like shooting some hoops now." Teach kids to challenge that impulse by asking themselves "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?"

Explain that a tiny break to stretch a little and then get right back to the task at hand is OK. Then kids can make a plan to shoot hoops after the work is done. Let them know that staying focused is tough sometimes, but it gets easier with practice.

3. Getting it Done:
Explain that this is the part when kids will be finishing up the job. Talk about things like copying work neatly and asking a parent to read it over to help find any mistakes. Coach your child to take those important final steps: putting his or her name on the report, placing it in a report cover, putting the report in the correct school folder, and putting the folder in the backpack so it's ready to be turned in.

How to Start
Here are some tips on how to begin teaching the 1-2-3 process:


Introduce the Idea
Start the conversation by using the examples above and show your child the kids' article Organize, Focus, Get It Done. Read it together and ask for reactions. Will it be easy or hard? Is he or she already doing some of it? Is there something he or she would like to get better at?

Go for Some Buy-In
Brainstorm about what might be easier or better if your child was more organized and focused. Maybe homework would get done faster, there would be more play time, and there would be less nagging about chores. Then there's the added bonus of your child feeling proud and you being proud, too.

Set Expectations
Be clear, in a kind way, that you expect your kids to work on these skills and that you'll be there to help along the way.

Make a Plan
Decide on one thing to focus on first. You can come up with three things and let your child choose one. Or if homework or a particular chore has been a problem, that's the natural place to begin.

Get Comfortable in Your Role
For the best results, you'll want to be a low-key coach. You can ask questions that will help kids get on track and stay there. But use these questions to prompt their thought process about what needs to be done. Praise progress, but don't go overboard. The self-satisfaction kids will feel will be a more powerful motivator. Also, be sure to ask your child's opinion of how things are going so far.

Things to Remember
It will take time to teach kids how to break down tasks into steps. It also will take time for them to learn how to apply these skills to what needs to be done. Sometimes, it will seem simpler just to do it for them. It certainly would take less time. But the trouble is that kids don't learn how to be independent and successful if their parents swoop in every time a situation is challenging or complex.

YOUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM:

ARE YOU HELPING OR HURTING?

What does it take to raise competent, good‐natured children who can feel a
healthy respect for themselves? Research has shown over and over that good parenting involves two basic components. One will not surprise you, but the other one may catch you off guard.

We are very aware today that children are born with different personalities and temperaments that are not created by their parents. Nevertheless, parents do make a big difference, and here in the United States we need to get back on track regarding what children’s self‐esteem is really all about.

What are the two parenting ingredients that make for good self‐esteem? First, good parents are warm and sensitive to a child’s needs. They understand their child’s positive as well as negative feelings. They are
comforting in times of crisis and pain, as well as appreciative in times of triumph and accomplishment. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage his or her growing independence.” That’s no big news flash.

GOOD PARENTS ARE ALSO DEMANDING

What we often overlook, though, is that good parents are also demanding. They clearly communicate high―but not unrealistic―expectations for their children’s behavior. Good behavior and achievements are appreciated and reinforced when they occur. When the kids act up, on the other hand, Mom and Dad respond with firm limits, but not with fits of temper or righteous indignation. After a child makes a mistake, the parents’ message is, ‘I’m sure you’ll do better next time.’” Parents whose child‐rearing philosophy involves both warmth and “demandingness” tend to produce competent children. There are of course no guarantees, but their kids will have a better chance of becoming more self‐reliant, self‐controlled and happier.
They will have a better chance of being accepted and well liked by their peers, and of having a sense of belonging.

Sometimes, though, parents have blinders on. We’re so busy, we don’t have time―or take the time―to do some of the things that will really foster self‐esteem. Such as what? Such as helping our children develop social skills and academic and physical competence.Your kids’ selfesteem is ultimately going to be earned or not earned in the real world―not in a fantasy world.

KIDS DO BETTER WHEN THEY LEARN BOUNDARIES

The demanding part of the parenting equation implies not only that parents ask more of their kids, but also that parents ask more of themselves. We often follow the misguided belief that self‐esteem and creativity are both higher when children can ‘do their own thing’ and when they are not exposed to external limits imposed by adults. On the contrary, kids feel better about themselves and perform better, creatively and otherwise, when they learn the boundaries for reasonable behavior. The world has all kinds of limits and rules, and parents are the ones who introduce children to life’s boundaries. “How parents establish rules and set limits―or fail to set limits―has a tremendous effect on the self‐esteem of a child. Your kids may not like all the rules and regulations you must teach them, but if they don’t recognize and work within these constraints, they will get hurt badly.

However, not all self‐esteem building strategies involve unpleasant or hard work. One of the best “tactics” for encouraging healthy self‐respect in children is fun. We need to take time with our kids. Keep in mind that one‐on‐one time having fun together is one of the most potent self‐esteem builders. That’s one parent with one child. Kids really like having a parent all to themselves.



ELEMENTS OF HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

Healthy self‐esteem is based on four elements:

1. Good relationships with other people
2. Competence in work and self‐management
3. Physical skills and caring for one’s body
4. Character: courage, effort, following the rules
and concern for others

Overparenting: What's the Problem?

Overparenting refers to unnecessary corrective, cautionary or disciplinary
comments made by parents to kids.Adults who overparent usually do it
repeatedly and overparenting has predictable, negative effects on
children. The negative reaction is what we call the “Anxious Parent,
Angry Child” syndrome.Continually expressing unnecessary worries about kids to the kids irritates the youngsters because it insults them. The parent’s basic message is this: “I have to worry about you so much because you’re incompetent; there’s not much you can do on your own without my supervision and direction.” No child likes to be put down, and overparenting is definitely a put‐down.Three Reasons Why Overparenting Is Unnecessary

Overparenting comments can be unnecessary for several reasons:
1. The child already has the skill necessary to manage the situation.
2. Even if the child doesn’t have all the necessary skills to manage the situation,
it would be preferable for the youngster to learn by direct experience. When we moved in to our first house, the kids were about two and four. I’d watch them playing outside with other children, and every five minutes or so I’d see some kind of dispute that I thought needed my intervention. Then one day my wife asked me how I thought the kids survived all day while I was at work. No eyes poked out, no broken arms, no trips to the ER. That shut me up. I’d been overparenting the whole neighborhood!
3. The issue is trivial. Mike and Jimmy are out in the front yard playing catch with a baseball. Jimmy’s Dad is washing the car in the driveway while the neighbor, Mr. Smith, is cutting his grass next door. Mike misses Jimmy’s throw and the ball rolls over toward Mr. Smith, who smiles and tosses it back. Dad tells the two boys they will have go somewhere else or stop playing catch. Should Dad have kept quiet? Yes, he should have. Let the two lads work it out with Mr. Smith, if necessary. The boys were having innocent, constructive fun, and Mr. Smith probably enjoyed trying out his old pitching arm again! Want to encourage independence in your children? Be a good listener and avoid overparenting.

Parentmagic Inc.

SHARED FUN AND YOUR CHILD"S SELF ESTEEM

When you have children, you like them more if you enjoy things together on a regular basis. And during the times you’re not having fun with them, when for example you have to provide discipline, you’ll find the kids are easier to deal with because you enjoyed each other before.Shared fun boosts kids’ self‐esteem in another way. It sends a strong message that you like your children, and that they are pleasant and enjoyable to be with. Don’t forget: It’s important to like—not just love—your kids.

Wonderful, Powerful Routines

DO KIDS REALLY WANT LIMITS?
This idea that children really want limits isn’t completely
true. It is true, of course, that in the long run youngsters are
more comfortable in a house where parents have clear,
reasonable rules and enforce them consistently and fairly.
Under these circumstances the kids are better off whether
or not they realize the connection between their parents’
behavior and their own well being. In such a home, in
addition to feeling cozy, warm and comfortable, children are
also developing the critical skill of frustration tolerance.
Frustration tolerance is the ability to put up with discomfort
or pain now in order to achieve some more important future objective. It’s a beautiful evening and I would like to trash this math homework, but I’d also like to get at least a B in the course. I’d like to slug my brother, but I don’t want to upset my mother and be grounded. I’d like another piece of lemon meringue pie, but I don’t want to get fat.
Successful adults learned high frustration tolerance (HFT) when they were kids. Many unsuccessful adults, however, still show significant amounts of low frustration tolerance (LFT). They can’t wait, so they run the yellow light. They purchase three new, unnecessary DVDs when their credit card is already overloaded. They watch the new show on TV instead of going to the gym to workout. LFT may be one of the fastest routes to failure as an adult.
CHILDREN WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT
Kids are just kids, so naturally they start out at the LFT point. At any one moment, children want what they want, and they can be angry and disappointed if they don’t get it. Kids do not welcome or enjoy adult‐imposed limits. As a result, youngsters’ frustration frequently
leads to trouble with parents in the form of testing and manipulation.
But learning to tolerate—with a little parental assistance—both limits and frustration is a normal and necessary part of growing up. Over the years, most children learn and internalize three important lessons about frustration. First of all, not getting what you want is a regular occurrence in life; you will drive yourself crazy if you overreact to
everything that goes wrong. Second, being frustrated is not the end of the world; the feeling always passes. And third, getting better and better at enduring as well as managing life’s disappointments PAYS BIG DIVIDENDS.

Keep that in mind next time you have to say “No” to your kids.