Overparenting: What's the Problem?

Overparenting refers to unnecessary corrective, cautionary or disciplinary
comments made by parents to kids.Adults who overparent usually do it
repeatedly and overparenting has predictable, negative effects on
children. The negative reaction is what we call the “Anxious Parent,
Angry Child” syndrome.Continually expressing unnecessary worries about kids to the kids irritates the youngsters because it insults them. The parent’s basic message is this: “I have to worry about you so much because you’re incompetent; there’s not much you can do on your own without my supervision and direction.” No child likes to be put down, and overparenting is definitely a put‐down.Three Reasons Why Overparenting Is Unnecessary

Overparenting comments can be unnecessary for several reasons:
1. The child already has the skill necessary to manage the situation.
2. Even if the child doesn’t have all the necessary skills to manage the situation,
it would be preferable for the youngster to learn by direct experience. When we moved in to our first house, the kids were about two and four. I’d watch them playing outside with other children, and every five minutes or so I’d see some kind of dispute that I thought needed my intervention. Then one day my wife asked me how I thought the kids survived all day while I was at work. No eyes poked out, no broken arms, no trips to the ER. That shut me up. I’d been overparenting the whole neighborhood!
3. The issue is trivial. Mike and Jimmy are out in the front yard playing catch with a baseball. Jimmy’s Dad is washing the car in the driveway while the neighbor, Mr. Smith, is cutting his grass next door. Mike misses Jimmy’s throw and the ball rolls over toward Mr. Smith, who smiles and tosses it back. Dad tells the two boys they will have go somewhere else or stop playing catch. Should Dad have kept quiet? Yes, he should have. Let the two lads work it out with Mr. Smith, if necessary. The boys were having innocent, constructive fun, and Mr. Smith probably enjoyed trying out his old pitching arm again! Want to encourage independence in your children? Be a good listener and avoid overparenting.

Parentmagic Inc.

SHARED FUN AND YOUR CHILD"S SELF ESTEEM

When you have children, you like them more if you enjoy things together on a regular basis. And during the times you’re not having fun with them, when for example you have to provide discipline, you’ll find the kids are easier to deal with because you enjoyed each other before.Shared fun boosts kids’ self‐esteem in another way. It sends a strong message that you like your children, and that they are pleasant and enjoyable to be with. Don’t forget: It’s important to like—not just love—your kids.

Wonderful, Powerful Routines

DO KIDS REALLY WANT LIMITS?
This idea that children really want limits isn’t completely
true. It is true, of course, that in the long run youngsters are
more comfortable in a house where parents have clear,
reasonable rules and enforce them consistently and fairly.
Under these circumstances the kids are better off whether
or not they realize the connection between their parents’
behavior and their own well being. In such a home, in
addition to feeling cozy, warm and comfortable, children are
also developing the critical skill of frustration tolerance.
Frustration tolerance is the ability to put up with discomfort
or pain now in order to achieve some more important future objective. It’s a beautiful evening and I would like to trash this math homework, but I’d also like to get at least a B in the course. I’d like to slug my brother, but I don’t want to upset my mother and be grounded. I’d like another piece of lemon meringue pie, but I don’t want to get fat.
Successful adults learned high frustration tolerance (HFT) when they were kids. Many unsuccessful adults, however, still show significant amounts of low frustration tolerance (LFT). They can’t wait, so they run the yellow light. They purchase three new, unnecessary DVDs when their credit card is already overloaded. They watch the new show on TV instead of going to the gym to workout. LFT may be one of the fastest routes to failure as an adult.
CHILDREN WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT
Kids are just kids, so naturally they start out at the LFT point. At any one moment, children want what they want, and they can be angry and disappointed if they don’t get it. Kids do not welcome or enjoy adult‐imposed limits. As a result, youngsters’ frustration frequently
leads to trouble with parents in the form of testing and manipulation.
But learning to tolerate—with a little parental assistance—both limits and frustration is a normal and necessary part of growing up. Over the years, most children learn and internalize three important lessons about frustration. First of all, not getting what you want is a regular occurrence in life; you will drive yourself crazy if you overreact to
everything that goes wrong. Second, being frustrated is not the end of the world; the feeling always passes. And third, getting better and better at enduring as well as managing life’s disappointments PAYS BIG DIVIDENDS.

Keep that in mind next time you have to say “No” to your kids.