What to do about lying

A primary rule for parents when dealing with lying is don't badger or corner children! Imagine you give a child the third degree about whether or not he has homework. He denies it six times and finally, after your seventh question, he admits that he has some. What has happened? By this time, of course, you are furious. More important, however, you also have given your child six times to practice lying! You may think to yourself, "Sooner or later he'll realize he can't fool me and he'll give up." Wrong. Many children will continue to take the easy way out: they will simply attempt to become better liars.

Either You Know the Truth or You Don’t
Look at it this way: you either know the truth or you don't. If you don't know what is going on, ask once and don't badger. It's a good idea here not to ask "impulsively”. Many kids simply respond back impulsively. They lie, but their real desire is just to end the conversation, get rid of you, and stay out of trouble
If you are going to ask, you might say something like, "I want you to tell me the story of what happened, but not right now. Think about it a while and we'll talk in fifteen minutes." If he tells you the story and you find out later that the child lied, punish him for whatever the offense was as well as for the lie. No lectures or tantrums. Deal with the problem and try to fix things—as much as you can—so that lying does not seem necessary to the child.
If you do know what has happened, tell him what you know and deal with it. If he has done something wrong that you know about, simply punish him reasonably for that and end the conversation with, "I'm sure you'll do better next time."

Keep Your Perspective
Some parents still prefer to ask a child what happened—even when they already know what it was. This is OK if you do it right. You should say something like, "I got a call from the school today about an incident at lunch. I'm going to ask you to tell me the story, but not right now. I want you to think about it for a while, and then when you're ready you can tell me, but remember I already pretty much know what happened."
Lying is not good, but it certainly isn't the end of the world either. It happens from time to time. It doesn't mean that your kids don't love you or that they are bound to grow up to become professional criminals. Over the years, however, frequent emotional overreactions on your part—combined with badgering and cornering—can produce an Accomplished Liar.

Quick Tip:

Being a Good Listener Kids can sometimes surprise you with the comments they make. Before jumping in with advice or discipline, sometimes it's more important to listen first. For starters, get yourself in the proper frame of mind: "I'm going to hear this kid out—even if it kills me—and find out exactly what he thinks and feels about what's going on." Next, several different things can be done. These include openers, nonjudgmental questions, reflecting feelings and perception checks. Sympathetic listening is an attitude. Your attitude, not your child's. It's the attitude of sincerely trying to figure out what someone else is thinking even if you don't agree. It's also a great self-esteem builder and you'll find if you listen well you can learn a lot about what your children think about life! 

Homework Hassles

 Quick Tip: Checking Homework

" Every time your child brings you some homework to check, the first thing you say must be positive, even if it’s only the fact that he brought the work to you. Kids will never want to bring you anything if your first response is consistently to shoot from the hip with criticism"  Dr Thomas Phelan, creator of 1-2-3 Magic

Homework hassles can make school nights miserable for the whole family. For some families homework battles can go on for two, three or four hours per night. People begin to dread the evening, relationships are strained severely and the child in question learns to hate schoolwork more and more. There are no easy answers to the problem; children’s needs vary depending upon their intelligence and the presence of handicaps such as learning disabilities and ADHD. There are ways though, of making things more tolerable and more productive.

 WHAT NOT TO DO

 Don’t go around asking the child every five minutes if he has homework or if he’s started it yet. Instead try to pick the best time to start and stick with it—consistency is very important here.

 Don’t interrupt the youngster in the middle of his favorite TV show to tell him it’s time to begin. There’s no better way to get no cooperation. He should not start watching a show in the first place if it’s going to overlap with his regular homework time

 Don’t let the would-be student do work with the TV on. Believe it or not, a radio or iPod may be OK because it provides consistent background noise, but the television is always out to get your attention.

 If you can avoid it, don’t let the homework time change each day. One of the best ways of setting things up is to have the child come home, get a snack, goof off for about 30-45 minutes, and then sit down and try to finish his work before dinner. Then the whole evening is free.

 WHAT TO DO

 Consider trying the following steps in order (you can combine them as you go), and be sure to use plenty of positive reinforcement with whatever else you are doing.

 1. Natural Consequences If you are having trouble with homework for the first time—say with a fourth grader—consider using Natural Consequences first. That means do nothing. Keep your mouth shut and see if the child and the teacher can work things out. If this approach doesn’t seem to be working after a few weeks, then go on to the next step. (Natural Consequences is obviously not the method to use if you have been having homework problems for years and years.)

 2. An Assignment Sheet Assignment sheets or notebooks can be extremely helpful. They tell you exactly what work is due for each subject. Many schools now have web sites where forgetful but fortunate kids access their homework assignments online. The idea of the assignment sheet, of course, is that after the child does the work, parents can check it out against the list of items to be done. If this is the procedure you are considering, you must routinely include two basic principles: the “PNP (Positive Negative Positive) Method” and the “Rough Checkout.” Failure to do so will result in unnecessary misery.

 Next post:: Homework Do’s and Don’ts – Part II

10 Steps to Stop and Prevent Bullying

Download Bully Free Public Service Announcements
Whether you are a parent, an educator, or a concerned friend of the family, there are ten steps you can take to stop and prevent bullying:

1. Pay attention. There are many warning signs that may point to a bullying problem, such as unexplained injuries, lost or destroyed personal items, changes in eating habits, and avoidance of school or other social situations. However, every student may not exhibit warning signs, or may go to great lengths to hide it. This is where paying attention is most valuable. Engage students on a daily basis and ask open-ended questions that encourage conversation.
2. Don’t ignore it. Never assume that a situation is harmless teasing. Different students have different levels of coping; what may be considered teasing to one may be humiliating and devastating to another. Whenever a student feels threatened in any way, take it seriously, and assure the student that you are there for them and will help.
3. When you see something – do something. Intervene as soon as you even think there may be a problem between students. Don’t brush it off as “kids are just being kids. They’ll get over it.” Some never do, and it affects them for a lifetime. All questionable behavior should be addressed immediately to keep a situation from escalating. Summon other adults if you deem the situation may get out of hand. Be sure to always refer to your school’s anti-bullying policy.
4. Remain calm. When you intervene, refuse to argue with either student. Model the respectful behavior you expect from the students. First make sure everyone is safe and that no one needs immediate medical attention. Reassure the students involved, as well as the bystanders. Explain to them what needs to happen next – bystanders go on to their expected destination while the students involved should be taken separately to a safe place.
5. Deal with students individually. Don’t attempt to sort out the facts while everyone is present, don’t allow the students involved to talk with one another, and don’t ask bystanders to tell what they saw in front of others. Instead, talk with the individuals involved – including bystanders – on a one-on-one basis. This way, everyone will be able to tell their side of the story without worrying about what others may think or say.
6. Don’t make the students involved apologize and/or shake hands on the spot. Label the behavior as bullying. Explain that you take this type of behavior very seriously and that you plan to get to the bottom of it before you determine what should be done next and any resulting consequences based on your school’s anti-bullying policy. This empowers the bullied child – and the bystanders – to feel that someone will finally listen to their concerns and be fair about outcomes.
7. Hold bystanders accountable. Bystanders provide bullies an audience, and often actually encourage bullying. Explain that this type of behavior is wrong, will not be tolerated, and that they also have a right and a responsibility to stop bullying. Identify yourself as a caring adult that they can always approach if they are being bullied and/or see or suspect bullying.
8. Listen and don’t pre-judge. It is very possible that the person you suspect to be the bully may actually be a bullied student retaliating or a “bully’s” cry for help. It may also be the result of an undiagnosed medical, emotional or psychological issue. Rather than make any assumptions, listen to each child with an open mind.
9. Get appropriate professional help. Be careful not to give any advice beyond your level of expertise. Rather than make any assumptions, if you deem there are any underlying and/or unsolved issues, refer the student to a nurse, counselor, school psychologist, social worker, or other appropriate professional.
10. Become trained to handle bullying situations. If you work with students in any capacity, it is important to learn the proper ways to address bullying. Visit www.nea.org/bullyfree for information and resources. You can also take the pledge to stop bullying, as well as learn how to create a Bully Free program in your school and/or community.

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Empathy: The Most Important Back-to-School Supply | Edutopia

Empathy: The Most Important Back-to-School Supply | Edutopia

Some thoughts on Parenting.....

7 Habits of Highly Effective Parents

A quick caveat: no parenting strategy is a guarantee of success nor will it yield immediate results. The key is to build habits – habits in the way we interact and communicate with our children, habits in the way we think about our role as parents, habits in the ways we solve problems, etc. These habits are what ultimately makes the parent-child dynamic a constructive and effective one. 
1. Understand your Goals and Priorities
Be clear on your goals and priorities and then choose your battles. Be prepared to give in, to make compromises or changes when the issue at hand is more important for your child than it is for you. This need not undermine your authority as long as those compromises don’t impact your goals and priorities.
2. Set up House Rules
Take the time to set up House Rules and explain them to your children. Give everyone a chance to collaborate on this process (including opportunities for disagreements) and to contribute to the rules that will govern everyone under the roof.
3. Practice Effective Negotiation Techniques
Teach your child how to be an effective negotiator. It sounds counterproductive but it isn’t. By teaching your child how to negotiate, you’re actually empowering her to make better decisions, be less argumentative, and to participate in productive problem-solving – all of which will make your job as a parent much easier in the long-run.
4. Practice Listening and Talking
When your child talks, listen. When she asks questions, listen. When she has concerns, listen. When she expresses emotions, listen.
Children rarely have the words they need to actually convey what they need to say. That means that those important nuggets of information are often buried in babble and queries and worries and tears. Listen so that you can help them identify what really matters… then talk to them.
Talk when there is a conflict, talk when there isn’t. Talk when there is a concern (yours or theirs). Talk them through a problem or something they don’t understand, talk them through your own problem-solving process.
Be open and honest and forthright with information and your children will respond in kind.
5. Think about the Cause and Effect of your Actions
So often, we are simply reacting to the unpredictability and unexpected nature of the things that come our way as parents. However, it is important to keep in mind that our actions will impact our children and, to the extent that we can, we should do our best to limit the unintended effects of our actions.
That requires that we practice taking a moment to think about the reasons behind the things we do or say and how they may be received by our children.
6. Think Win/Win
You may be the parent but your child is nevertheless an independent entity that is trying to find the best way to live her life. Design strategies that aren’t just in your favor but actually create an optimal situation for your child as well.
7. Customize your Parenting
Read up on different parenting techniques, talk to your friends and family, experiment with different strategies… and then do what you think is best. There are many different ways of handling this complicated task of being parents. However, each situation is unique and not all strategies, tips and advice will work for you. Become informed and then customize your parenting.

Empathy starts at home

Understanding How Children Develop Empathy

By PERRI KLASS, M.D.

The mother was trying to hold the baby still, and I was pulling gently on the ear, angling for a better look at the infant's eardrum. The wriggling baby didn't like any of it, and her whimpering quickly turned to full-fledged wails.
Suddenly the baby's 3-year-old brother, an innocent bystander in no danger of having his own ears examined, began to wail as well, creating the kind of harmonic cacophony that makes passers-by wince in recognition. And the poor mother, her hands full, could only look over and reassure him: Your sister is O.K., don't worry, don't feel bad.
But really, was that why the 3-year-old was crying? Was he tired and frustrated, scared by the noise, jealous of his mother's attention? Or was he, in fact, upset because his sister was upset - an early step toward empathy, sympathy, kindness and charity?
The capacity to notice the distress of others, and to be moved by it, can be a critical component of what is called prosocial behavior, actions that benefit others: individuals, groups or society as a whole. Psychologists, neurobiologists and even economists are increasingly interested in the overarching question of how and why we become our better selves.
How do children develop prosocial behavior, and is there in fact any way to encourage it? If you do, will you eventually get altruistic adults, the sort who buy shoes for a homeless man on a freezing night, or rush to lift a commuter pushed onto the subway tracks as the train nears?
Nancy Eisenberg, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University, is an expert on the development in children of prosocial behavior, "voluntary behavior intended to benefit another." Such behavior is often examined through the child's ability to perceive and react to someone else's distress. Attempts at concern and reassurance can be seen in children as young as 1.
Dr. Eisenberg draws a distinction between empathy and sympathy: "Empathy, at least the way I break it out, is experiencing the same emotion or highly similar emotion to what the other person is feeling," she said. "Sympathy is feeling concern or sorrow for the other person." While that may be based in part on empathy, she said, or on memory, "it's not feeling the same emotion."
By itself, intense empathy - really feeling someone else's pain - can backfire, causing so much personal distress that the end result is a desire to avoid the source of the pain, researchers have found. The ingredients of prosocial behavior, from kindness to philanthropy, are more complex and varied.
They include the ability to perceive others' distress, the sense of self that helps sort out your own identity and feelings, the regulatory skills that prevent distress so severe it turns to aversion, and the cognitive and emotional understanding of the value of helping.
Twin studies have suggested that there is some genetic component to prosocial tendencies. When reacting to an adult who is pretending to be distressed, for example, identical twins behave more like each other than do fraternal twins. And as children grow up, these early manifestations of sympathy and empathy become part of complex decision-making and personal morality.
"There is some degree of heritability," said Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, a senior research scientist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, who has done some of these twin studies. But she notes that the effect is small: "There is no gene for empathy, there is no gene for altruism. What's heritable may be some personality characteristics."
Scott Huettel, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke, described two broad theories to explain prosocial behavior. One, he said, was essentially motivational: It feels good to help other people. Economists have also looked at the question of altruism, and have hypothesized about a "warm glow effect" to account for charitable giving.
Experimental studies have shown that the same brain region that is activated when people win money for themselves is active when they give to charity - that is, that there is a kind of neurologic "reward" built into the motivational system of the brain.
"Charitable giving can activate the same pleasure-reward centers, the dopaminergic centers, in the brain that are very closely tied to habit formation," said Bill Harbaugh, an economist at the University of Oregon who studies altruism. "This suggests it might be possible to foster the same sorts of habits for charitable giving you see with other sorts of habits."
The other theory of prosocial behavior, Dr. Huettel said, is based on social cognition - the recognition that other people have needs and goals. The two theories aren't mutually exclusive: Cognitive understanding accompanied by a motivational reward reinforces prosocial behavior.
But shaping prosocial behavior is a tricky business. For instance, certain financial incentives seem to deter prosocial impulses, a phenomenon called reward undermining, Dr. Huettel said.
Consider that in the United States, historically, blood donors could be paid, but not in Britain. And the British donated more blood. "When you give extrinsic motivations, they can supplant the intrinsic ones," he said.
What would the experts say about fostering prosocial behavior in children, from kindness on to charity?
Parental modeling is important, of course; sympathy and compassion should be part of children's experience long before they know the words.
"Explain how other people feel," Dr. Eisenberg said. "Reflect the child's feelings, but also point out, look, you hurt Johnny's feelings."
Don't offer material rewards for prosocial behavior, but do offer opportunities to do good - opportunities that the child will see as voluntary. And help children see themselves and frame their own behavior as generous, kind, helpful, as the mother in my exam room did.
Working with a child's temperament, taking advantage of an emerging sense of self and increasing cognitive understanding of the world and helped by the reward centers of the brain, parents can try to foster that warm glow and the worldview that goes with it. Empathy, sympathy, compassion, kindness and charity begin at home, and very early.

Reimagining Public Education, One Story at a Time — Whole Child Education

Reimagining Public Education, One Story at a Time — Whole Child Education